


Heart In A Blender

by bigcatsandkatanas



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Negan's coming out as bisexual story, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, more light hearted than my other stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-10-08 06:16:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 47,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10380300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigcatsandkatanas/pseuds/bigcatsandkatanas
Summary: Negan swipes right on Rick Grimes. It was almost too easy a decision to make. One second he's no one the next he feels like the world isn't so bad anymore. Rick's his best friend now whether he wants it or not.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I'm back with another fic. First chapter is all set up but it was fun to write Dwight and Negan making "friends". Feedback is appreciated!

“You have got to be fucking kidding me. That’s your wife? That’s the girl you go home to every night?” The man lowered his voice, looking side to side to see the coast was clear, “That you screw,-that _you_ fuck every night.”

“Negan c’mon,” the guy dropped his head down, a flush spreading through his cheeks. He was a young enough looking guy, probably mid to late twenties. Just recently he was hired at the used car dealership, god knows how, he was the quiet type, friendly but shy. Not much of a salesman. Meanwhile Negan was the exact opposite, loud and vulgar, too confident for his own good.

“Dwighty boy that’s the key right there,” he shoved the smaller man taking him by surprise. “Think of that nice piece of ass you'll go home and pound and that’ll give you the machismo to make a sell. Don’t doubt yourself, just go for it. Grab that bull by the—“

“Yeah yeah I get it,” Dwight sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“That there, whatever you’re fucking doing,” Negan pointed at his posture. “And your clothes they don’t even fit, are they hand me downs?”

Dwight held his lips together, furrowing his brow, staring daggers through Negan, “Of fucking course they’re hand me downs,” he hissed. “People get jobs because they need money.”

Negan’s eyes grew wide with surprise before he eased into a smirk, “Alright then.”

“You push and push.”

“I push because I care. I want you bringing home the bacon to that hottie, can’t risk her getting unhappy. Don’t know what she sees in you,” Negan started chewing on his pen, swirling it around in his mouth as he leaned against the front desk staring out the glass panes.

“You know you said that out loud right? No person would actually say that to anyone’s face.”

Negan loudly sighed and reclined backwards, spreading his arms out. Dwight was exasperated at his complete disregard to human emotion. He locked his phone and put it in his back pocket. It vibrated almost as soon as he put it away. A smile spread on his lips as he pulled it out again and walked away, the tapping of the keys on his phone directing Negan’s attention back to him.

“That uh—that her,” Negan asked, slicking his hair back with his hand, more out of habit than anything else. Dwight didn’t answer, he just disappeared into the back room.

He hung his head down, his hands over his face as he took a deep breath. She was cute. But she wasn’t Lucille.

No one ever fucking texted him. Not friends. Not family. Certainly not her, not anymore. He pulled out his phone, his lock screen was a topless Bettie Page, he unlocked it, his wallpaper a pinup of Mamie Van Doren. He tapped on it a couple of times remembering the mundane texts Lucille used to leave.

_Don’t forget to deposit that check at the bank._

Negan laughed and rubbed his chin. He imagined what he’d say. _Oh I’ll make a deposit, right in ur pu$$y 2nite. ;)_

Shit, she’d get pissed. Not in a bad way. In a good way. She’d laugh, he’d know that.

But now, well, now she fucking hated his guts. Not that he could blame her. He gave her plenty reason to.

That night after work he had intended to go to the bar, meet up with some of the guys who’d tolerate him there. It was a pretty seedy place, but he was a pretty seedy guy himself. Guzzling alcohol and getting shitfaced seemed to be his specialty now. He’d still wake up early and haul ass to work. Bills needed to be payed regardless of who was waiting at home for him and at the moment it was a one eyed tuxedo cat that’d show up at his doorstep from time to time. He didn’t know what the fuck to do with it but it sure as hell liked bacon and despite it being skittish, the relationship they had was pretty symbiotic.  

Numbnuts was the poor little bastard’s name but it was mostly a curse word he’d utter because when he’d get home drunk it was always on his doorstep trying to trip his ass when it was begging for food.

Negan didn’t pull into the parking lot, he kept driving. His heartstrings taking him elsewhere and sure enough it’d always bring him to the same place. Heartbroken and pitiful he sat in his car underneath the streetlight he knew would never work, in the neighborhood he used to call home. After stuffing his face with all sorts of ungodly junk food and boozing it, he realized he was crying with a ho-ho crammed in his mouth.

He wish she’d just take him back. He was lost without her.

Out from the warmly lit house, she appeared, walking down the driveway with a bag of trash in her hand. She looked great, but she always looked great without intending to. Negan’s face was flushed against the steering wheel, his eyes red and drooping as he watched her. She had her dark hair pulled back and up into a bun, a robe on that was still untied at the front, wearing her sweats. Every night before she’d sleep she’d do all the chores she probably should have done during the day,  usually Negan would curse her out for throwing the trash at night cause who knows who’d be watching, he never imagined there’d be a day when it was him.  

She went back inside and that was it. It didn’t take much longer for Negan to pass out, maybe it was from all the drinking or maybe the sheer emotional exhaustion. When he woke up he was startled to see his windshield broken, he jumped up startled, his hand over his mouth.

“What the fuck. What in the fucking fuck? Fuck me, Jesus Christ.” He got out of his car, his hands on his head, his jaw on the floor.

On the windshield there was a note.

_Leave me the fuck alone!!! –Lucille._

\---------

That morning he got to work late for once, he didn’t bother to call it in. He just caught a bus and hoped it’d take him where he needed to go.

Dwight was in front talking to a young couple trying to sell them a car. Negan walked briskly towards them and cut in.

“Hey there. Whatever he’s showing you isn’t what you’re looking for,” Negan slung his arm around the man. “How old are ya?”

“19.”

“Nineteen,” Negan gasped, he then looked at the girl, she was showing a belly. “And the missus is expecting.”

“Yes she sure is,” he beamed.

“Well right on,” Negan grinned. “You thinking about expanding the family after this little one gets popped out.”

The couple looked at one another and grinned, Negan’s eyes were on the girl’s hand protectively rubbing her belly.

“We want a girl and boy, this one is a girl.”

“A girl,” Negan leaned forward, his eyelashes fluttering. “An angel then. You’re not looking for this old beat up thing then. You need more room yeah? I know just what you’re looking for.”

Dwight was clenching his jaw, holding a pen in his hand. He snapped it in half, ink splashing all over his white shirt. He silently cursed and walked away in a huff.

\--------

“I will kill you. Your head on a fucking platter,” Dwight said deadpan as Negan pulled out a sandwich from a greasy brown paper bag. They both sat in the break room together, Negan showed zero reaction, he was staring straight at nothing.

“Nothing wrong with a little healthy competition. They bought the fucking car Dwighty boy.”

“Don’t call me that,” he sighed. “I don’t know why I’m stuck working with you. I don’t know what I did wrong in my life to get me here.”

“You didn’t go to college first of all,” Negan muttered, taking a bite out of his sandwich.

“Is this hell? Did I die and get stuck here?”

“Do you wanna get fucked up with me?”

Dwight stood in place, he was completely confused, “What?”

“Yeah when we get out of here, I’ll buy you some drinks. We need to chill the fuck out.”

Dwight exhaled and ran his hands through his hair, “Yeah. Okay.”

The open sign at the bar flickered on and off like a beacon of light. At least with someone there with him Negan could trust himself enough to steer clear of going to Lucille’s place.

“Here,” Dwight questioned, cocking an eyebrow.

“Yeah here. What’s wrong with here,” Negan said defensively.

“Didn’t think you were the rough and tumble type with your uh—polo shirt there,” Dwight pointed at his shirt, Negan looking more insulted than he should have been given the hell he had been giving Dwight.

“It’s work attire.”

“You look nothing like those guys.”

“Well shit you don’t know what I do on my days off.”

“Really? Do you pop on a leather jacket and ride around on a chopper?”

“Holy hell boy, I’m here offering you drinks—“

“Do you come to this place looking to get a black eye or something,” Dwight said honestly, a hint of concern in his voice.

Negan was taken aback, but eventually he spoke, “I don’t know. It’s a habit and uh—“

“That’s fine,” Dwight got out of the car, Negan walking a few steps behind him.

It didn’t take long for Negan to start has path to getting lit as fuck, but from the start Dwight just wasn’t having it. He was a grade A bummer.

The music was playing, more and more people were gathering the later it got and shit was getting rowdy. Negan was humming some song he forgot the words too and there was that Dwight fucker playing around on his phone still working on his same pint of beer, taking a sip every once and a while.

“Is that it,” Negan got closer, leering. He tapped on the table three times to get Dwight’s attention.

“Sherry don’t like it when I drink too much—“

“Shit they still there,” Negan’s hand moved up Dwight’s thigh and Dwight shoved him away.

“What?”

“Your testicles. They still fucking there?” Negan chuckled, a little too amused and a little too drunk to realize he almost sexually assaulted his coworker. “You her pussy bitch or something?”

“No,” Dwight sighed, “She just doesn’t like it. Hell, I don’t even like myself drunk.”

“Are you lightweight and too scared to admit it?”

“God. Not everything is about proving your manhood,” Dwight took a couple more sips of his drink and pushed it away. “You ever thought about respecting someone for once in your life?”

“We talking women now?”

“No. Everyone. But something tells me you haven’t touched a woman in a long time.”

“I sure as hell have. I am neck deep in pussy.”

“I’m not talking whatever you’re talking about. I’m talking love. Honest to god love.”

“Don’t tell me you’re some sap? I don’t need love. I’m just a greedy kid in the candy shop, dipping my dick in all sorts of goodies”

“I think you mean your hand.”

“No my dick.”

“What the hell kind of kid gets off on dipping his dick in candy—you know what,” Dwight pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “I’ll pay for my own drink. “

“Hold on,” pled Negan, his hand holding onto Dwight’s wrist. “I’m a sack of sorry shit. I’m man enough to say I’m fucked up. But I need a buddy, talk to me about whatever the fuck you want. I’m just drunk enough to listen. Let’s talk Sherry since you’re so hung up on her.”

Like magic Dwight’s tense face grew softer the second her name was mentioned, “It don’t have to be just Sherry.”

“Seems like you guys are a couple of lovesick honeymooners.”

“Believe it or not we’ve been together for what—nine or so years. Married for three though.”

“I guess that shit just don’t fade then,” Negan watched Dwight’s face in fascination.

“She likes to leave me post it notes around the house. Heh. Sometimes they’re things I got to remember. Other times they’re just love notes.”

“Oh. I usually don’t—uh—get romance. Like it’s for other people. For me it just doesn’t fucking click. I’d buy the roses, the chocolates, what-have-you, but it never seemed like it was enough. It was prepackaged shit I’d get at the grocery store. That just doesn’t feel genuine. Lucille would still play along though, we’d get it on, I’d just be railing her on every surface of the house,” Negan paused licking his lips, his gaze far off, “Then we just stopped. What about you and your girl?”

“Uh. That’s personal,” Dwight rubbed his nose, Negan nodded.

“Fair enough.”

“So this Lucille…”

“I can’t talk about it. Don’t know what good it is mentioning her.”

“Well you got other girls, yeah,” smirked Dwight.

“No one worth sticking to. Not that I’m looking to. I’m just a lost fuck looking to fuck. Nothing more nothing less. I’m starting to not even care about the conversation. I just undo my belt and let my dick do the talking.”

“Okay,” Dwight sighed, “But it’s been a while?”

“What’re you saying?”

“I’m just saying you’ve been extra mean. Maybe you need to, you know? You see any girls here?”

Negan blinked a couple of times in disbelief, for the first time he realized he hadn’t thought to scope out the place for women. So he did. He looked around and realized the place was a sausage-fest except for a couple of chicks he had been unfortunate enough to have already copulated with. 

“Being nice just ain’t my nature, it doesn’t have to do with my appetite.”

“For my sake pick someone, I don’t want to have you on my ass when I get to work.”

“Pfft. Your ass. There’s better asses…I can be on,” Negan choked out those last couple of words, even realizing himself that that sounded pretty wrong. He admittedly was feeling pretty woozy already. He was drinking with a purpose and it looked like he was getting close to the end of line sooner than he had expected.

“If not here, they have apps. Like dating apps except you can be specific about what you’re looking for.”

“What? No fucking way. I’m too technologically impaired for the type of shit. You see these wrinkles,” Negan pulled on his eyes, showing the prominent bags underneath them.

“Don’t you miss it?”

“Red lipstick,” Negan mused, his eyelids drooping as he thought of women, “Delicate hands. Soft, wet, velvet pussies.” Clearly this wasn’t where Dwight wanted this conversation to go, but there he was and there was Negan biting on his lower lip, sinking into his chair. Sexually frustrated, Negan ran his hand through his hair, looking completely disheveled, “So ripe and juicy I can just sink my mouth into it.”

“Uhm yeah,” Dwight ran his sweaty palms up and down his pants.

“I’ll think about it,” Negan nodded, wiping his mouth, his tongue sliding across his teeth and lips.

And by god that was the most shamelessly sexual thing he had ever seen in his life.  It was impossible for Dwight to hide his cringe. He wanted to be so far away from Negan now that he practically drug him out of the establishment and threw him into the car. His instinct would have been to left him there with no way home but Dwight knew perfectly well he wasn’t the kind of man to do that.

“Let’s get you home,” he turned on the car, Negan was in the passenger seat sitting so low he looked he lost his spine somewhere along the way.  

Their conversation stuck around in Negan’s head even when Dwight had been long gone. On his sofa he drank another beer as he flipped through the channels. In his garage was his car, the only thing he really cared for, the windshield smashed by the woman he loved. In his wallet he still had her angry post it note, holding onto it like it was her last goodbye. And it might as well been. It seemed fitting it’d end this way.

Absentmindedly Negan started going through his phone. Flipping through things, not really reading anything until he came across an ad on facebook. Yes, he did have a profile but he’d use it more for lurking than anything else. There were none of his pictures on it, much less his name.

The app seemed simple enough for a lazy asshole like him. Make a profile. Say what you’re looking for. Swipe left if you’re dick is limp, and swipe right if it’s rigid.

Negan smirked and sank into the cushions.

When it was all set up he got ready to start browsing through the singles. He took a gulp of his beer and was surprised to see his first option was a man.

“What the fuckity fuck,” Negan grumbled to himself. He swiped left. Another man. Left again. And another man. “What the fuck, man.” He swore he did it right but then again he was seeing double. The next person he landed on was a nice enough looking guy. Well— _shit_ —the word nice was an understatement. Negan licked his lips, staring at his picture. He looked like a complete square but the thing about squares was that they could be full of surprises. Negan could see that potential almost immediately. And man, the second he saw those piercing blue eyes, those cheekbones, that square jaw and those pink lips, well, he was curious why his mind went places he didn’t intend on going.

But why guys?

There was still that mystery that nagged at him, and quite honestly it was now becoming an excuse. He swiped right, only because he was a beginner. Of course he had questions. Maybe this Rick guy had all the answers.


	2. Chapter 2

Negan got the notification on his phone two days after swiping right. He was eating cereal and watching cartoons in his boxers. The noise was deafening. He must have raised the volume by accident. His phone was super sensitive. His ass was always calling people because of his habit of slipping his phone in his back pocket.

By then he’d already forgotten about the stupid app, chalked it up to technology failing him yet again. Although he never did think to sign out of his profile or delete the app off his phone to free up more space to save some porn when the time would come.

“Holy shit,” he said with his mouth full, milk dribbling out the corner of his mouth. “Holy fucking shit.” It was a strange state of euphoria he was feeling, something he wasn’t familiar with for a long time. His toes curled in anticipation as he thumbed through his phone. Jackpot!

Sure enough Negan was staring at the picture he could barely remember, but the feeling he felt now, well, that stuck. He couldn’t forget that.

He scratched at his scruffy face. Shit. He really needed to shave. Anxiously he stood up and put the phone on his coffee table, walking towards the bathroom. This was a really bad time to shave, but he still attempted it, his hand trembling when it really didn’t need to.

He took a deep breath and clutched at the sink looking at his face in the mirror. The funny thing about seeing himself everyday was the small changes just seamlessly blended from one day to the next until Negan wasn’t so sure who he was looking at anymore. He needed to relax and just ask the guy how in the hell the app had fucked up so hard. This wasn’t rocket science. Just one guy talking to another guy, it wasn’t any different than talking to Dwight. Except for one thing…

Rick wasn’t some confused deadbeat like himself, just looking for some pussy. No, he chose him.

That’s how that app worked right? And maybe it was no big deal but it was for Negan. Such a big deal. No one ever chose him. He was a hyena going in for the carcasses the lions left behind. It didn’t start off that way, not when he was younger. His ambition wasn’t gone, he just started aiming lower and lower, hearing no got so annoying, so he moved onto to just wanting a done deal. It was like he lost his mojo.

Oh shit. He did lose his mojo.

With his face covered in shaving cream he walked back to his phone and grabbed it, accidentally smearing cream on it. He grumbled to himself and wiped it off on his boxers.

He started typing out a message to Rick. In all his excitement he kept misspelling words and going back and correcting them. When he hit send, he let out a satisfied sigh. 

\------

Rick was in bed when he realized he made a big mistake. He started tapping on his phone over and over. It froze on a picture of a beautiful woman. Probably the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. She had a sparkling white grin, her skin so dark and smooth that she glowed.

“No. No. No. God damnit,” Rick cursed. Next to him were his son and infant daughter fast asleep.  It was a family secret that sometimes Carl would share the bed with him but he loved having Judith sleep on his chest, he couldn’t move so he’d eventually stay and catch some zzzs. Rick probably would have appreciated this picturesque moment more if he weren’t panicking. “You have got to be kidding me.” When it finally read his fingers it swiped left on her and swiped right on what he could make out was the figure of a man.

_You have a match!_

“No. What,” he hissed under his breath trying not to wake his kids. Curiosity got the best of him and with a sunken heart he went through this guy’s profile. He cringed as he browsed the photos. They were old, really old. And they looked like he used his camera to take a picture of the photos, the flash casting a huge glare so he could barely see him. But he looked tall, huge grin, a leather jacket and he was leaning against a jet black Camaro. Another one looked better, it looked like something out of a yearbook. He was in red shorts and a white polo, running alongside a group of kids playing basketball. He was pointing and presumably cursing at them. The whole thing looked staged, Rick couldn’t help laughing. The last picture was probably the weirdest though. It was just a zoom in on nostrils and a huge grin. Rick scowled.

He got another notification.

“Oh fuck,” he groaned.

Rick turned and saw Carl staring straight at him, his hands still resting on Judith, rubbing her back. “You cussed, dad.”

“Sorry.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing. C’mon. You woke me up,” Carl was groggy and annoyed and the least Rick could do to make it up to him was to say the truth.

“I was thinking of starting to date again.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry. I probably should have waited longer—“

“You meet anyone nice yet?”

Rick was surprised but Carl looked genuinely curious and not at all upset like he expected him to be.

“What,” Carl frowned, “You expect me to be whining about it? Mom left you, not the other way around.”

God that hurt, Carl didn’t mean it to but the kid was always so honest. Rick nodded and pursed his lips.

“Yeah. You’re right. And I went to a couple of dates but nothing really worked out.”

“They just wanted sex right?”

“What,” Rick questioned, startled by Carl’s nonchalance about his vast knowledge of dating.

“I’m right, yeah?”

“They’re too young and not looking for the same things I’m looking for.”

“So just sex,” Carl nodded and sighed, planting a kiss on Judith’s forehead.

“Don’t talk like that, you’re just turning 14.”

“Whatever.”

“Anyway the phone froze…”

“Dad I keep telling you the same thing. You’re low on space so you have to delete some stuff or move them to your laptop. Your phone will just keep doing the same thing.”

“I have pictures saved on here.”

“Of mom?”

Rick dropped his head and rubbed his face, clenching his teeth. “Okay I’ll delete them but what I was getting to was the thing froze and I matched up with a man. I don’t know what a man is doing there because I said I only wanted women and—“

“Oh he probably put himself as a girl by accident or maybe he is a girl, who knows.”

“Doesn’t look like a girl. At all,” Rick chuckled. “He sent a message. I’m scared to look.”

“Just look,” Carl started shifting so he could see what his dad was doing on the phone. “It’s probably a love confession or something.”

“Okay okay,” Rick clicked on the notification. Both him and Carl stared at the phone, consumed by curiosity.

_Who the fuck are you and why did you swipe right? >:( HELLO._

“Wow,” Carl raised his brow, “He sounds…eloquent.”

“What’s his problem? He’s the one who liked me first.”

“Shit. So that’s the guy who likes you,” he squinted, still looking at the phone from a distance. He pointed at the profile picture, then signaled for Rick to hand it over to him. Rick hesitated but gave it to him. Carl started going through the pictures, stifling his laughter. “Did you even read his bio. It says, _if you need a good dicking this is the place you’re looking for._ Wow.”

“Carl don’t—“

“What? That’s what it says, dad. That’s not even it. _I’m a rock n’ roller. I’ll make your eyes roll back if you wanna. Just one night I’ll be your daddy and you can be mamma. Yeah those are my lyrics. I’m in a band._ ”

“Jesus,” Rick grabbed the phone from Carl, “Why did I let you look at that.”

“Tell him you like him. He’s in a band. You can be his mama.”

“You are so close to being grounded,” he pinched the bridge of his nose trying to not break down into laughter. “I’ll just tell him what you said about him messing up his profile and that’ll be it.”

“Oh,” Carl said softly, clutching at Judy who was beginning to stir in her sleep.

“Laughing too much aren’t you,” Rick muttered before typing out his message.

\----------------

_Hello. This is Rick. I don’t like your tone but since I’m nice enough I’m going to give you the entire story. I was trying to swipe right on a beautiful young woman but the phone malfunctioned and it swiped right on you instead. I don’t like you. Don’t think that I do. I think you’re in the wrong place on here. You’re looking for a woman right?_

God what a long response. Negan stared at his screen, chewing on his fingernail, trying to think up a response.

 _Do I look like I like men?_ Negan responded.

He waited a while then Rick answered. _I don’t know I don’t care._

Negan smirked and sat up in his couch.

_You’re a real ass and a half there fellow. I’m wondering if you’re the fuck up here. What are you doing on my profile? It’s not a stupid assumption to think you like what you see._

A beat. Then another. Then another. Still no response. A few seconds felt like minutes. Negan’s heart was thumping pretty hard. He kept licking his lips and adjusting his position on the couch.

Finally Rick said something. _You put your gender as a woman and that you’re looking for a man. Go to your profile settings. You’ll see I’m right._

Negan paused. He wondered if he should just spit out another insult but he wound up following his instructions. He didn’t like being told what to do, it just wasn’t in his nature. From the start he told himself he was looking for the answer and well, there it was. Then again he knew perfectly well there was an FAQ section he could have used instead but—looks like Rick was right. He felt a little embarrassed. For a moment he hesitated changing his settings. He wasn’t familiar with this app and honestly he couldn’t risk losing his match with Rick. Admittedly so far the guy was a riot. So wound up tight, Negan was already having fun messing with him waiting for him to unravel.

He found himself in a difficult position. He wasn’t about to admit Rick was right but he didn’t want the conversation to end.

 _So you what brings you here then?_ He wrote to Rick. It was some kind of olive branch, the closest thing he could get himself to do that wasn’t an admission of defeat.

No answer.

The tv was still on and Negan had finished his shave. He was now brushing his teeth, his eyes straying from his own reflection and onto the phone that was on the toilet tank.

He went about as he usually did on his days off. He got a little buzzed. Smoked some dope in his backyard. Chilled on a lawnchair with a beer while Numbnuts was curled up into a ball next to him. The both of their stomachs were full of eggs and bacon. Just a couple of bastards enjoying their time off.

There were plenty of things he could have done instead. He was still living out of boxes. Lying around his place were unopened boxes of furniture he was supposed to put together. Months had gone by, maybe it had already been a year for all he knew. He was just fading in and out, sticking to his work schedule, sleeping and jerking off when he had time to himself. It was the furthest he’d gotten from living. He was a ghost of himself and it was so god damned depressing. Another weekend came and went with nothing done.

It was already long enough to conclude that Rick guy just wasn’t going to answer. Negan was already beginning to accept it as he solemnly nodded off.

He fell into a deep sleep. Flashes of memories were in his head, dim and grainy like a projection on the a white wall. Sitting at Lucille's bedside at the hospital, holding her hand when they got the diagnosis. It was a nightmare. Going home and staring up at that ceiling in their empty house, Lucille going through hell and back and he was just consumed by darkness, by guilt. 

Why couldn't it be him? Why her? She did nothing wrong.

He'd make her smile sometimes and by god that smile, she looked like an angel straight from heaven despite being in her fragile state. He told himself he could be the man she needed him to be, stay by her side even if she made it difficult from time to time, lashing out at him for choosing her as if he didn't have a choice. He did. He loved her. He'd never stop loving her. For once he turned to god and made a deal with him, if he did exist, if he was even a him, Negan wasn't so sure if something omnipresent even had genitals or not, that whole thing sounded pretty stupid and perverse even for him. From that point on he would be better, give her everything she asked for and more just so she could get better.

And well, it did work. She did get better. The cancer was gone, Negan felt that warmth spread through his chest when they were told the good news. Oh fuck, the laughter, the relief. Him holding her against his chest, she was sobbing so hard her tears left a huge wet stain on his shirt, but fuck it, he didn't care. It was just going to be Negan and Lucille until their last dying breath, preferably his first. 

But with opportunity came life, when she was better and settled, she was independent now. She needed to make a choice and her choice was she needed to move on. He came home to a silent house, all wasn't forgotten. She was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for him, she had some neatly stacked papers in front of her, a couple of empty bottles of beer on the table. And then came the news. The inevitable.

No Negan and Lucille, just Lucille. 

For fuck's sake. He didn't fucking blame her. He was street trash. 

He signed the papers. He said yes because he was a fucking adult. But nothing came to him that easy, he gave her hell again, he fought it and he wouldn't leave. There were fights, drunken voicemails, flowers delivered to her door. It didn't work. He couldn't find it in him to take it back, to find the right words, to reassure her he wasn't going to cheat again. But he couldn't even trust himself completely to really believe it either. He'd see the hesitation in her eyes, the dim spark of hope, she wanted it to work. She really did but she shut the door and there was no opening it again. 

The projector flickered off. Just darkness. 

Something stirred him to wake up, his phone buzzed twice on his stomach. Rick? He tried to tone down his own excitement. After he took a drink of his lukewarm beer he looked at the message.

_I need to move on._

His heart ached upon reading those words. Somehow, for some reason he felt some connection, like this guy knew what he was feeling. He didn’t want to seem desperate. He didn’t want to answer right away but he still did it anyway.

Negan typed a response. _Well shit, me too._

He hit send and waited for his answer.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm noticing the text convo's formatting looks weird on mobile. I'll fix that when I have the chance. Sorry about that.

This was going to be a slow day. It started off normal enough, the sun was out and everything, obnoxiously so. But the clouds came in and soon drizzling gave way to a thunderstorm. Negan’s break had already come around and he was standing outside, Dwight was standing a little further away, the both of them finding shelter underneath a carport located in the back. The pitter patter of the rain was nice, the clouds shielding the sun, even nicer. It was calming. One of his better days. Negan wasn’t a huge fan of the sun anyway. He was a sunglasses kind of guy since ever morning was one hangover after another.

Dwight breathed out a cloud of smoke, his back facing him, his shoulder obscuring the cigarette he was smoking. Negan noticed the way his back was slouched, he was texting. For once Negan didn’t feel too left out, he had something to do on his phone too.

**_< \- Rick (dirty harry):_ **

_You’re obsessed with that._

_You got a real problem._

_There is no harm in it._

_Doesn’t seem that way to me._

_Why? Cause I’m covered with bruises?_

_Battle scars give you character._

_I’m not playing with you._

_Scared I’ll make you my bitch?_

_No. I’m not good with hand/eye coordination._

_That’s a ton of horseshit and you know it._

_Yeah. You got me._

_You son of a bitch._

_Maybe if you were a better sport I’d let you show me._

_Hold the fuck on._

_You’ve never played?_

_Nope._

_Wow._

_I can play pool or poker._

_Rick, we’re not talking bout pool or poker._

_We’re talking PONG._

_Pong?_

_I never heard of pong._

_I've heard of ping pong._

_Ping pong. Whatever._

_I’ll paddle the fuck out of you if we play._

_Shit._

_Yeah. Shit. What the hell._

 

Woops. Negan blushed fiercely but he chalked it up to nerves. He didn't know what to say next.

“Hey uh,” he gently nudged Dwight, so gently Dwight looked disturbed by it.

“What. You okay?”

“Yeah I’m okay,” Negan frowned, “Can I get a cig?”

“You smoke.”

“Not all the time,” he smirked anxiously. Dwight nodded slowly.

“Here you go,” he handed him one, then lit it.

“Thanks.”

“No problem,” Dwight overlooked him, appearing to be fretful. “I saw you’ve been busy there.” He pointed at the phone, smiling timidly at Negan. “Got a chick or?”

“Huh? Oh. Nah,” Negan waved him off, “It’s a guy. A buddy. He’s like uh—“ he fidgeted, Dwight’s concern growing exponentially now. “Like a friend I met?”

“That’s cool.”

“Heh,” Negan chuckled, “Yeah it kinda is.” He sucked on his cigarette and blew out smoke, staring off at the traffic nearby. Looking at the traffic lights in the distance.

“Hey you guys, customer is in the front,” their boss stuck his head out.

“Me or him,” Negan gestured to himself then Dwight, “I just barely lit this. It’d be a crazy waste.”

“You serious,” the boss stared him dead straight in the eyes, confused.                                   

“Yeah Aaron,” scoffed Negan, crossing his arms as Dwight put out his own cigarette.

“It’s cool. I can do this,” Dwight walked right past the both of them briskly.

“You’re always in it to win, you doing okay there,” Aaron’s concerned blues searched for Negan’s trying to find the reason behind his sudden shift in character.

“Let him get a kill for once,” Negan flashed his grin. “I’m not a complete asshole.”

Aaron stayed still like a deer caught in headlights. Negan? Not an asshole?

It took a while for Aaron to process what was happening. As far as he knew Negan, he had a one tracked mind when it came to sales. He came at people like a shark. They either loved him or they hated him. But he was one persistent bastard who would not relent.

Negan was great at what he did and Aaron was pleasantly surprised when Negan went from a part time salesman to a full time salesman.

After giving him a nod, Aaron was about to go back inside when he heard the other man curse out loud, holding his phone in his hands, the lit cigarette in between two of his fingers.

“Oh fuck. Look at these dogs. My buddy sent me this video of these dogs biting this tennis ball and the bastards won’t let go. It’s silly as all fuck, look at this,” he pointed at the screen, showing Aaron the vine. “That is fucking cute. Oh man.”

Aaron blinked a couple of times, bewildered all over again. Who the fuck was the man? And what did he do to Negan?

\-------------

“Hey what is it,” Rick whispered softly into his phone, it was late at night already. He’d taken a nap once he got home from working his shift and was surprised to see he’d overslept. His bed beckoned him to crawl in. The sheets and blankets and pillows smelled just like home, something he’d been longing for all day. It was impossible for him to ever want to leave his plush cocoon.

Carl must made dinner and put Judith to sleep. That kid was a godsend. With having so much to do Rick rarely had time to himself, and surprisingly enough his bed was empty. The house was quiet except for the buzz on his cell phone a second ago and now the sound of his own voice and the voice of another, gruff and masculine.

“What are you up to?”

“You never call. You just text. This is Negan right.”

“Yeah it’s fucking Negan. Don’t you look at your caller ID?”

Right. It was Negan. About as clear as day. It was just strange hearing him talk for the first time. Oddly enough his voice was just like Rick imagined except he sounded tired, every bit as tired as he probably sounded himself.

“Don’t make me regret answering the phone. I didn’t even think to look. I’m a father, I’m always worried and expecting the worst. Anyway I was asleep.”

“Oh,” Negan sounded sympathetic enough, he paused before speaking again, “Look. You’re going to totally want to roast me after I tell you what I did.”

“Jesus Christ. Just straight into it.”

“Hey man you can hang the fuck up now if you want. I couldn’t give the slightest fuck. Aren’t you the least bit curious what I fucking did? It’s pretty pathetic too.”

“Okay. Lay it out then,” Rick sat up in his bed, rubbing his forehead as he willed himself to be a bit more conscious. He probably let it go too far with this guy but he didn’t have anyone else to talk to. There was something about strangers. It’s always easiest to divulge everything to them before they wore out their welcome and actually become people. And honestly right now, Negan was seeming more like a person with each day that wore on. Their history was building up into something, a friendship maybe, but with the way they bickered, they weren’t all that friendly. Negan was a voice at the other end of the line, and just that alone brought Rick comfort.

“I saw Lucille had a profile too. Pretty near damn broke my heart in two, god damnit. Of fucking course the broad would move on. She’s still hot as fuck. She still makes my dick as rock hard as she did from day one. I was curious if she was as active on there because how the fuck else could I know, she could have started up the profile and gave up half way through.”

“You’re just talking so much,” Rick moaned, “Get to the point. You can’t build it up this much and not have some kind of pay off here.”

“Shit fuck, Rick. You need to know everything. How else are you going to appreciate the kicker, okay? Cause there’s a real big one here. All-fucking-right?”

“I’m tired, Negan.”

“You’re so fucking cute, Rick you don’t even know. I don’t think you can grasp it. For the longest time I didn’t think you were real, I thought you was some stock photo shit that they use on the home page for match fucking dot com.”

“Look I’m flattered but—“

“I made a fake profile using some of your pictures I had saved.”

“Wait…you have pictures saved.”

“That’s not even important. Whatever.”

“I think it is.”

“Shit. Fuck! You gonna let me finish? You want us to talk all night long or something? Like two teenage girls spooning each other in bed?”

“I’m so glad you call me when I’m asleep to tell me that you’ve committed identity theft. I’m a cop. Why the hell would you—“

“Right. I seriously can’t shake the image of you in uniform off my mind. Some real serious whacking material for the ladies am I right? I bet all the chicks like to break the law when they’re around you. You got any stories? It’d make my night more interesting.”

“She said yes didn’t she?”

“To your ugly mug? Uh huh. Yeah.”

“Why’d you have to do that to yourself?”

There was that sudden concern that’d reel Negan in. He sank into his couch, drink in hand.

“I don’t know.”

Negan heard Rick sigh on the other side of the line. He could hear him shifting in bed and something about that made him feel closer to him, made him want to be in that room with him, like he could make him feel rational again. This whole thing was a masochistic crusade. Negan didn’t know why he needed to know. It was stupid.

“You’re doing the same thing as her. At least you’re trying to start over.”

“Don’t make me sound so noble,” Negan said with a tinge of self-pity in his voice, “I’m not looking for love but she probably is. Can you believe that?”

“I don’t know her. So I can’t say.”

“I wasted nearly two decades of her life. And I’m selfish. And knowing this, one half of me wants to trash my room and the other half is so fucking glad her life is back on track without me.”

“Beating yourself up gets you nowhere.”

There was silence on the line for a while. Rick waited, holding his phone to his ear. He would have thought Negan had hung up if he hadn’t heard him breathing then, taking a drink, the ice falling against the glass.

“Hey uh—at least I know in a swingers type situation Lucille would chose you.”

“Lori would not like you.”

“What make you say that?”

“Just a hunch.”

“Alright. But what about a threesome situation? Me, you, Lucille. Never did a male, male, female type thing. Actually as crazy as my life got, I never did any type of threesome. But I guess it’s not gay right? If your dicks don’t touch right? But it’s kind of impossible if we’re both slamming in the same area yeah? Balls just gotta touch at some point. It seems impossible not to.”

“Negan,” Rick breathed out.

“What?”

“You need to sleep.”

“Shit that twang of yours.”

“Shut up.”

“You are a cowboy aren’t you? Tell me I’m right.”

Rick felt a blush spread through his cheeks, his gaze looking out his window. “I can do things…some cowboys do.”

“Like riding horseback?”

“Yeah.”

“Well fuck me.”

“You ever hear yourself or is your mouth running ahead of your brain?”

“This how you flirt cause you’re doing one hell of a piss poor job.”

“Sleep.”

“Not until you tell me a story.”

“I have plenty for you but not right now.”

“Tease,” Negan whined, “Like blowing shit up stories or like strip searching women stories?”

“Like arresting a man for trying to sodomize a cow kind of story.”

“Well was he in love?”

“Who fucking knows,” Rick giggled out.

“Jesus, and you didn’t think to ask,” Negan said about as seriously as he could before they both burst into laughter.

\------

He really should have thanked Rick. If it hadn’t been for him he wouldn’t have gotten to work the app right. He wouldn’t have been with his hands clutching at the counter in a bathroom, his knuckles turning white, just driving his dick right into the hottest chick he had seen for a while. She was doing all the right things, saying all the right things and there was red hot blood coursing through his veins.

“She was a real freak, she liked looking in the mirror while we were really mmm…you know. It was hot,” Negan stood outside the bar, watching the girl from a distance as she was adjusting her dress and getting into her car. She gave him a wave and he nodded, flashing her a huge grin. “That sort of wham bam, thank you ma’am thing. All her shit, man, it was all in the right places and she had the tightest—“

“I’m gonna have to stop you there,” Rick laughed. “That’s good. Good for you. But do you really need to call?”

“Shit. It was so good I was tempted to call you in the middle of it.”

“That is well—that’s—“ Rick was at a loss for words. Sometimes he wondered if Negan even had a grasp of how odd he was.

“It’s supposed to be flattering. I’m just really drilling that chick and I’m thinking what have I got to report to my cowboy?”

“I don’t know why people think I need to know that private stuff. My partner does the same thing.”

“Hmm. That Shane fellow?”

“He looks like a bowling ball now with that shiny shaved head of his,” Rick giggled out. “I can’t believe he did that.”

“You’re looser than usual. You’re laughing more than scolding. Getting your drink on?”

“Pfft,” there was a pause, “Am I really that different.”

Negan chuckled, tucking his hand into his jacket. “How’s long it been since you get your rocks off? Since you’ve fucked.”

“I’m not talking about that.”

“Take another drink then.”

“You’re a bad influence.”

“Fuck yeah Ricky boy,” Negan licked his lips, sure enough he heard Rick take another swig. “Lori got the kids or?”

“Shit. I wouldn’t be drinking otherwise.”

“Then I’ll pick you up. I’m still out. I could just uhh—drop by and we could well hang out and—“

A beat. “…and talk?” Rick finished his sentence.

Negan mulled over that thought and nodded, laughing into the line, “Yeah talk. What else?”

Licking his lips, Rick hesitated, “No. I should sleep.”

“Alright then,” Negan tried to hide the disappointment in his voice, picturing the series of events that’d come after this. He’d get a drink alone, go home alone, and throw himself onto his bed… _alone_.  “How am I ever going to know if you look like your pictures if you keep shooting me down like this?”

“I can’t even see your face in any of your pictures.”

“Spoiler alert, Rick, I’m one ugly bastard. I was born and they put a paper bag over my head with the holes cut out for my eyes.”

“Heh. That’s a bit much.”

“Or maybe I’m the hottest guy you’ve ever seen in your life.”

“Well…I’m picturing something somewhere in the middle,” Rick squinted, trying to get a mental image.

“Hey. Maybe you’re right. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

“Does it even matter?”

“Don’t know. That’s up to you, my friend,” Negan leaned against the brick wall, it was chilly even with his hoodie on. He decided to forgo the drink and just walk to his car, slamming the door and turning on the radio low.  

“Is tonight going to be a tough night for you,” Rick spoke softly, uneasiness in his voice.

There was a pause, Negan swallowed before speaking, “No. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m drinking to make the night better. The bed’s pretty cold.”

Negan blinked, his hand clutching at the steering wheel, his heart aching a bit. It felt like an invitation when it probably shouldn’t have. He shook his head side to side, biting his lip. “Hey buddy, turn up the heater.”

“Yeah okay. Goodnight.”

\----------

The next couple of days went by like a dream. Not a good dream, but not really a bad one either. Negan stuck to his routine. There were nice moments, and some dark ones and right now was more bittersweet than ever. Lucille, well, she was always like a dream. When she would smile, she’d practically glow.

A few tables over Negan saw her for what felt like the first time. It always felt that way now that they were apart. For once he’d actually been a good boy, avoided her completely since the day she drove a baseball bat through his windshield.

He probably should have known better, he’d eventually bump into her. They still lived close enough to each other that their paths would cross.

At the moment he was third-wheeling with Sherry and Dwight at an Applebees. Their appetizers got there and the whole time Negan found himself wondering how he ended up being invited some place.  No one invited him anywhere except to drink. He didn’t know what to do or what to say, much less where to put his hands. He went with the safe bet and was stretched out on his side of the booth, taking up as much space as possible to reassure himself he still had some semblance of control over this situation.

“Don’t worry it’s Sherry’s idea, I don’t like you,” Dwight reassured him when she got up to go to the bathroom.

“I’m relieved. Was wondering if I was looking like I was a pitiful bastard,” Negan smirked. “It’s crazy but back there, a couple booths away is none other than my fucking ex-wife.”

Dwight turned and immediately recognized her, “She the one that looks like Bettie Page?”

“Yeah like a forty year old Bettie Page whose life didn’t get so fucked up that she tried to stab someone.”

“You saying she did,” Dwight’s eyes grew large. Negan scoffed.

“Fuck no. I mean the real Bettie Page but whatever, I said nothing. But oh fucking boy, she could throw a wicked punch. I felt it for days.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yeah. Right in the dick.”

“That hard?”

“No she actually punched me in the dick.”

“Oh.”

Sherry returned from the bathroom, all sweet and so young. Really people would stare each time she’d pass by then. She was tall and thin, large Audrey Hepburn type eyes. Negan couldn’t help staring at her too but now he was reasonably distracted, he kept looking behind them at Lucille sitting with some friends. They were all smiles until a man approached their table.

Lucille stood up, she was wearing jeans and a t shirt that hugged her figure, her love handles showing a little. Negan looked at her fondly, remembering how she’d complain when she started putting on a couple pounds. Hey I got a little pouch of fat too, Negan remembered saying, patting his stomach. He looked down, he still did. Not so much a beer-gut but the beginning of one.

All the other women she was sitting with were all watching, knowing looks on their faces. Negan felt his stomach sink when she put her arms around this stout looking man. Short but, he was pretty muscular, probably younger. And fuck. For fucks sake. They kissed.

It was fast, if he had blinked he would have missed it but what hurt worse was seeing their fingers intertwine before he joined them, sitting next to her.

Negan grabbed a loaded potato skin and shoved the whole thing in his mouth, chewing quickly, staring at his plate, trying to keep himself from screaming and making a scene. His heart was pounding, his face was hot and there was Sherry, looking worried.

God she was sexy. Disney princess hot. A saucy little minx with something dark hidden somewhere inside, he could sense the freak in her and Dwight was busy looking elsewhere. He kept trying to flag down the waiter to refill his drink.

Negan took a gulp out of his beer and looked right back at Sherry, his tongue peaking from in between his lips as his mouth spread into a smirk.

She was one hell of a fucking conquest. Negan licked his lips and brushed his thumb against hers, Dwight was still distracted. She jumped up, he could imagine the shivers going down her spine. She looked away bashfully, pursing her lips. But eventually grew brave. Her brown eyes locked with his, giving him this long sultry look and by god, Negan felt like satan had him by the ankles, ready to pull him straight down into the flames.

\----

“You didn’t though did you?”

“No of fucking course I didn’t. Do I look stupid as fuck?”

“You know I can’t say if I know for sure,” Rick uttered.

“I’m not.”

“Sounds like you initiated it though.”

“By touching her?”

“Yeah by touching her.”

“I touch plenty of people. I was being friendly.”

“But you said you couldn’t stop looking at her.”

“Yeah. But she was so sizzling hot. Pictures don’t give her justice. I can’t in the ever living fuck know how Dwight got ass as sweet as that then actually manage to lock it down.”

“And you’re any better,” Rick said dryly.

“Uh. Yeah. I am. I got technique. I know how to show a girl a good time.”

“You know perfectly well it ain’t just that.”

“Hmm,” Negan sighed into the phone, “I could indulge a little. I doubt it’ll blow up in my face. I just want a little bit of forbidden fruit.”

“And what about Lucille?”

“What about Lucille?”

“Don’t you think you’re just trying to distract yourself from what you saw?”

“Shit. No.”

“Okay.”

“What the hell.”

“I let it go.”

“You don’t sound like you believe me.”

“I’m just the little voice in the back of your head warning you you’re about to fuck it all up.”

“Nicely said but I got my big boy pants on,” Negan was already settled in bed wearing a t shirt and boxers, one hand over his head, the other rubbing his stomach. “Actually I’m not wearing any pants.”

Rick swallowed, and laughed nervously. “I think I’ve said all I need to say. Anyway…”

Negan’s fingers kept skirting the elastic of his boxers, he knew where his mind kept going when he’d talk to Rick. He wasn’t an idiot and well honestly just hearing his voice as he scolded him drove him a little crazy. “What,” his tone sounding needier than he intended.

“You got to stop calling so much.”

“You really mean that,” Negan questioned, laughing.

“Yeah I gotta say I do,” Rick couldn’t help laughing either, “I go to sleep and you always call right when I’m drifting off.”

“Rick Grimes, you’re about as honest as they come and I can tell when you’re lying. You know perfectly well you were just going to stare up at that ceiling and think of all the things you could have done right. And quite honestly, that’s time wasted. Time I’m willing to fill with my voice instead. Let me be your parasite, huh?”

“Shut up. How about next time you sell me a car and not yourself,” Rick smiled.

The line went dead, and Negan dropped his head against the pillow. The asshole hung up. What a fucking tease.

Negan turned to his side, his hand still on his stomach. He looked down at himself, at his exposed skin. Running his tongue across his lips mischievously he let his mind go where ever it needed to go. Maybe he needed to ease some of that tension. He let his hand dip right into his boxers and let out a long moan, his head rolling back as he shut his eyes thinking of Rick Grimes and no one else. His toes curled.

It’d be just once. Who would even know?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading you guys are the best. This chapter I jump around a lot so it might be hard to keep up with so sorry in advance. I kept giving it the once over to try and make sure it doesn't get too confusing. I'm warning you I'm leaving you guys off on a cliffhanger. Don't hate me too much. Hopefully I'll keep on schedule and release a new chapter each sunday. Happy reading! And apologies for any typos.

There was an hour left before the party. Sales had gone up, horray, not that Negan particularly cared. Sure he got a bonus, but he didn’t really have anything in mind to use it on. Work was more of a distraction than anything, with Rick as a newer more intriguing distraction, Negan could feel his mind swaying from his competitive nature. The less intense he was, the more sales he started making, Dwight was actually asking for honest to god pointers from him and was getting good in his own way.

Aaron was so jazzed by all of this success that he was throwing a party, like an adult pizza party. There was pizza but more importantly there was also booze. Negan got home early with the full intention of taking a nap but he didn’t.

His moans could be heard from the living room, luckily no one was home. No one was ever home. Those depressing thoughts hung around in the background, he needed to turn those off. He worked his hand slow, not getting carried away, wanting it to really last, he couldn’t lose his head this quick. He tried to be silent but he couldn’t, this was unexplored territory and so freaking hot. Hot as all hell.

The video played on his laptop, two guys getting it on. Two hot as hell guys, it still wasn’t any easier for him to really admit it though. He just watched it for what it was, not really taking time to reflect on why he sought it out, it was just simple curiosity. The same kind he had as a kid when he first came across his best friend’s dad’s stash of Hustler.

He ran his tongue across his lips watching the two guys kiss, one pinning the other down, lifting his leg and pushing right in. The taker let out the sweetest moans, the kind of moans Negan couldn’t imagine a guy making, and he found himself moaning along with him. He threw his head back, his hand moving faster, wanting to be that guy on top—well—he wanted to the be the guy on the bottom too. Pitching and taking never seemed as appealing as now, he just needed someone, anyone.

And there it was, that golden moment, Negan’s eyes lost focus on what he was watching, everything suddenly blurry, so blissful, so fucking alive. He could feel himself right there in the moment, less dead, less ice cold. The guys kept moaning on the laptop but Negan didn’t pay any more mind to it. He was cumming all over himself, writhing in his bed, nearly kicking his sheets off but knocking over the laptop instead.

“Oh fuck, fucking hell, god damn fucking shit,” he cursed, regretfully now not able to fully enjoy his return to consciousness. That warm and fuzzy feeling was replaced with regret and frustration. He fell back into his bed, grabbing a Kleenex, cleaning himself off. He stared up at the ceiling for a while, not even wanting to assess the damage. That could wait. He was feeling pretty tired anyway.

After letting a loud groan, he grabbed his comforter and pulled it over him. He turned to his side, spooning one of his pillows until he fell asleep.

No dreams. Just smooth sailing.

Not long passed before he woke up hungry and needy for attention. He sent Rick a text.

_What should I eat, tiger?_

He tapped on the phone, holding it close to his face as he waited for a response.

 _My shorts._ Rick responded.

Negan chuckled and texted back.

_That has to be the lamest joke you’ve ever made. You’re such a dad._

Negan ran his tongue along his inner cheek, then chuckled.

_So?_

_Give me a real answer, daddy._

_Fine._

_Meatball sandwich._

Oh fuck that did sound good,  a warm sub, marinara sauce, a heaping helping of protein—shit—that’d really hit to spot. Negan groaned, grabbing a pillow and putting it over his face. A meatball sandwich just wasn’t going to happen.

He needed a suggestion more realistic…he closed his eyes and licked lips, something like…Negan smirked devilishly.

Something a little more phallic maybe.

Where the hell did the horniness come from? Negan guessed it was just all his primordial needs piling on him. And dicks, well, he thought about dicks from time to time. Every guy probably thought about stuff like that, didn’t make them gay.

But lately he just couldn’t shake the thought of being on his knees, fingers gripping and tugging on his hair, some guy’s cock filling his hungry mouth. Sucking, slurping, groaning, Negan licked his lips at the thought of it. Mouth feels, uh huh.

It that was all it is, maybe it was as simple as wanting a chili-dog or something. There was a food truck just around the corner that sold hot dogs actually.

He drove the fuck over there, still wearing his robe and pajamas. He was sitting in his car parked in some isolated parking lot, watching the cars drive by as he shoved the hot dog into his mouth. He shut his eyes and chewed, gobbling it down until it was all finished. He shoved the last bit of bread in his mouth when it didn’t even fit anymore. After nearly gagging, he tried to not panic, his heart beating hard in his chest. If he nearly fucking died this way, that would be too damn depressing.

He seriously needed to learn how to swallow.

Since Lucille, Negan wouldn’t iron his clothes. He’d hang them in the bathroom, take a hot shower, and hope that the steam would get out the wrinkles and most times he was right. This time he had a crispy looking dressy shirt that he took out of its packaging for the first time. It was so…not…him.

Negan frowned as he looked at it. Cotton polos were fine, still not him, but they were a requirement for work and incidentally also for his coaching gig before. He could live with that but this…

It was like putting different skin. Maybe to get shit done, he’d have to.

The party was being held at Aaron’s place. Bring a +1 if you want, Aaron had chirped when handing Negan an invitation. He put way too much effort into the invitation. If had been him throwing the party, he’d just loudly announce it and leave it at that.

“It was Eric’s idea,” Aaron said when he stood next to Negan at the party. “This is our first party after the engagement,” he flashed his engagement ring.

Negan blinked at it in surprise. He talked about the news like he had mentioned it before, but Negan couldn’t remember him saying anything. Maybe he just wasn’t paying attention.

“My finger feels a little light. It’s weird getting used to,” Negan mused, taking a drink out of his beer. Aaron was looking at him worriedly. _Fuck, did he dampen the mood?_ He had to smooth things over, “Hey I’m happy for you two. It’ll probably work out for you. Marriage is like playing Russian roulette except the barrel’s filled with four full chambers and one empty one. “

“So you uh—“ now we were getting to the real reason why Aaron decided to make small talk, “What about your +1?”

Negan looked around the room and then shrugged. “Uhh? Didn’t think it was a requirement.”

“It wasn’t but—“

 _Oh shit._ At that point he realized everyone was paired up. All the fucking salesmen had their ladies with them, Aaron had his fiancé there, mixing the drinks in the kitchen, doing a silly little dance to whatever was playing on the stereo. Negan realized how much he stood out like a sore fucking thumb.

“C’mon lay off of him,” Dwight cut in, he had his arm slung around Sherry’s shoulder. She was wearing a nice little number. Her chest and shoulders were showing and Negan’s eyes were drawn in immediately. She played with her necklace, her brown eyes meeting with his.

There was this spark. This magnetic, destructive, incredibly appealing thing. Like his mom leaving a plate full of cookies out to cool, he knew they’d burn his tongue on the way down but patience wasn’t his thing and making good decisions certainly wasn’t his thing either. In this case the cookies were Sherry’s breasts, round and so damn grabable.

He thought of her riding him on the couch, one hand on thigh, the other on her tit, his mouth trying to catch a nipple during the frenzy. That fantasy was every bit as vivid as the blow job one he was having earlier but—something was different.

His eyes drooped. She smiled, then looked away, taking a bigger part in the conversation Aaron was having with Dwight.

That shadow wasn’t some stranger in his fantasy. He could see his face crystal clear. It was a flesh and blood person.

\------------

Rick was a simple enough man. He kept to his schedule, went about his day as close as he used to before everything changed. Since the divorce he moved out of his home in suburbia and traded out for a house a couple streets away. It wasn’t any different, it just cost less because it was further from the school nearby. Not that it really mattered, he just couldn’t live with the memories the other place had. He moved the stuff on his own for the most part, Shane had intended to help but instead they kept getting drunk and talking about what happened with Lori.

Shane didn’t seem to get it. Rick would blankly stare at him, the conversation always veering to his own thoughts and experiences, sometimes completely going off topic. 

Starting over? Clean slate?

It wasn’t that easy.

“It is that easy. You just gotta open your eyes and get out there,” Shane said with genuine optimism that Rick couldn’t begin to understand.

And after a while loneliness was just that, loneliness. He kept busy, and tried to appreciate what he had left. On a lucky enough day he got out of his shift early and came home to chatter coming from the kitchen, Carl doing his chores with Judy on her high chair.

They both smiled and that alone kept him going. Just for the both of them. It was fuel for his tired bones, and his aching heart.

“We don’t see you much, dad,” Carl said with weary eyes, “I like freedom as much as the next kid, but c’mon.”

“Oh right. Are you doing okay in school?,” Rick was running his hands through his hair, nervously. “I always get so caught up in myself, your mom hated that.”

“I’m doing alright,” it was surprising to hear Rick ask but Carl tried to not appear touched by his concern. “Aren’t you overworking yourself?”

“Well son,” Rick shifted in his chair, resting his hands on the table, “I gotta pay the bills and—“

“I know you’re working extra shifts. Shane called during lunch asking how things were and I was honest.”

“Oh,” Rick moved back and crossed his arms. “What did you say?”

“What do you think? He sounded worried.”

“I’m just not getting enough sleep. I just went to the doctor and got some pills to help.”

“I hear you talking at night,” Carl licked his lips, raising his gaze to his father. “And sometimes it’s late. I don’t mean to but the walls are thin here.”

“It’s nothing. I just have a friend I talk to.”

“A friend? Shane?”

“No,” Rick looked away, a little uncomfortable with the conversation, “It’s complicated.”

“I’m old enough to know.”

“Well I’m not talking to myself if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Dad,” Carl smirked, “Did you meet someone? Are you staying up like some lovesick teenager?”

“Meet someone? No,” Rick nodded, trying to find the right words to say, “I uh—I am talking to someone, her name is Jessie. But I’m not talking to her. She goes to bed early, she’s got two boys and she needs all the sleep she can get—“

“Don’t tell me you’re a player.”

“No,” Rick dropped his head, stifling his laughter. “You remember that guy? The one who got his profile wrong?”

“Uh. Yeah,” Carl’s eyes grew wide, his mouth open, “Him?”

“We have things in common. Things we’re both going through. He just went through a divorce too and—“

\---------

“Him,” questioned Shane.

It was the same exact situation and Rick offered the same explanation and Shane was responding exactly the same way as Carl did. He was completely and absolutely confused, his expression frozen until his eyes darted about studying Rick’s expression see if he was lying or not.

The subject wouldn’t have come up if it hadn’t been for Rick working a night shift and Negan calling thinking he was at home in his bed. Shane came into the car with two shakes in hand, and a wide smirk like he caught him with his hand in the cookie jar.

“How many times do I catch you talking to her already? Texting on your phone, telling her to hang up. You’re not kidding me.”

Why did everyone seem to think he was talking to a woman?

That thought stayed stuck in Rick’s mind but the look of disappointment stung deeper.

Was this some new low he’d hit? The whole thing was complicated. Male friendship was complicated. There always seemed to be this set standard of rules that needed to be followed and in private him and Shane practically broke ever kind of rule. They were close, next level close but right now it just wasn’t cutting it and maybe Shane was upset, just an outsider looking in. Rick had someone new to tell these secrets to, and Rick never intended it to happen. It just did and Rick let it go further and further because it was nice to feel validated.

Negan wasn’t that bad of a guy. Not that even came into the equation. He just understood what he was going through and what was wrong with that? Rick wasn’t looking for anyone’s approval, he was looking for someone to admit things weren’t the best, and there was no way in hell things would get resolved the way he wanted them to. Lori wasn’t coming back, he wasn’t going to completely move on. He didn’t want manufactured bullshit, Negan gave him anything but. He gave him a healthy dose of the truth.

“Bad night?”

“Bad night, yeah,” Negan said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“What happened?”

\----

Rick wasn’t sure how he ended up here. Negan wasn’t home when he called, he was at a bar and he sounded all kind of awful. It wasn’t the ideal way to meet anyone for the first time but Rick couldn’t say no especially at the risk of Negan driving home drunk.

The second he pulled up to the place he recognized it. He’d broken up fights there before, the bar was infamous for harboring that kind rough and tumble atmosphere. Bikers, gangsters, drug dealers, you name it, it was all there. Anyone else would have been afraid but Rick had a one tracked mind. Get Negan, get out.

The first hurdle presented itself pretty early. Everyone there was having a good time, a thriving ecosystem, one he certainly didn’t belong to. Eyes were on him, like what could seem like a sea of faces. None of them recognizable. Now how in the hell was he going to find him if he didn’t have much of a grasp of what he looked like?

There was no bartender in front, instead he saw him standing next to a booth a washcloth hung over his shoulder, one foot on the chair looking over someone slouched on the table.

“You Rick,” he turned to him, sensing him before he made his presence known.

Rick nodded.

This man looked like a straight up caricature of a sketchy guy but he kindly offered his hand, “Name’s Simon. So Rick, you looking for a Negan?”

“Yeah.”

“Well here he is…or what’s left of him.”

“Is this place safe enough for me to leave his car here?”

“Are you saying this isn’t a safe place,” his once content expression grew concerned. “I think I know how to run this establishment.”

Rick raised both hands, alarmed. “Didn’t mean wrong by it. Just a question.”

Simon started laughing then pat his shoulder, moving out of his line of view so Rick could get a good look at Negan. “I’m just kidding. Looks like this fella over did it. Told me he was waiting for you so I kept an eye on him. He’s one of our best customers.”

“Is this just a nice way of saying he’s an alcoholic,” Rick sighed. 

Simon guffawed “That’s one way of putting it, “he roughly shoved at Negan’s form. “Get out of here. Need the booth open. You awake there asshole?”

“Oh fuck. Shit fuck. Jesus Christ, you piece of flaming shit,” Negan jumped up, his eyes weary, his voice rough like sandpaper.

Rick blinked. Wow. This was Negan? The same person he’d confide to in the midnight hours. The same man who had enough trust in him to do the same.  Here he was right in front of him and honestly Rick had no explanation why his heart was beating so hard in his chest. Well, he finally had his answer now. The shitty pictures didn’t seem to do him any justice. He knew two seconds in that he was never going to forget that face.

Negan’s response was somewhat impaired, he shook his head side to side, cradling it in his hands, looking around Simon and up at Rick. His drooping eyes grew round, eyelashes fluttering before he leaned his hand against his forehead giving Rick the most charismatic smile he had seen in his life.

Rick just knew he gave his mother hell as a kid. He had that look to him.

“So this is what it took to get you here in front of me. Who am I seeing with these two eyes of mine, huh? None other than Rick fucking Grimes.”

Rick leaned towards him, his voice soft, “That’s fine and all but how about I get you home.”

“Your eyes. Just wow,” Negan licked his lips. “I feel like you knocked the air straight out of me just looking at me like that. About as blue as the motherfucking ocean like in those dumb travel commercials. We’re walking on sunshine woah oh and don’t it feel good,” he slurred, making an attempt to stand and sing but almost falling over himself instead.

“That’s alright, I’m a big guy,” Simon took over, and slung Negan’s arm around his shoulder. “I can take him to your car, just show me the way.” He said to Rick.

You could never get one over on Rick Grimes. He was probably acting like an authority figure since day one, ratting out all the kids on their lies. And god kids were such big liars. And Negan was the biggest trouble maker of them all. When his eyes wandered in Rick’s direction he half wondered if they’d met before would they be the biggest enemies or the tightest of friends? Probably both.

“Did you get yourself drunk on purpose,” Rick said flatly as he drove, he saw straight through him. From the walk to the car he felt that accusation lingering in the air. He was just surprised at how long it took for Rick to actually ask.

Negan shrugged, his head leaning against a pillow Rick had given him. He shut his eyes and nodded. “I wanted to see if you came. I wanted to see you.”

“You’re a manipulative piece of shit. I have a life.”

Okay, Negan had to admit to himself that this was a crappy way to get to meet Rick. The ride back to his place was silent except for a couple of grunts and nods, Negan sluggishly pointing down what streets Rick should take. Rick’s posture was stiff and rigid, he was upset, Negan’s eyes kept looking towards him feeling some kind of magnetic pull. He was feeling guilty because god knows what Rick was leaving behind at his place. Probably his kids. Now he felt even more awful.

Then again Rick didn’t have to come. He could have easily left him there all by his lonesome.

“Oh fuck,” Negan saw Rick pass the gas station right next the street where Rick was supposed to turn. “It’s right there you gotta do—“

“A U-turn? You should have said something,” Rick hissed through his clenched teeth.

“Look, Rick what do you want me to say? You kept saying no. I had to do something. What’s wrong with wanting to see someone?”

“I was fine with things before.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Just some faceless stranger you talk to on the phone?”

“At least that way you wouldn’t impede on my life.”

“You should have fucking called a sex line if that’s what you wanted. Lucky for you I don’t fucking charge by the minute right? This is so fucking sobering. My buzz is long gone,” Negan muttered, wiping his face as drool accidently dribbled out of his mouth. He wiped it off on his shirt and gave Rick a nervous look, hoping he didn’t see that.

There was a smirk on Rick’s lips, his eyes looking straight at the road. “What’s so fucking great about me anyway?”

“Huh, what,” Negan grinned, a dreamy look in his eyes. “So is that what you want?”

“I don’t want shit, I’m just asking a question.”

“You want me to toot your horn. Toot toot,” laughed Negan, Rick looked at him strangely, laughing along with whatever embarrassing thing that was. “You’re just so fucking… _you_ ” Negan’s tongue peaked from in between his lips, staring at Rick with a fascination that Rick didn’t think anyone was capable of having for him. “No apologies coming from you, no sir. You call me out on my bullshit like you just did right now. You’re right that was a shitty thing I did but I don’t regret it, either. Not that it should come to you as a surprise.”

“Oh c’mon.”

“C’mon, what?”

“Never mind.”

“I know I talk my ass off but I can be a grade A listener too.”

“Well fine,” Rick hesitated but Negan was there with his best listening face ever, he had to cave in, “I just…I go about my life feeling close to invisible. Only my family sees me but other than that—“

“Well I fucking see you. I’m sure as hell not talking to a ghost right now. I’d be riding around in a ghost car too then. That’d be weird as fuck. I’d just be floating home. Heh. You see spongebob, there’s this episode where—“

Rick kept talking and for some weird reason Negan wasn’t all that annoyed that he was interrupted.

“Where I live, it’s such a small town and when people look, I know what they’re thinking. I’m a shadow walking around. I’m thankful, really, for everything. I’m happy, yeah.”

“Shit,” Negan rubbed his mouth then leaned against the door, “You don’t look it.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Now that I can’t deny. My place is right there, mhmm.”

Rick pulled up to the place. It was a townhouse, it looked cramped and like Negan didn’t have much of a yard. Outside the door he could see the silhouette of a cat, he wasn’t sure if it was a statue or not until it started moving, rubbing up against a dead plant that served more as an ashtray.

“Okay.”

“Hey uh, I don’t’ got my land legs quite yet. Give a buddy a hand huh,” asked Negan. Rick nodded and got out of the car.

The walk from the car to the house was a difficult one, the cat kept rubbing up against their legs that they both kept almost falling. Negan laughed, then looked down at the cat.

“It’s yours,” Rick asked, grabbing the keys from the other man and fumbling with them so they could go inside.

“Not sure but tripping people is his specialty. His name is numbnuts.”

“Numbnuts?”

“Term of endearment, like how I’ll start calling you shit-for-brains if you don’t get me on my couch soon enough.”

“Is it okay if he goes inside,” Rick had his hand on the doorknob and the cat was rubbing his face against the corner of the door.

“Yeah. Whatever. I don’t care. He likes to go into the backyard anyway.”

Right as they got in the cat tripped Rick when it zoomed into the house, he lost his footing pulling Negan along with him inside, he ended up with his back against the wall, and the other man leaning close to him, his hands on his shoulders. 

“Woops,” Negan sputtered, he rubbed Rick’s shoulders and licked his lips. All of a sudden he realized just how much taller Negan was. How smoldering he could be when he wasn’t trying to put on a show, he looked like he’d fit in perfectly into some other era, certainly not this one but that was the appealing thing about him. Rick had thought he’d seen every kind of person until he came across him.

The moonlight coming from the windows certainly didn’t help things. It shut them both up, Negan’s eyes on him, Rick was feeling trapped and uncomfortable, the tension thick. The moment lingering, not breaking soon enough.

Rick’s hand reached outwards, his palm feeling up the wall for anything, luckily finding the light-switch, and flipping it on.

 

The place was in total disarray, clothes were thrown on the floor and on the couch. Take-out food containers were here and there and the kitchen sink was full of dirty dishes. Negan didn’t look like he was doing so well. He flinched at the light, shielding his eyes as he went through he pockets, pulling out a pair of sunglasses and putting them on.

“For fucks sake,” Negan moved away from Rick, leaving the space in front of him empty.

Finally Rick caught his breath, staying still feeling the room go cold.

“Dim the god damned lights. Just turn the fucking dial if you’re gonna go.”

Rick nodded and carefully turned the dial, getting the lighting just right. When Rick turned to look at Negan he saw him sunk into his couch, arms stretched out, legs on his coffee coffee table. He kicked off one boot then had difficulty with kicking off the other, he tried to pull it off with his hands but kept struggling.

With a smile on his lips, Rick lingered near the doorway. He didn’t really want to leave. Not yet. Especially when he drove all the way over here.

“So you hiding something from me,” Rick crossed his arms. Negan let his glasses fall down his nose enough to raise his eyes to Rick’s.

“Huh?”

“Are you a vampire?”

“I don’t know,” Negan devilishly smiled, “Come over here and see if I bite.”

“Let me help you with that,” Rick grabbed Negan’s other boot and pulled it off successfully. “Are you okay with sleeping on the couch?”

“Is there anywhere else to sleep,” Negan shrugged, Rick didn’t give his words much thought. Negan had already started shimmying out his clothes, letting his jacket drop to the floor and he was undoing his belt, pulling it out of the loops as Rick grabbed a pillow and pointed at it.

“That’s where your head goes.”

“I’m not stupid. I know.”

Rick found a blanket slung over the arm rest of the couch and threw it in Negan’s direction. Negan let out a cursing moan, his eyes fixated on Rick standing closer to him, without any hesitation he reached out to him, both hands on his waist holding him still.

“Get off me,” Rick laughed, trying to pry open his grip. “How much did you drink?”

“Enough to know you’re getting me sick with all your fucking movement. Stay in one fucking place.” He pulled him down to the couch.

“I’m not staying here,” Rick got stiff, Negan’s hands probably should have gotten off of him by then but they didn’t. Something was off and with the way he was chuckling and getting closer, Rick had no other choice but for his back to fall onto the couch, Negan’s form crawling onto top of him.

“You want to stay, yeah?”

“I uh—“ Rick couldn’t come up with an answer fast enough, he felt trapped again but it wasn’t half bad. Not great, but not as awful as he would like it to be. Maybe it’d make things easier. He liked the attention he was getting even if it was a misunderstanding or something…possibly unwanted, he wasn’t so sure but—crap—Negan was breathing on his neck, and it was getting harder to think.

“You’re not happy. I know I’m fucking miserable…so let’s do something about it, huh?” The words were working on him like magic and Rick wasn’t sure if it was what he was saying that had him staying still underneath him, or the fact his weight was really pressing on his own form pinning him. Rick let out a small gasp as Negan consumed him, planting kisses along his jawline, his knee rubbing against his crotch.

“Hey.” He held his eyes tight and lifted his arms, placing them on Negan’s shoulders, gently pushing him off.

“Hmm,” Negan’s voice vibrated against him, his low tone, sending Rick almost trembling.

“I can’t. I-I won’t. This isn’t—I’m not—“

“What,” Negan murmured, “You like this right?” He had somehow already unzipped Rick’s jeans, his hand now cupping his cock through his boxers. “I know how to drive stick,” for the first time in his life sounding almost charming. Rick shouldn’t have smiled because it urged him on, his eyes twinkling. “I got one of my own,” Negan laughed, sitting up enough to cup himself. “Just wait til I get my snake free, baby.”

The charm ended just as quickly as it began, and reality had its way of really setting in. Rick had slid out from underneath him and was standing with hands up. “I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I’m straight.”

“Straight. What? But you—“ Negan looked confused as all hell and the booze was at least numbing him from the overwhelming, soul crushing embarrassment he’d feel later. Even Rick was feeling sick himself and he hadn’t even drank.

This was one hell of an unfortunate misunderstanding.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long. Hopefully I can post the next chapter faster than I did this time. A lot of life stuff came up but here I am finally delivering the goods. Thanks for the reviews and the kudos. Sorry for any typos I might have missed.

“He’s good to me, yeah,” Sherry had a cigarette hanging loosely between her lips, as she stroked a match against the brick wall. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what,” Negan took a drink out of his beer, and shrugged, sauntering close to her. She was uncomfortable, her posture stiffened.

“Like you’re having a hard time believing me.”

“Who cares what I say?”

“I do. What if word will go round,” her eyes grew large, Negan just snickered.

“Why do you think I talk? There’s nothing to talk about if nothing happens.”

“Nothing’s gonna happen,” she blew out a cloud of smoke and crossed her arms.

“You cold there,” he was even closer, she should have been scared but she laughed instead, looking away.

“I see you. I see where you’re looking. Dwight should knock your teeth out.”

“Hmm,” Negan’s free hand started stroking up and down her arm, feeling her soft skin, feeling the texture of the goosebumps that came with the chill from standing outside underneath the moonlight.

“Why doesn’t he keep an eye on you?”

“You saw him fixing the sink.”

Negan snorted remembering the sight before him. Aaron using the sink, the sink making a low rumbling noise then sending a burst a water at him and everywhere else there with him. Eric bursting out into laughter.

“I always wanted to see you in a wet t shirt, never thought it’d happen like this!” He jeered, Aaron looking embarrassed at his clothing situation.

This was about a normal a life Negan could imagine. Picturesque, kinda. They were sweet. Negan wasn’t one to notice those kinds of things.   And of course Dwight had to come to the rescue, everyone in awe of how he was capable of almost anything. The car dealership’s rising star hot at Negan’s heels.

“He’s handy. He fixes things around the house. Our living situation isn’t so great, If he hasn’t already said,” she lowered her melancholy gaze. “There’s always things breaking, and he’s always fixing them.”

“I know, he saved the day didn’t he?”

“When we get home I’m gonna sleep in his arms, Negan. Maybe have sex, I don’t know. Nothing you’re going to say is going to stop that.”

“I don’t get you, Sherry. Fan fucking fantastic, I don’t care. What are you doing getting me worked up for then?”

“You’re doing all the pursuing, don’t think you’re not obvious.”

“I’m not trying to be subtle here, honey.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“Is it because _he_ calls you that,” his hands were on her waist now but she wasn’t moving. Their eyes locked and she pursed her lips.

“What do you have against him,” she took Negan’s bottle and started guzzling it, then wiping her mouth. “Or you don’t have anything against him at all? You just want something that isn’t yours.”

Negan’s expression changed, his hands weren’t off her but the distance grew, he seemed less playful.

Her eyes were dark studying him, pleased with herself that she hit a nerve.

“And your little problem there,” he pointed at her drink, “I saw you sneaking sips here and there when he wasn’t looking, just like you were sneaking glances at me.”

“You appeal to a side of me, I’ll admit that,” she said defiantly, then smirked. “I had a run with a couple bad boys in my day. Dwight was always off to the side picking up the pieces before me and him were even official.”

“Well I’m always ready for a challenge. Believe me what I’ve got will have you not walking for days.”

“Maybe. But I don’t love you, you’ll always have that hanging over your head. One conquest here, another there, I’m not special,” she peeled his hands off of her, moving out from underneath his shadow. “It’ll grow old quick and how old are you anyway… 50?” She tilted her head sideways and squinted.

He could have corrected her, he was 43 going on 44 in a month but what did those years matter anyway?

There he was turned down again. He must have lost something somewhere along the line and it just hurt differently with the way Rick was looking at him now.

In the midst of this shitty situation, Negan’s inebriated brain still made an effort to come out on top. He couldn’t admit he fucked up, again. Not even to himself.

“I know its looks one way but it’s not.”

Now that was complete horseshit. Rick looked baffled, his eyes grew even wider, which surprisingly was possible.

“It’s okay,” Rick tried to say as calmly as he could but his voice still trembled. And he was trying to smile, he was honest to god trying to brush it off like it was totally cool.

It _so_ wasn’t cool. Not to Negan. No way.

“If you’re straight. Then I’m straight,” Negan raised his brow, running his hand through his hair. With Rick closer and sitting back on the sofa a safe distance away from him he could see just how red he was, it was endearing but he couldn’t really appreciate that, not now.

“Don’t think it works that way.”

“Oh c’mon look at me.”

“I’m looking but I don’t think—“

“Do I look gay?” Negan let those words sink in, cringing as he swallowed his spit, that was probably the most ignorant thing he’d ever heard himself say and he’s said some awful things.

“Your hand was on my dick.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“It was and it looked like you liked it,” Rick licked his lips, Negan’s eyes meeting with his before he quickly broke away in embarrassment.

“I was just acting out shit like I thought you would have wanted. So you weren’t lying then, huh?”

“Lying about what?”

“This whole time—stupid—I thought you chose…. _me_. Then you backtracked to save face when I said I didn’t like you that way. Oh fuckity fuck god damned fuck.”

“Oh,” Rick nodded, looking down at his hands. “Well—“

“Well fucking what, Rick,” Negan looked defeated, and Rick felt guilty although he knew he shouldn’t.

“It’s okay if you like men.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“I mean really its fine.”

“I sure as hell know its fine. But what isn’t fine is me climbing on top of you like some sex starved teenager.”

“Uh, sex starved?” Rick cocked an eyebrow, Negan shrugged. “Is that what you were going for?”

“I was being about as clear as day.”

“Oh,” Rick rested his hands on his knees, that deer in headlights look returning.

“If I would have had my way your pants would have been thrown half way across the room and you’d be butt naked and on your stomach—“ He got carried away, he stopped himself right there, realizing he was letting his mouth run off before his head could even catch up. “Today has been a bad fucking day like sad as all fucking hell. I feel like I’m living out some sad as hell movie and some part of me knows I fucking deserve it. I am living breathing shit.”

That was probably the darkest Rick had ever heard him talk. He wasn’t sure how to handle the fact that Negan thought he could save his day, it felt like a lot all at once. But he’d be a liar if he said he wasn’t flattered.

“Well shit.”

“Yeah shit. Shit on a mother fucking stick. I feel bad as all hell.”

“I feel bad too.”

“Nah,” Negan lunged out at him again, Rick flinched. He was relieved when he realized Negan was bringing him in for a hug. Not that that wasn’t weird either but substantially better than being butt naked and on his stomach—Rick licked his lips, staying still until he hugged him back, giving him a reassuring pat, about as platonic a gesture could get.  “I’m really—“ Negan was super close, Rick could feel his breath on his skin. “I’m so drunk, man.”

Rick didn’t even ask if he wanted him to stay he just did.

It shouldn’t have been so surprising that Rick was such an accommodating guy. He was already working on making him a cup of coffee using the new coffee maker that was still in the box. The older one had mold in the filter and an ant colony in the water reservoir, he just never got around to throwing it away.

Negan watched him working around the kitchen like he owned the place. He couldn’t help thinking if this would have been the same thing he would have seen in the morning if they had lived out the fantasy he’d been mulling over halfway through his drinking binge.

“Where’s your bathroom,” Rick asked, the room smelling like coffee grounds as it started brewing. Negan deeply inhaled and sighed.

“Get the fuck on out of here. You’re overstaying your welcome,” he smirked, falling back onto the cushions, crossing his stretched legs.

“I gotta piss.”

“I’m not fucking with you.”

“I’ll find it myself.”

There was a motion activated hall light that lit up startling him. Lucky for him the first door on the right was the bathroom. He went inside, closing and locking the door behind him. He lifted the toilet lid up and pulled himself out. It took a while to relax, to find the mindset to piss. Maybe he was a little on edge but eventually the stream came out strong and steady.

If it wasn’t already obvious already that Negan was a bachelor, it was now. To the side of the toilet was a 24 pack of toilet papers, already a couple rolls in. On the other side were magazines haphazardly thrown, some playboys, sports illustrated…men’s fitness. Rick shook himself off and zipped up his pants. Curiously he picked up the men’s fitness magazine. With new eyes he could suddenly see what appeal those magazines had to Negan. It was opened on a page with a man flexing his muscles, his shirt off, his body glistening from sweat. Rick blushed profusely and dropped the magazine.

He got out and saw at the end of the hall was a door open a crack, a light coming in from inside the room. Taking one careful step in front of the other, he opened the door and heard a voice behind him.

“What’re you doing there buddy?”

“You following me,” Rick smirked, turning slightly to see Negan leaning against the wall, his arms crossed, a smug look on his face.

“Yes. I wanted to a sneak a peek at your dick. Sorry princess, the world doesn’t revolve around you. I need to piss too. Feel free to look around, I don’t give a fuck.” With the door open he sauntered over to the toilet, Rick hearing him grunt and unzipping his pants, singing some opera song as he pissed. Rick chuckled pushing the door open to the mystery room.

It looked like it should have been the master bedroom, right smack in the middle was a ping pong table taking up most of the space.

“So you weren’t shitting me when you said you like ping pong.”

“No. I don’t bullshit in the name of pong,” he pouted his lips following Rick inside, “I feel a little let down you didn’t sneak a peek at me back there. I had the door open and everything.”

“Didn’t think you wanted me to look, I thought that was all about showing off your vocal cords.”

 “Mhmm,” Negan laughed low, leaning against the table as he watched Rick. “You impressed?”

“Don’t quit your day job.”

“Mean.” He got out a tub from underneath the table and grabbed a handful of ping pong balls and threw them in Rick’s direction.

Rick shielded himself with the paddle, successfully smacking one of the balls in Negan’s direction. “I think I can get the hang of this.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Why don’t you play tennis instead?”

“Because they don’t let me get drunk there and I look really, really and I fucking stress, really bad in those shorts. I feel like a goddamned mailman.”

“You looked okay to me in that picture where you’re coaching those kids. Nice calves you had there,” Rick giggled.

Negan looked at him adoringly, trying to tell himself they weren’t flirting. “That pretty mouth of yours needs to stop yapping.”

“I think I get why you like this game so much,” Rick just couldn’t stop himself now, he was such a tease and it was giving Negan such a hard time. “You like balls flying at your face.”

“Did you get beat up much in high school?”

“No,” Rick smirked confidentially.

“Right. Looks like I got some work to do,” Negan grinned, rubbing his chin.

\--------

Like water under the bridge, right?

Rick was looking at himself in the mirror. He got out of work and had some plans with Jessie. After a shower he was getting dressed, Carl on the bed, Judy on the floor playing with her toes instead of her toys. His eyes kept looking at his dresser where his phone was, he’d pick it up, thumb through it, then put it back down.

No texts from Negan. Three days already and nothing. Rick wasn’t about to text him back either though, the whole thing was hard to look past even if they had fun later that night. A lot of fun.

He sighed one long sigh, Carl was already looking up at him from his phone.

“Really, dad? A tie?”

Rick turned, his eyes wide as he was adjusting it, “We’re going to a nice place.”

“You look so uncomfortable,” Carl pursed his lips.  “Take it off, unbutton the first button so you can actually…breathe.”

He didn’t want to give in but Carl was right so he did as he said. He had weaty palms, his heart was racing like he was running a marathon, even his hair wasn’t cooperating. He needed to get a haircut already, his strands were long enough to be forming curls at the edges no matter how many times he combed it back.

“I look like crap.”

“No,” his son reassured him. “You don’t.”

This was a new level of sad. Rick was falling apart underneath all this pressure. This was only his third date with Jessie and while they hadn’t exactly consummated their thing, he had made out with her, groped her a bit and almost fingered her in the car before pussying out.

That last bit was quoting Negan’s words actually.

“Guess what,” Carl said, his eyes bright, looking for his father’s attentive gaze through the mirror. “It’s about Negan.”

He didn’t think that name would pop out of Carl’s mouth given his reaction to their friendship last time.

“What,” Rick said uneasily.

“He used to be a gym coach at the school one of my friends used to go to. He was a real asshole and kind of weird. The kids used to go to his place and play ping pong and smoke there. He got fired but it wasn’t cause of that.”

Rick’s heart went still, he licked his lips trying his best not to seem so curious, “He got fired?”

“Yeah it came out he was sleeping with one of the kid’s mom’s. They’d get together at PTA meetings and a security guard caught them doing it in the supply room near the chemistry lab.”

“Is this what you kids talk about?” Rick was completely shocked, Carl just shrugged.

“Word gets round. He’s pretty infamous over there, she was a hot mom. A Stacy’s mom kind of mom.”

“What?”

“She was married and he was married too, then his wife got cancer…”

Rick swallowed his spit and gestured for Carl to stop, “I don’t need to know anymore.”

“He sounds pretty pathetic,” Carl stated so matter of fact.

“Don’t say that, Carl. You’re just getting one side of the story there.”

“Cussing like a sailor, sleeping with a married lady, getting himself fired. You’d never do stuff like that.”

“I know but—“

“An old guy hanging out with teenage boys is weird, dad.” 

“It’s not like that,” Rick chuckled.

“Some of the boys still hang out with him now and the ping pong table is in his bedroom.”

“Shit. That does look bad,” he mouth fell agape and Carl burst into laughter.

If only Carl knew he’d seen that room already. He’d probably curse him out too.

\----

 

Jessie got there half an hour late, Rick had been contemplating leaving already, just staring at a cold bowl of soup most of the time. She didn’t answer his texts or his calls but when she arrived to the table her hair was in a messy bun, her makeup and clothes haphazardly thrown together. Rick stood up immediately to pull the chair for her but she nodded side to side, motioning him to sit back down.

“I’m so sorry,” she brushed her blonde hair behind her ears. “I really meant to get here on time.”

“Is everything alright?”

She stopped all her fidgeting, giving Rick a look that made him knew what was coming next. “No. Rick. It isn’t.” Jessie was really sweet and full of life, she made Rick feel so old whenever he was around her but it was in a good kind of way. She brought out things in him he didn’t know he had and he’d catch himself dreaming of the life they could have together if all the pieces fit in right. “Things happen. My kids are going through a lot trying to adjust and my ex-husband is in rehab again and…” she swallowed, her hand reaching out and holding Rick’s, “This isn’t going to work.”

“I—I’m sorry but what—“ Rick needed a better explanation than that, maybe he was being selfish but he was under the impression he made her life a little easier. Yet here she was talking like he was another burden.

“I know,” she dropped her gaze and was blinking rapidly, the gears turning in her head. Rick really meant to be angrier but she looked genuinely sorry. “You’re so good to me and maybe if things weren’t so…complicated… I’m really doing you a favor not bringing you into all of this.”

“Are you in danger? I know some people who could help—“

“No Rick,” she smiled warmly. “I just came from picking up Ron at the police station. He got mixed up with the wrong kind of boys and he was caught trying to steal beer from a gas station.” She wiped a lone tear from her eye, letting out a long sigh. “He didn’t ask for this.”

“Neither did you,” Rick sat back in his chair, grabbing the cloth napkin from his lap and placing it on the table.

“I know,” she nodded. “I could go and save you the hassle of buying me dinner.” Again there was that sad smile, her eyes dimly lit like she’d cried on the way over there.

“Do you need to go home now? Or are you going to at least give yourself this,” Rick smiled, a little bit of Negan shining through him as his thumb stroked her palm.

“I can stay. Just a little while,” Jessie giggled, her cheeks growing red.

A couple of glasses of wine later and they were kissing in the back of Rick’s car. His hands moved up her thighs and under her skirt, she grasped at his back as he got on top of her. It was uncomfortable but not all bad, Rick actually liked messing around like he was some teenager and with the knowledge she wasn’t coming back it gave him a sense of freedom to take a risk.

“That okay,” Rick smiled, his hand stroking in between her legs.

She licked her lips, and shut her eyes, nodding enthusiastically.  “Inside,” she commanded him, grabbing at his belt and undoing it. “I need you inside me.”

Rick was more than happy to oblige.

\-----------

Still nothing. Rick stood in line at a supermarket, hearing the cashier ding one item after another. It was echoing in his head. Any other time he would have texted Negan by now, told him about his exciting story, about how he helped him learn to be confident at least this once. But each time he thought about it, he realized it sounded stupid and sappy and a million other adjectives Negan would gladly choose just to beat him up about it.

Boring old Rick Grimes.

Finally boring old Rick Grimes lived for once.

God he still wanted to tell him. He didn’t realize how much he needed his reinforcement until then.

When the groceries were paid for and bagged, Rick went to his car pushing his cart. He popped open the trunk and started throwing his stuff in. There was something in the way keeping him from putting in a 12 pack of sodas so he tried to unwedge it, eventually pulling it out just to see it was a small carrying case. He recognized it almost immediately and unzipped it, pulling out a camcorder.

Due to being in such a bad place, it looked like it had seen better days. The lcd screen was broken when he tried to turn it on, it glitched then turned off.

“Oh shit,” he tapped on it a couple of times but nothing happened. When he moved he nearly turned the place inside out trying to find the damn thing and now that he found it, it was broken.

Well, it looked like he had to add one more thing to his to-do list.

\-------

“What we’re about to do is weird.”

“It’s not weird I’m just…I’m concerned,” Carl threw his books in his backpack, the school bell had just rung and everyone was running out the door. The girl who was talking to him had a very concerned look on her face, it made his blood run cold. “I need you to come with me Enid. You’re good at sneaking around.”

“I’m not gonna help you lock up a guy you think is a pedophile,” she stated clearly, the teacher at the front of the room stared at them briefly but Carl grabbed Enid by the hand and pulled her out of the classroom.

“I don’t want my dad getting mixed up with that. Anyway if I find out anything and bring concrete proof, my dad is a cop, he can lock him up. And that’s it.”

“From what you’re telling me it sounds like you’re angry someone is taking away dad time from you.”

“He doesn’t hang out with me anymore and it’s not just cause of this guy. My dad has a life.”

“Okay or maybe you can just tell him how you feel.”

“I’m not some little kid anymore. I don’t need my dad there all the time. So are you coming or not?”

Enid looked deep into Carl’s eyes, letting out a groan, “If I say yes will you stop holding my hand?”

Carl looked at their hands, his face turning a dark red, letting go almost immediately. “Oh yeah, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she smirked, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Carl was holding out his phone as him and Enid skateboarded down the street.

“We’re supposed to take a right here,” Carl pointed, Enid nodded and went ahead of him. Sure enough at the end of the street there was a black Camaro parked in front of a townhouse. A black and white cat was cleaning itself right on top of it. The car had a new windshield with the tape still on. Bicycles were on the lawn meaning that the festivities had already begun.

Carl got off his skateboard, ready to knock on the door. Suddenly he was surprised to see Enid was standing behind him.

“What,” she frowned.

“No girls are allowed.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah seriously.”

“Ew. Get this perv.”

"Stick around the area okay."

"Okay." She punched his shoulder and made herself scarce.

As soon as she left nerves started to get the best of him. Carl swallowed his spit and rang the doorbell. He heard someone approaching the door, his tall shadow on the frosted glass on the front door growing larger.

The door opened and there was Negan. Jet black hair slicked back tight, white t shirt, broad shoulders and a shit eating smirk. He over looked Carl, pursing his lips and frowning. “Who the fuck are you? You selling cookies? You got long hair like a girl scout so it’s easy to assume you got cookies. So kid, you got cookies?”

“No,” Carl spat out, frowning at him.

“Get off of my lawn then shrimp.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Are you special or something? What are you doing still standing there?” Negan put his hands on his hips, then realized what he was saying, “Oh shit. If you are special forget all that awful shit I said earlier, I’m not that much of an asshole—“

“No I’m not special. I just—“

From behind Negan Carl could see his friend that he got all the info from.

“Hey Ron,” Carl called out to him.

“Carl? Hey,” he had a beer in his hands, which Negan snatched from him promptly.

“That drink for me you little turd?” He turned to Carl, cocking an eyebrow, “You look too good to hang out with this nose-bleed.”

“Hey,” Ron objected, “I told Carl about you. How you’re cool.”

“Cool,” Negan grinned, looking at Carl again, “You hear this kid? I’m cool. Shit. I know I’m cool, I don’t need validation from a bunch of kids whose balls just dropped.”

The way he spoke, the very words he used, they were all so crude and cringeworthy. Carl had a bad taste in his throat.

“He won’t tattle or anything, Carl is cool too,” Ron attempted to sway Negan, at this point Negan was just playing but the kid wasn't catching on. Negan smirked and nodded.

“Well alrighty then, Carl. Come on in. Mi casa es su casa. That is until you get to the fridge,” he put his arm around Carl's shoulder leading him inside. Carl gave one final glance outside to see Enid sneaking past the bushes and into the backyard. “All the kids drink cokes, you see the cooler there, that’s for you and the other boys.”

“Other boys,” Carl looked at the cooler, then at the back room. He could hear the stereo playing and other kids talking.

“Don’t touch my booze like this fucker. I swear. I don’t want to get locked up for keeping these trouble-makers off the streets.” He popped the cap off his beer on the kitchen counter, looking pleased with himself at how badass he must have looked, then took a huge swig. “You do play ping pong right? Or at least have some fucking general knowledge of it?”

“It’s like…tiny tennis right,” Carl squinted his eyes, Negan groaned loudly.

“Tiny tennis? What the fuck? Yeah I guess? Whatever. You just smack the fucking ball, make sure it bounces on the table before the other person misses it. These boys have some experience but I’m the alpha here.”

“What are you like…50,” Carl grunted. “Why are you playing with kids?”

“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, you say that now but wait until you see your competition before shit talking me.”

“God Carl why do you have to be such a shit,” Ron leaned in towards his ear as Negan walked ahead of them. “If I remember right, I didn’t invite you here.”

“The second you gave me the address it was fair game,” Carl mumbled, “Anyway, I didn’t do your homework for nothing.”

“What are you like obsessed with this guy or something?”

“No are you,” Carl smirked and walked ahead of Ron. Ron scoffed and caught up to them.

The room was a tight squeeze but there was enough space to stand at the sidelines to see the two kids battle it out, cursing freely. If anything it seemed pretty liberating. Rick had a strict no curse zone at home. After a while Carl felt himself wanting to participate the longer he saw how fun it was. At this point it was Ron going against the boy who won the last round. Beside him Negan would cheer them on, but he kept checking his phone. Carl didn’t hear a buzz, he was a little curious why he was so obsessed with looking at it. He was just like his dad.

“Fuck yeah I won,” Ron exclaimed with both of his fists in the air, the other kid moaned and threw his paddle down. “You couldn’t ask out Suzy and now you can win a fucking game.” He shouted.

“Hey shut up.”

Negan laughed, “Suzy huh? She that one you’ve been pining for since 7th grade? That sucks.” He rubbed Carl’s shoulder, then shoved him forward. “You’re up next kiddo.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You made it sound easy with your tiny tennis bullshit.”

“I don’t play tennis.”

“Well, then this should be easier.”

When Carl got into position, he noticed everyone’s eyes were on him, one pair in particular surprised him. It was Enid at the window, she pointed at her watch then ran off. Carl’s eyes grew wide.

“I uh. I gotta go,” Carl walked right out.

Confused and a little bit let down, Negan followed right after him, grabbing him by the wrist. “Shit do you have the sweats or something kid? Ron really has it out for everyone, yeah? Why don’t you show him what’s what?”

“Is that supposed to be a pep talk,” Carl laughed.

“It’s fucking Lord of the Flies with us and it’s the same shit out there,” said Negan. “Not gonna make it until you make the world your bitch. Anyway it looked to me like you were having fun.”

“I’m good.”

“Well if it wasn’t for the fun and games, what brought you here then,” Negan somehow grew taller, his eyes darker, it was intimating. Carl was almost on the verge of telling the truth but held himself back.

“I’ll be back next time. It’s just dad is strict and—“

“Oh say no more,” Negan shrugged. “Don’t want to be stepping on anyone’s toes.”

And with that Carl left. He was a little bit out of his element, his mind blank. Negan was everything he expected and everything he didn't at the same time. He certainly wasn’t a perv at least. After grabbing his skateboard and getting on it, he reached the end of the street where Enid was standing.

“He’s weird but he’s not a pedophile,” Enid stated plainly. “I broke in and looked through his shit. Pretty boring if you ask me. He’s got a lot of porn though, no kiddie stuff just women and men.”

“Yeah, I still don’t like him,” Carl tucked his hands into his pockets, “He’s got nothing in common with dad. I don’t get why they talk.”

Enid shrugged. “Stuff doesn’t always have to make sense.”

“Hey you said women and men. You mean like them together?”

“No like the straight stuff and the gay stuff. Why?”

Carl’s eyes grew wide. “Oh crap.”

\----------

So Negan had a little bit of a problem. Well, actually it was a pretty big one. He kept lingering near his boss’ office, and eventually he was pacing right in front of the doorway in the hopes Aaron would invite him in.

Aaron was busy with some paperwork, so he wasn’t looking up anytime soon. Negan decided he was going to have to announce himself so he did.

“Holy hell it is cold in here. My nipples are icicles.”

“Excuse me,” Aaron looked up, cringing by Negan’s crassness. He’d think by now he was used to it but apparently he still wasn’t.

“Uh it’s cold.”

“Yeah I got that,” laughed Aaron. “Is that it?”

“Yeah well—“

“No?”

“No. I have a couple of questions for you.”

“Work related or—“

“I’m almost certain now that I’m bi.”

“Oh. _Oh_ ,” Aaron nodded, unsure how to respond. “Is that affecting your performance?”

“In bed? No way! If anything since I figured it out it’s been non stop. It’s solo stuff though, I’m worried I’ll get carpal tunnel—“

“Negan no. Just come in. Shut the door behind you.”

“Alrighty,” Negan sauntered in, closing the door.

“I know I go out of my way to make sure you guys feel comfortable and I know if you’re coming to me about this it's that you’re under the impression that we’re friends. And we are. But this is too personal.”

“Yeah,” Negan seemed confused and that seemed to baffle Aaron.

“Uh. Yeah,” he said pointedly, “Why did you think you could come to me about this?”

“Well,” Negan rubbed his chin, laughing to himself, “You’re the friendly neighborhood gay.”

Was that supposed to be a compliment? Judging by the way Negan said it so happily, Aaron supposed it was.

“We can talk about it later. Not here. At least offer to buy me some dinner or something.”

Negan smiled enthusiastically, “Italian?”

“Okay, Italian it is,” Aaron smiled warmly, “Now get out. Out. Out.”

Dinner was a couple hours away since Aaron was doing some overtime to crunch the numbers so that gave Negan some time to do whatever he wanted before picking him up. He was staring down at a notepad full of questions. He knew perfectly well he was one google search away from figuring shit out but something was nice about having a face to face conversation with a guy Negan could confidently say had his stuff together.

He tapped his pen on the pad a couple of times before bringing it to his mouth, anxiously biting at the end. It was almost like puberty all over again, being forced to watch a video that didn’t explain everything and being forced to figure it out on his own. Maybe it should come to him easily but that wasn’t the only thing bugging him.

That god damned fucking laptop. Negan was sick of surfing the net for videos on his phone and magazines were okay but not enough.

“Please for the love of Christ tell me you can fix this god forsaken thing,” Negan handed his laptop over to the technician.

The guy let out a long sigh and raised his eyes up to Negan’s, acting like it was the most laborious thing to do in the world.  “Let me take a look,” he started trying to assess the damage, grabbing the power cord and plugging it in.

“Okay it is like your job,” Negan grumbled, his eyes getting distracted with more interesting things. Fuck, anything was more interesting. He was at a big chain electronics store and the wall was covered in big screen tvs. At some point he’d have to upgrade his, so he was busy scanning them when he saw Rick walking to the pick-up station to the right of him.

“You were out of charge.”

“Yeah but the screen broke look at it. Push the fucking power button and you’ll see. It’s not that hard, an infant with shit on their hands could do a better job.”

“Alright sir,” he muttered, a glazed over look in his eyes.

Negan looked back at Rick again. Rick turned, his eyes wide as soon as he saw Negan. A few seconds passed and it was feeling awkward with neither saying a thing. Negan was frozen, he swallowed his spit and waved.

“Hey uh—hey Rick.”

“Hi,” Rick’s cheeks were a light pink, he was completely bashful and Negan wanted to bridge the gap so desperately but he knew perfectly well he couldn’t do that.

_Mmm daddy oh fuck daddy._

_You want this huge cock back in you?_

_Yeah mm fuck yeah! Put it in now._

_Yeah baby you like that baby._

Negan’s eyes grew saucer sized, his blood went icy cold. The volume was all the way up coming from his laptop. Rick dropped his gaze, looking equally horrified.

“Yeah. Looks like the screen _is_ broken,” the technician picked up the laptop, showing it to Negan. The image was hard to see, the screen was cracked and flickering, the only part that was visible were two feet in the hair, toes curling. “At least we know what the problem is now. We can fix that.”

For the first time in a long time Negan was speechless, his face deathly pale. “Yeah okay.” The guy shut the computer down, the moans coming from the speakers finally stopping.

It didn’t matter who was looking at him right now, only Rick was on his mind and with their recent embarrassing encounter, it affected him so much worse. Any other time he’d laugh it off, no big deal a guys gotta get his rocks off right but—

Rick wasn’t there anymore.

“Did you see where that guy went? I was literally in the back digging out his camcorder and he just bails on me,” asked one of the workers.

The one working on Negan’s laptop just shrugged, “This guy knows him.”

“Dude paid at least but uh—you know him,” he asked Negan.

Negan still had that deer in headlights look, he willed himself to relax, still looking stiff in the process as he tried to laugh it off. “Huh that guy? Yeah I know him. I can take it to him.”

“Yeah? That’d be awesome.”

He didn’t want to run out, he didn’t want to look so obvious about it but he walked as quickly as he could to catch up to Rick.

_Who just runs off like that? It wasn’t that bad, right? What problem did he have with him?_

Spotting Rick wasn’t that hard, he got into his car and the god damned dope actually had a baby on board sticker on his back window. He took the fuck off and like that Negan grumbled and walked to his car.

Rick pulled to a stop at the park, his heart racing. He was surprised he freaked out so bad. He covered his face, and rested his head on the steering wheel. “Get yourself together. Wow,” he mumbled. “It’s just Negan.”

Damn right it was just Negan.

That night was a good night. A great night. Water under the bridge, he said.

They had let the coffee go cold, drank some poison instead and played ping pong. Rick lost. He had his ass handed to him by an even drunker man. They joked, they talked, they even sang loudly to Queen like a couple of idiots. Rick could still feel the vibration coming from the neighbor cursing them out and banging against the wall.

There was a moment between them, they were sitting on the floor, drinks in their hands and they were just looking at one another. It was one or two in the morning. Like one of their conversations but face to face. The distance wasn't such a barrier anymore. Rick bit his lip thinking about it, Negan’s eyes were so dark, so warm and inviting but frightening all the same. He could feel himself getting sick, his stomach churning, in a good way though, like butterflies, like the day he first found out Lori wanted him back. Like the day she said yes to his proposal. Even like when he first found out Lori was pregnant with Carl and later with Judy.

Something so good, so daunting that Rick didn’t know what to say or know how to react. He froze. And Negan tried again.

His lips on his, but this time Rick didn’t tell him to stop, he let himself feel it. To feel what it was like to know someone wanted him bad enough to come up with some stupid plan to get them to meet. He should have still been angry but whatever he had now was somewhere back there, in the furthest part of his mind because Negan was there, it was nice and comforting and it didn’t seem to matter that he was a man.

Not hearing a no pushed Negan even further, cupping Rick’s face in his hands, pulling him closer. His tongue begging Rick to let the kiss go deeper and Rick wanted to, oh god, he _so_ wanted to but something stopped him.

“You’re so drunk,” Rick moved Negan’s hands away.

“Yeah I am,” Negan smirked.

“You’re not gonna remember are you,” sighed Rick.

“I’m gonna try, real hard,” Negan’s head swayed, he dropped it on Rick’s shoulder, nuzzling up against him. “I promise I’ll try.”

He passed out.

And at this point Rick could take it that he didn’t remember. He tried to not feel a thing but it fucking hurt so bad now. It was impossible to ignore.

\--------

The camcorder was like Pandora’s box, Negan kept driving with nowhere in sight. That device having an intense hold on him, curiosity nipping at him. He found himself driving home and taking a shower, the cold water pouring over his head. He opened his eyes, staring at his spread out hand flushed against the tile. He formed his hand into a fist and he cringed.

“Oh fuck it. I’m looking.”

He got out of the shower, with just a towel wrapped around his waist and sat down at the foot of his bed. His cellphone buzzed just as he was about to hold down the power button.

It was Aaron.

_I’m almost done. Where are you at? I can meet you instead. Eric will give me a ride._

Negan didn’t answer it. Instead he put his phone down and turned on the camcorder. In anticipation, his hand was rubbing up and down his thigh, then clutched at his knee. He was thinking things. Bad things.

There was a whole realm of possibilities of what was recorded on there but all he could think was of Rick stroking his cock, looking straight at the camera. Licking his pink lips, fucking his fist, fucking a girl, whatever. He ached for him mind numbingly, running head first into a wall bad. He never thought he could want someone so bad in his life, not since Lucille…

The video started playing.

So no freaky deaky? Negan should have been disappointed but he kept watching, the camera unsteady, not focused on anything in particular except the green grass.

“Hey come over here.”

Negan recognized Rick’s voice.

“Yeah dad. This thing is already recording,” said his kid.

Finally the camera moved into focus. A car was parked at the end of a sidewalk, Rick was excitedly standing next to it. He opened the door and Lori came out, cradling a baby in her arms. She started walking on her own but Rick put his arm around her.

“Lori just hold onto me,” he smiled.

Lori was a pretty little thing, Negan admitted to himself. She looked bashful, putting her hand over her face, a huge smile on her lips. “What did I say about the camera? Just focus on the baby,” she laughed.

“Why you look so beautiful,” Rick leaned in closer to her, kissing her ear. He whispered something to her low that the mic didn’t pick up, she turned pink and shoved him.

Negan rewound that scene and saw it again, trying to figure out what he said, his eyes just focusing on his lips, on that smile. He rewound it again. And again. And again. And after a while it became less about the words but about the gesture itself, he felt his eyes watering. It touched some part of him he couldn’t begin to understand. When it was too much he turned it off and put it down, wiping his eyes, his head hung low.

He was dressed more casual when he met up with Aaron, wearing a The Cramps hoodie and a black blazer. “Okay I have a shit ton of questions already,” he threw the notepad onto the table, Aaron jumping up in surprise.

“Oh, okay well let’s start then,” he smiled as Negan sat down.

Negan sighed and leaned backwards into his chair. There was some war waging inside of him and Aaron caught notice of this as soon as he saw him.

“Are you okay,” Aaron asked.

“Okay. No I’m not okay,” Negan fidgeted, sitting up with his elbows now on the table. “For the second time I felt embarrassed. I am not familiar with that emotion. I don’t have a wide range of emotions cause I am fucking dead inside but way back when, you know, when I still felt shit, I never had any shame. I am shameless. I am a shameless fuck.” He grabbed a bread stick and started chewing on it, then swallowed, putting the half eaten piece of bread back in the basket. Aaron looked disgusted at it for a brief moment. “I care what this guy thinks. This is more than what a person has or doesn’t have downstairs. I am fucking grief stricken here with what I’m about to say. So prepare yourself.”

“I’m ready for whatever, Negan. I’m sure it’s not half as bad as you think.”

“They serve wine here?”

“Of course. It’s an Italian restaurant have you ever been to an Italian restaurant that doesn’t have wine?”

“That’s true.”

“If you don’t want to talk about it we don’t need to.”

“I’m in love. I am butt fucking crazy in love and the horrible thing is he’s straight. As straight as a fucking, I don’t know, a pencil or some shit. I’m not great at metaphors right now because I am feeling so fucking much right now.”

“Straight? Oh, wow. We’ve all been there.”

“Not me,” Negan lunged forward, his look terrified and intense. The table shook and Aaron held onto it, head turning side to side to see if anyone noticed.

“Calm down. It’s okay.”

“This is scary as all hell. You know those fucking frightening Halloween costumes from the 1900s? They don’t got shit on this.”

“It’s okay,” Aaron struggled to reassure him but nothing was working.

“I’m in love. I don’t know what to do. Aaron, I need you to tell me what to do.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**I know what I’m going to say is going to be hard for you to process, that every fiber of your being is going to tell you to do otherwise, but you just have to grow up and accept that it isn’t going to happen. And yeah it’s going to hurt. You aren’t gonna die as a result of it and it’s good you know now that it’s going nowhere. You’re going to text him and you’re going to give him back that camcorder. And that’s it. The rest is up to him.**

Aaron's words stuck to him like superglue. 

_I’m here._ Negan texted.

He was standing outside the police departmentwaiting for Rick to answer. His phone buzzed.

 _Be right out._ Rick texted back.

The sky was dark, apparently another storm was coming in. He replayed the same scenario in his head over and over again. He’d be leaning against his hood, arms crossed, and posing, looking as nonchalant and badass as possible. Rick would come out and fall to his knees from missing out on this opportunity. Negan was his own man now. He moved on with his dignity intact and from this point on he was going to live his life like none of this mess happened. It was up to Rick if he wanted to stick around for the ride or back out proving himself to be some big tease.

What a fucking tease.

Negan fidgeted, growing frustrated as each moment passed. How the hell did Rick keep having the upper hand?

Suddenly there was thunder and then lightning. It didn’t take long before it started pouring. Negan gave up on this fantasy of his and got in his car, parking it in the handicapped space so Rick wouldn’t have to get wet. He was still decent enough to do that.

Through the glass door he could see Rick lingering, staring up at the clouds, then over at Negan. He was in his full officer’s get up.

“By fucking god. Oh fuck me,” Negan leaned forward, his chest accidentally bumping the horn, jumping up, scaring both him and Rick in the process. Rick cursed and pointed at him, Negan sat back, smiling widely.

Running out into the open, Rick put on his cowboy hat. A cowboy hat.

“Fuckity fuck fuck a god damned cowboy hat. Wow,” Negan mumbled to himself.

Rick banged on the window and snapped Negan back to reality as he pulled on the door handle.

“The doors,” screamed Rick.

“Oh right, hold on babe,” Negan unlocked the doors and Rick quickly got inside. He was looking at Negan confused, Negan was equally confused. “What?”

“Babe?”

“Oh,” Negan adjusted his chair and rolled his eyes, “I don’t know. I’m not even going to pretend to save my ass with you.”

Rick smiled. “You got the uh—“

“Yeah. Yeah. It’s over here in the back,” Negan reached to the back seat, his hand feeling around for the thing. He didn’t find it as easily as expected, so he crawled in between the seats, his ass sticking right up in the air.

Rick looked at him so exposed, unsure if he should laugh or be looking at his figure so intensely. He was pretty adorable when he thought no one was looking. His shirt was hiking up a bit as he squirmed in back, cursing under his breath, unbeknownst at the tiny bit of skin showing. He moved further back.

“Ah there’s the fucker. Must have fallen when I was doing some doughnuts in the parking lot last night,” he mumbled.

Oh god, Rick could see the elastic of his underwear and a little bit of his buttcrack. Rick stifled his laughter, covering his mouth.

“Doughnuts,” Rick asked, the words Negan said suddenly reaching the rational part of his brain.

“Yeah for fun. There. It’s all in one piece,” he sat back in his spot, watching Rick unzipping the carrying case and looking at the camcorder to see if it was damaged.

“C’mon you can trust me, buddy,” Negan awkwardly nudged him. Rick looked confused at him then sighed.

“It’s them I don’t trust. I know it was in good hands with you at least. Don’t really know what I was thinking.”

“My laptop started playing porn full blast, I don’t blame you for bailing. I’m pretty weird. I’m a weird guy,” the last part sounded much less confident than he intended, dangerously bordering pitiful actually.

“You’re probably more normal than you think,” Rick looked up at the sky, his mouth falling open. “I don’t think it’s gonna let up.”

“You think we’ll be in here for a while,” Negan looked a little hopeful, Rick couldn’t help but notice. He liked it though.

“I ah—I don’t mind or nothin’. Just doing paper work.”

“Locking up the bad guys.”

“Something like that,” Rick chuckled, rubbing his nose, then dropping his gaze bashfully.

The little things like that, they just killed Negan.

“Jesus, Rick,” Negan dropped his head, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I saw one of the videos and it was the closest god damned thing I’ve seen to being heaven. Your daughter. Lori. I didn’t see your son but—“

“You watched it?”

“Yeah,” he swallowed and nodded, “Curiosity killed the cat yeah? You’re probably not even going to talk to me again so I best say the truth right? “

“You’re parked in a handicapped spot right now. You told me about stealing my identity. I think I’m going to be okay with knowing you went through my videos. I won’t stop talking to you cause of that.”

“Okay but what about me forcing you to stay at my place, taking care of my sorry self?”

“We’re past it.” Rick fidgeted, staring down at his hands, rubbing the sweat on his palms off on his slacks.

“Look I need to stress that...,” Negan was staring at him with half lidded eyes, his voice soft for once as he continued talking. “I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m not that kind of guy. I’m just in a bad place—“

“Hey. Me too. That’s why we talk. Cause no one else gets us.”

“You’re right about that.”

Rick took off his hat and placed it on his lap, silent and thoughtful. He nodded, then turned to Negan. “Let’s press the rewind button then. Nothing happened.”

That was a naïve thing for Rick to say, especially now that Negan was reeled back in. It was cruel although Negan wasn’t about to say he wasn’t deserving. He wasn’t about to cut him off, not with the promise of friendship dangling in front of him. Better that than nothing at all. He’d worked those text messages and midnight conversations too easily into the routine of things that without them he was finding himself bored all over again.

“We should go out for a beer and a burger or something,” Negan smiled, his eyes glazing over.

Right as Rick was about to say yes his phone started vibrating. “Shit probably Shane asking me where I’ve been,” he looked at the display and was visibly upset. He answered quickly, “Hello.”

Negan tried not to be curious. He was playing a part he wasn’t used to playing, so he was gonna try his damn hardest to be a cool friend. Not needy, not nosy, without any more romantic inclination, he was gonna be a real… _bro_.

“Really? Yeah. I understand. Want me to pick him up or? Okay. I’ll be right there.”

He hung up, and moaned, putting his hand over his face.

“You okay,” Negan asked, appearing concerned.

“Carl. My son. He got himself into trouble. Got into a fight with some boy and now he’s in the office and I gotta talk to…”

“The principal?”

“Yeah. Right. You’d know about that.”

“I broke up a lot of fights. Hell, I’d help start some of them. Get that friendly competition going.”

Rick blinked, frustrated with Negan’s not so pacifist beliefs, “What is wrong with you?”

“It’s a natural part of growing up. It starts off with getting an embarrassing woody from looking at Minnie Mouse that you gotta hide from your classmates. Your voice changing, stuff getting hairy, your dick getting huge. Heh. You butt heads with another alpha kid and fight over some girl who doesn’t give the faintest shit about you and end up with a bloody nose but even bloodier knuckles. That part was badass. The funny part was the girl didn’t even matter, it was about ending up on top. And that right there is probably what your boy was doing. Asserting his manhood and that is fucking badass.”

“Are you done now,” Rick muttered, looking deadpan at Negan trying to catch his breath after his rousing speech. “I need to go.” He opened the door without giving much thought, the wind and the icy cold rain blew right in. Rick shut the door immediately, turning towards Negan. “Can you take me there?”

“Yeah. Why not? I don’t have any place else to go. You just gotta give me directions.”

Being back on a campus was surreal to say the least. They all more or less looked the same. Rick was walking with purpose, Negan trailing behind. His eyes wandering to look inside each of the classrooms. He never taught the kids shit. At least not stuff out of the books. One unfortunate time he was left in charge of a sex ed class, he didn’t want to relive that disaster so he impulsively pushed that to the back of his head.

Teachers seemed to operate like students. The door was left wide open to the teacher’s lounge. One bohemian looking teacher was standing next to the microwave, listlessly looking inside at her Tupperware container fully of some ungodly smelling leftovers going in circles. Negan cringed. All the teachers were separated into their groups. There were the social butterflies, the anti socials and of course the rejects.

Negan was used to the circle he’d be assigned to. It didn’t stop him from talking to people. But he wasn’t looking for acceptance from them anyway. The coolest crowd were always the kids. They seemed to get him best.

Before he knew it Rick was already down the hall in the principal’s office. He was talking to the secretary and Carl was seated right in front of her with his arms crossed, pouting.

“Hey,” Negan instantly recognized him, “So you’re…”

Carl’s eyes grew wide as soon as he saw Negan, he looked at Rick upset.

“What are you doing with him,” he hissed.

“Woah. Okay. What the hell,” Negan said with his hands up in the air, both the secretary and Rick were looking on in confusion.

“He uh--,” Rick shifted uncomfortably, “He gave me a ride.”

“Why couldn’t Shane?”

“Chill. I’m not stepping on your turf, kid. I was returning something to your dad, it was raining and he asked for a ride so naturally I can’t say no to him.”

Carl didn’t look like he believed him and Rick didn’t want to begin to explore the millions of things Carl could have been thinking were happening between them but he just stopped that speculation short.

“More importantly why did you fight that boy,” said Rick, jutting his chin, furrowing his brow.

Carl rolled his eyes and shrugged, “Cause he was asking for it.”

“Oh shit the balls on this boy,” Negan chuckled, then shut up as soon as Rick shot him daggers with his eyes.

“We’re talking about this when we get home,” Rick pointed at Carl.

At that very moment the principal opened the door, “Mr. Grimes?”

“Yeah that’s me,” Rick nodded.

“And this is,” she looked around Rick at Negan who was standing close to him.

“Him,” Rick laughed, “He’s no one.” She nodded and let Rick into the office, the door closing behind them.

“No one? Shit,” Negan complained under his breath, he sighed then sat down next to Carl, one seat in between them. It still wasn’t far enough. “So uh—“ Negan stretched out, looking at Carl with a smirk.

“You don’t get to talk to me,” Carl snarled.

“That was some nice investigative work you did there at my place.”

“It was a coincidence.”

“Not likely, kiddo. All the pieces are falling together huh?”

“You’re crazy.”

“Yeah? You’re surprised? You didn’t get the memo or some shit? Well guess what? Most kids don’t go around stalking their dad’s buddies for whatever reason.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Woah,” Negan jumped up, then burst out into laughter. The secretary glared at him and Negan just scoffed at her.

“I know what you want with my dad.”

“Okay. Clue me in on what, Sherlock?”

Suddenly Carl grew nervous trying to explain what he meant, “You’re probably obsessed with him. Texting him all the time.”

“Is that it?”

“You like girls and boys.”

“What?” Negan looked surprised, “You mean men and women I hope. I’m not some pedo or some shit.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know you. You could be.”

“Trust me I’m not. Have you been around teenage boys? Ew. Who the hell wants to be up in that shit? Gross. And teenage girls, between me and you, frighten the living hell out of me. They are just sitting there, and talking about god knows what, judging me. Gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

“Whatever.”

“So what you’re trying to say, at least going by the subtle clues you’re leaving me, is that I want to fuck your dad?”

Carl swallowed, then looked away, “Wow. Gross.”

“I’m not trying to fuck your dad.”

“Stop saying that.”

“I’m not gonna fuck your dad. Your dad will remain unfucked by me,” Negan was a little melancholy just saying it, he crossed his arms above his head, his eyes half lidded, “You heard what he said. I’m no one.”

Yet again Carl was confused, he noticed Negan’s pout and groaned, shaking his head side to side. “You are weird.”

“A-to-the-fuckin’-men, kid.”

There were a few seconds of silence, still tense, but silence with Negan was a blessing for a Carl. But he had to open his trap again.

“It was Ron wasn’t it?”

“So what if it was,” said Carl. Negan smirked.

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“Nothing. Just a little proud is all.”

“Wait…proud,” Carl narrowed his eyes and Negan just laughed.

“Yeah. He’s always giving the other boys shit. Pfft. Just cause his dad is an alcoholic? Whose dad wasn’t an alcoholic?”

“Not mine,” said Carl with the hint of a smile on his lips.

“Yeah your daddy is a good one.”

“Ew don’t say it like that.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know you say it all weird.”

Negan sat back into his chair, staring at nothing in particular. Fuck, he couldn’t even hide it from himself. So he changed the subject. “How’d it feel when you won?”

“I didn’t win,” Carl flipped his hair off his face to show his black eye. “They pulled us apart.”

“Trust me, you won. No one’s ever given it back to him, except for me. I’m at the tippy top of the food chain.”

“You’re making him sound like he’s a bully, he’s just annoying.”

“Yeah he is annoying.”

“Coming from an annoying person, he must be pretty bad,” Carl chuckled, Negan frowned but then laughed to.

“It was over a chick right?”

“What do you mean,” Carl suddenly grew bashful, and Negan’s smile grew wider.

“I’m right. He’s always talking about his girlfriend. I could smell his bullshit from a mile away though. She probably your girl right?”

“I don’t have a girl,” Carl looked away, “I have a friend.”

“Who happens to be a girl,” Negan moved closer, chuckling to himself.

“Shut up. Anyway he was lying, saying they made out…did other stuff. Stuff that just wasn’t true.”

“What a liar. That kid has zero game.”

“I know!”

Rick came out from the office, the tension had somehow been lifted. Both Negan and Carl were in deep conversation and Rick seemed to interrupt that. He could have asked, but at the moment he was too spent to even bother.

“One week suspension,” Rick said tiredly, Negan cringed.

“Woah. Overkill.”

“If you had your way they’d give him a trophy.”

“Yeah why not,” Negan joked. Rick rolled his eyes. “Where am I taking you next,” Negan played with his keys, a rubber ducky keychain dangling off of them. Rick saw it and laughed.

“I didn’t notice that.”

“What it’s cute,” Negan squeezed a honk out of it. Carl rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help laughing too.

Rick made a phone call to the police station. There wasn’t a whole lot left to do so they let Rick go home early. Negan tried not to listen, his eyes kept looking at the rearview window, back at Carl, his hair covering his eye. Rick hadn’t seen it yet and Negan hadn’t mentioned it. He wondered if it’ll make things even worse when they got back home.

“So this your place,” Negan smiled when he drove into the driveway. It was a nice little ranch-style house.

“Yeah,” Rick said with a half hearted smile, “Still living out of boxes.”

“Me too. Your house is a hell of a lot nicer.” The door slammed and Carl had already gotten out, swinging his heavy backpack onto his shoulder. “I don’t think he likes me.”

“He doesn’t like anyone right now,” Rick sighed. “Let me give you something for your time. I can take care of the gas since you took us here and there.”

“I’m okay,” Negan shook his head, but Rick was already digging through his wallet, pulling out a twenty.

“I insist,” Rick shoved it in his face. There was no fighting him so Negan snatched it from his hand.

“This isn’t gas money. This is beer money and we’re using it next time we go out.”

“I don’t care use it for whatever you want.”

“Well I want to use it on you.”

Rick stopped fidgeting in his chair, his car door wide open, one of his legs sticking out. His eyes locked with Negan’s, so warm and full of a million expectations he couldn’t see himself saying no to.

“Alright, then,” Rick said softly, his eyes briefly looking at Negan’s lips before licking his own.

\-----

The Grimes family were a cute little family, Negan still hadn’t had the honor of meeting Judith but they were always on his mind now. Rick loved talking about them, telling him all the stories of Carl when he was first growing up and about how he was a growing adult, taking care of his sister when Rick needed help. Some part of Negan wanted to pull his weight too even if he didn’t know them too well. Rick brought out something different in him, a sense of responsibility. He wanted to help too.

They were so sweet. Negan was thinking less and less of Rick in a sexual light, he was now daydreaming about going to BBQs with them, playing ball with Carl and Judith, watching the game with Rick. All those kinds of things.

His phone hadn’t buzzed for a while already and things were in a lull at work. Dwight was texting away on his phone, his back facing Negan. He couldn’t help his eyes from traveling down his back, to his ass which wasn’t all that bad for a skinny guy.

As if Dwight could feel his eyes on him he turned, giving Negan a perplexed look on his face. “You okay there?”

“I think I finally see what Sherry sees in you,” Negan laughed before taking a bite out of a Twizzler.

“Really? Clue me in there, I’m still in the dark,” Dwight smiled, his eyes growing bright almost as soon as she was mentioned.

“You’re not a fucking mess and you’re reliable. I can’t be bothered to be somewhere on time unless it benefits me. Not gonna lie, I love being a bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks but I like being needed just as much as anyone else does.”

“What?”

“I’m having doubts about my abilities here. I need you to say something good about me to get me out of this funk.”

“You should probably try harder to not be as asshole first of all.”

“Hah. Easier said than done,” Negan threw his head back, Dwight didn’t seem to think it was so funny. He shrugged.

“No I’m being serious.”

“Should I start taking notes or?”

“See you’re being sarcastic now.”

“Which translates me to being an asshole. Okay I get it.”

“Is this about Rick?”

“Aaron been blabbing?”

“No. You are. All the time. Rick this. Rick that.”

“Oh,” Negan sank back into his chair, the swiveled it side to side as he thought to himself. “I’m my own worst enemy huh?”

Dwight crossed his arms and nodded, “I think we all are.”

Negan’s phone buzzed on the desk, he jumped up and grabbed it to see it was Rick.

_Beer and burgers sound good tonight? I know a place. I’ll send directions._

Negan smirked and texted back. _Sounds good. I’ll meat you there._

He waited a while to see if he’d get the response he wanted, then there was a buzz. _Fuck you. This is a no pun zone._

Negan giggled out loud, then looked back up at Dwight who was giving him a knowing look. He grew embarrassed then swiveled his chair facing away from him, quickly texting a response to Rick.

_You’re the boss, Officer Asswipe._


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and sticking around for so long. I'm sorry I fell behind schedule and with answering comments. Believe me I read them all, and the reread them and reread them again. You guys keep me going. This chapter might have some errors. I'm a little sick so I might have over looked stuff. I'll give it a reread later to see if everything is good. Enjoy!

“Now that’s a heaping helping of guacamole right there,” Negan roared with joy, causing multiple people sitting around them to look at their table.

Well, Negan wasn’t wrong. Rick was certainly looking at a generous portion of guacamole placed in the center of their table, freshly baked tortilla chips and salsa on a plate right beside it. His mouth was salivating and before he could grab a chip Negan was already digging in like a ravenous animal.

“That’s a shit ton right there, son,” he said with his mouth full.

“I’m excited about my burger. I forgot to eat lunch and…” Rick kind of trailed off, but Negan cut into his stream of consciousness.

“Who just forgets to eat lunch?”

“I don’t know. Maybe some part of me was excited to eat here,” Rick smiled, then chuckled to himself. Negan grew strangely quiet, leaning in towards him.

“Excited, huh,” Negan’s voice now softer.

“Well yeah,” Rick grew nervous being the subject of his gaze. “This is a good place.”

“I wouldn’t know but I’m pretty fucking impressed. The food looks great. And the eye candy, wow. You see the ass on our waiter?”

“No.”

“Oh right. You’re straight. Sometimes I feel like I’m a part of this super exclusive club. It’s nice not everyone’s in on it. I am enjoying the ever living fuck out of myself here just letting my eyes wander over there yonder,” he smirked then laughed, leaning back and taking a drink out of his pint.

Rick narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips. “I have eyes too you know. I just don’t go around checking out people’s…rears. He’s alright.”

Negan scoffed and rolled his eyes.

There was something different about him. The ride there he was acting even more confident than usual so confident he was dangerously bordering on asshole. It bothered Rick. If he didn’t know any better he’d think he was going out of his way to be like this.

He ordered a soda to Negan’s detest, he just didn’t feel like getting drunk that night.  

“So uh Carl barely even let me out the front door tonight,” Rick chuckled.

“I’m not that bad of an influence over you. Tell him to calm down,” Negan grinned. “Anyway you should have brought him along. He’d see that this is a pretty chill thing. We’re just two guys, hanging out, being gays.”

“That’s right,” Rick furrowed his brow and nodded, staring down at the bubbles rising up to the top on his drink. “Wait. You mean guys right?”

“Yeah that’s what I said,” Negan cleared his throat. “You hear something different? Better get your ears checked. Heh.”

“So that new development…your uh—sexuality is that opening up some,” Rick swallowed his spit, unsure how to talk about the topic at all, “New doors or?”

“I’ve matched with some guys, exchanged words uh—“ Negan’s constant smile became a toothy grin, “some pics and well—“

“Oh,” Rick’s eyes grew wide, his stomach churning all of a sudden, acid rising up his throat, his chest aching.

“Haven’t done the deal though.”

“I had sex with Jessie,” like an idiot Rick spurted it out.

Negan shook his head and burst out laughing, confused but seemingly delighted to hear the news, “You did? Way to go man.”

Rick straight up grimaced at his reaction and grabbed a chip, scooping up a large amount of guacamole, shoveling it into his mouth. Negan gave him a perplexed look, his smile fading.

“Hey uh—you okay there?”

“Right,” he had to say something. He wasn’t even sure why he brought it up, “It didn’t—it didn’t work out though.”

“Oh shit. Really but—“

“But what,” Rick sighed. “She dumped me and she was kind about it. She’s a nice woman, what did I expect?”

“Hey. Don’t go down that self-pitying route again.  That’s a dead end right there. Was it at least good?”

“Never been with anyone since Lori,” Rick looked at him with weary eyes, “It was great but it was like an out of body experience. Whatever happened with Jessie wasn’t me. That was some other man in the backseat of her car.”

“Nice. You couldn’t even wait to get a hotel room,” Negan spread out his legs, rubbing his hands on his knees. His selective hearing was on overdrive again.

“Is that how you felt when you…”

“What I what…” He didn’t want to remember, he pushed it so far to the back of his head. It wasn’t clear if Rick asking about after his marriage or that stupid fucking affair, if it could even be called that. The unhappy parts with Lucille were this huge blank, the nights when Negan drank heavily thinking of her, he didn’t tread down that path. He still couldn’t let himself. It didn’t mean the guilt wasn’t there. Of course it was there. It was there each time he’d want to text her ask her how she was doing. It was there when he had to do his own laundry in a laundromat full of awful looking people. And it was there now that he was looking Rick straight in the eyes, feeling that ache so deep into his bones, shaking him to his core. Did he even deserve to be this happy with Rick? “I don’t think about it. I just did it.”

Rick was surprised by his response. He looked down at his own hands probably wondering if he was over thinking things. Negan felt some regret he didn’t say the truth, all he could give him was a half-truth.

So much was left unresolved. Would he still feel this way if he hadn’t been caught? Negan was scared of the answer.

“I think about Lori moving on and I’m glad but I mostly feel sick. I don’t have the energy for this dating thing anymore. I’m probably deleting the app and leaving it at that.”

“Really,” Negan put another chip into his mouth, Rick looked like he was losing his appetite. “You don’t think you deserve happiness or some shit?”

“My plate is too full to even consider it.”

“Look you’re so serious. Us hanging out right now…it’s a good thing right?”

“Yes,” Rick looked up at Negan, blinking slowly, leaning his head against his palm.

“Take it step by step then. If we keep going out maybe you’ll find a girl the old fashioned way. I’ll be your wingman.”

“I don’t know,” Rick said, shaking his head side to side, “Something tells me you’re the kind of guy who’ll slip in and steal the girl away.”

“I’m not gonna say no but I’m gonna try to go against my instinct. I’m a fucking shark. There’s probably some cool predator stuck inside you too just scratching and clawing to get out.”

“All I know is that I want to take a huge bite into a burger and I don’t want it running away from me. That’s what the predator in me wants.”

Negan swallowed his chip, feeling a little sick thinking of Carl’s accusations from earlier on, “I need to find a better fucking word than predator. Seriously.”

“Yeah you do,” Rick laughed.

Regretfully it was over just as fast as the night began. Negan had been at work all day working nine to five, he didn’t have long to get ready and seeing Rick was something he took seriously. Everything was so easy breezy, even better than their conversations on the phone. It was so real, and so honest and so fucking natural.

There was a huge difference in Rick’s posture from the start of the night until the end. He was smiling. He was smiling a lot. And that god damned twinkle in his eye, just wow. If Negan could take a picture he would right then and there. All those bad feelings he had before just dissipated.

And now having Rick sitting on the passenger seat next to him was really something else. There was always a barrier between him and the life he was living. He couldn’t feel his heart beat, he didn’t feel his chest rise and fall with each breath and the world always seemed so far away. Since Lucille nothing was the same.

But here with Rick, he never felt so glad to be a part of someone’s life even if there was a possibility he didn’t mean shit to him. Even if he didn’t return every phone call, every text. Who cares? Growing up meant the world didn’t have to revolve around him. He was fine with that.

 He knew at that very moment he could be Rick Grimes’ friend.

“I’m so full,” Rick rolled his head back, “Now that is a great burger. The cheese, the sauce, whatever it was, the seasoning into the meat, the fresh vegetables.”

“Heh. Of course you’d be the one guy who’d have to comment on the vegetables.”

“What,” smirked Rick, briefly Negan looked at him, the reflection of the streetlights flashed on Rick’s face, bringing out the bright blue in his eyes. It was only for half a second but that was enough of a reminder of just how breathtaking this man was. Negan told himself to cool it, to not let his mind wander. There was a plethora of other things they could talk about. “Those stories Shane would tell me in high school…they were the closest thing I had to porn at the time. You won’t be surprised to hear I wasn’t the best at getting girls but he was. He was a real champ at it. A specialist.”

“Really,” Negan cocked an eyebrow. “And he’d tell you everything?”

“It’s weird now that I think about it,” Rick stared off into the street that seemingly had no end to it. It just stretched on and on and Rick was strangely okay with that. “I spent so long wanting to be that guy. But I just wasn’t. I didn’t have it in me. But now I see where I am now, and I see where Shane is now. We aren’t that different in the end. Maybe it doesn’t even matter.”

“You’re stupid if you think that Jessie thing will happen again. You’re not becoming your friend. You said yourself what happened with her wasn’t you. I get it you’re the wining and dining kind. Super vanilla and that’s fine, all the power to you.”

“Don’t talk about me like you know me all of a sudden,” Rick laughed.

“Hey. Why not? Who has the fucking say about what I do or don’t know?”

“Me. Who else?”

“Okay let’s play a game then. Why don’t you be Shane and I be Rick? Tell me all those dirty details, yeah? Tell me everything,” Negan licked his lips and turned to Rick who was wide eyed at the mere suggestion.

Rick’s eyes grew more devilish with each passing moment, he smirked. “What about all those guys you’re taking pictures for? Tell me about that first.”

Negan scoffed, sliding his hands up and down the steering wheel of his car. “You like playing games don’t you?” He reached a stoplight, the car coming to an abrupt stop. “I asked first.”

“Well uh—I can’t remember specifics.”

“Over embellish. You think your friend, Shane didn’t exaggerate shit? That bastard knew what he was doing.”

“She really wanted to. She really wanted _me_.”

“Why do you sound so surprised? You’re not fucking The Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

“I’m not surprised just—“

“So she wanted your fat juicy cock?”

Rick swallowed, feeling his nerves setting in. “Yeah. She told me she wanted me to fu—to make love to her.”

“Just say fuck. You mean fuck yeah? And you dirty piece of shit, you sure as hell did, right? I’m so fucking proud of you.”

“There’s this moment though, of absolute clarity, I think. After all the fear, and the worrying, I just let my brain turn off. Everything else after that it was so easy. My hands were on her, my mouth was on her, it happened so fast. I never wanted anything so bad as I wanted her in that moment. She was mine.”

“Oh,” Negan raised his brow, intoxicated by the look on Rick’s face. “Well shit. That’s some primal stuff right there.”

“I don’t know what I’m rambling about.”

“It makes total sense.”

“She was so beautiful and sad. I hope in some stupid way I helped. That the feeling was…mutual, yeah?” No booze and he was talking so easily to Negan. It was strange. Was that some quality Negan had or something?

“How’d it feel when it really set in you weren’t fucking Lori. You feel guilty or--?”

“Believe it or not. I didn’t feel shit,” Rick rubbed his chin, feeling the stubble already poking through. “This whole night I was thinking about what you said when you were with someone after Lucille. You’re right. At least I felt it before and then ultimately after, but during—no.”

“It’s because it was just you and your eye on the prize.”

“It happens and then it escapes you. You forget what it felt like so you’re always chasing it like some rabid dog.”

“I get you,” the light turned green. Negan didn’t hit the gas. He stayed there, it was late, no one was on the street. It was almost like him and Rick were in their own little universe, hell, it always kind of felt that way. “You’re still thinking about it now?”

“I’m a full blooded man. What do you think?”

“Hmm,” Negan was feeling a little hot himself.

“It’s never been more exciting as it was then though. Usually I just do it and watch it go down the shower drain,” Rick laughed pitifully.

“Is that what you’re going to do when you get home tonight,” Negan seemed a little too engrossed, Rick’s mouth fell open, he was at a loss for words.

Negan knew he was right.

Some part of him was suddenly alive when he was around Rick. He was always probing for any kind of intimate details to give him a better look at the bigger picture of what made Rick tick. And well—this conversation was definitely something he’d take with him that night.

“Yeah well.”

“Yeah, well,” Negan mimicked Rick. There was no budging he obviously wasn’t admitting anything. But just picturing him doing it was enough to get him going. “You can’t be perfect. You’re just like the rest of us, stroking our cocks and dreaming about what once was, what could be. All that bullshit. It gets pretty philosophical after a while.”

“The light has been green for an eternity already,” Rick pointed at the stoplight.

“Has it?”

“Yeah, Negan,” Rick crossed his arms, smirking. “Watch your head.”

“God someone could fucking smash into me and I wouldn’t fucking care.”

“I got kids.”

Negan pushed on the gas. He knew just why he didn’t want to go. The night was moving by so fast.

“I don’t know. That boy of yours, he’d get shit done with or without you.”

“That’s reassuring.”

 “I don’t have any myself but I think you’ve done good with those two tater tots.”

“Oh c’mon,” chuckled Rick, “You haven’t even met Judy.”

“You saying she’s the worse of the two?”

“What I’m saying is I don’t know yet.”

“You’re right. Heh.”

They shared a laugh together.

Rick stayed silent, thinking. He licked his lips and ran his hands through his hair. “I really liked Jessie you know.”

“Yeah,” Negan scratched at his growing beard, “Well I liked you but the world ain’t so fair to us, huh? You know what we do? We move the fuck on, cowboy. There’s bigger and better things.”

“You’re right. Yeah.”

Disappointment washed over Rick, he wasn’t sure if it was reality overcoming him or something else. He just watched Negan pushing on that gas.

“Look at me. Heh. I went from being a P.E. coach to sounding like a fucking life coach. Of all fucking things.”

“That’s good advice but I won’t turn to you for any decision making.”

“Fair enough,” Negan tapped on the steering wheel with his fingers. Whatever song he could hear coming from the low volume of the radio was good enough for him to put on loudly all of a sudden.  “Okay you have to hear this band. I’ve been listening to them a lot and this solo blows me away.”

Rick listened along. It was rock. “Heavy metal,” he questioned.

“Hard rock,” Negan corrected him. “They went by The Runaways. I got one of their records as a kid just cause I thought the girls looked really hot and it took me a while to find them again. They’re not even that obscure that was stupid on my part. I mean Joan fucking Jett. I’m on the verge of creaming myself just thinking about her.”

“Oh I know her,” Rick smiled, Negan nodded and returned the smile

He looked back on the road and huffed, “She’s still on my list of totally boneable babes.”

“God. I like talking to you,” Rick was tired, that was obvious. He kept closing his eyes like he was ready to drift off.

“Feelings mutual, man,” Negan was eyeing up an ice cream place. “Oh shit they have a drive in. Fuck me! They’re still open. Milkshake on me?” He pulled into the drive through and was looking at the menu. Something suddenly dawned on him and he looked at Rick. “What’s got you so soft saying stuff like that?”

“Nothing just thinking out loud.”

“Okay. What do you want?”

Rick leaned in trying to read the menu from where he was at. He was so close that Negan could smell him, even feel the heat coming from his body.

He couldn’t help himself, Negan took a huge whiff, his eyes nearly rolling back just from how good he smelled. He smelled like cologne, and French fries and Rick. That good ol’ indescribable Rick smell.

“I know what I’m having,” Negan mumbled to himself, not entirely realizing he was saying it out loud. He was startled to see Rick looking right at him.

“Oh what?”

“Oh yeah uh—vanilla, whatever. I’m a vanilla shake kind of guy.”

“Just vanilla? They have so many options.”

“No. I just want vanilla. Jeez. Lay off of me,” Negan said playfully, Rick cocked an eyebrow and shrugged.

“Strawberry shortcake sounds good honestly. You gonna judge me for that?”

“No sir,” he pulled up to the window. “I’ll have a large vanilla and a large strawberry shortcake for my strawberry shortcake.” Negan gestured towards Rick. The girl smiled, and Rick was embarrassed, he shoved at Negan. “What? I said I wasn’t gonna judge.”

“Fuck you,” Rick crossed his arms.

“Oh shit. You’re really angry aren’t you? But I just bought you something.”

“Hey you’re the one who nearly jumped out of the chair when you saw how expensive the guacamole was back at the restaurant. And you kept insisting I pay half even though I hardly ate any of it.”

“You ate some.”

“Says who,” Rick pointed at Negan’s tummy, “You’re looking pretty guilty right there.”

“Hey fuck you,” he groaned, zipping up his leather jacket.

“It’s real cute,” teased Rick. Not just his tummy though, every single thing about him, even his awful personality. Rick was completely and totally smitten and he didn’t know what to do about it.

When he got home Rick laid in bed for the longest time, he heard his phone buzz and he assumed it was Negan texting him he got back safe. Rick asked him to do that and he was doing as he was told and shit, that was nice just having someone to check in on and be checked on by.

Earlier before the night was over Rick swore he was exhausted, just dead tired. He kept fantasizing of climbing into his bed and sleeping forever, getting lost in a universe of nothing. No stress. No anxiety. Just nothing.

But now he was more awake than ever. Logic could say it was the sugar in the milkshake keeping him up. It was his heart telling him otherwise. He decided to get up and take a shower. He looked in the mirror, not at all happy with what he saw. He wasn’t bad off but when he looked in his eyes, like really looked into them he could see how life had worn him out.

With Negan though…

Rick stepped into the shower letting the water fall over him. Hot and soothing, the steam coming up, helping him breathe easier. He wiped the water off of his face and leaned his forehead against the tile, closing his eyes. Moving his head side to side he thought of when he was close to him, how he wanted to rest his head on his chest and breathe him in.

That wasn’t so straight was it?

No. That was okay but now it seemed like he moved on.

But what if he hadn’t? What if there was still a chance.

…a chance to hold him. To be held by him.

Rick sighed, his hand gripping at his thigh. There was a line he hadn’t crossed. He stroked his inner thigh slowly, still contemplating.

Oh why the fuck not. He grabbed himself, letting out a moan between his clenched teeth. He started jerking himself off agonizingly slow until he felt the tension building up, wanting more. Wanting speed and he gave himself that, stroking himself ruthlessly, so much it almost hurt, it ached. He needed that release.

If there was some connection between them now it was that Negan predicted just what he had planned and fuck, for the wildest reason it was so hot.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey this is a longer chapter than usual! yay! Sorry for any typos in advance. Thanks for the reviews and the comments. I love hearing from you guys. xoxo

“You have got to be shitting me,” Carl was sitting at the front of his school Enid by his side.

She raised her eyebrows, tucking her long hair behind her ears, “Well I shit you not.”

“Is that seriously him? I gotta be seeing things.”

“No. That’s him,” she sighed, her eyes baring into Carl’s. “It always starts off like this and it gets even worse.”

“They’re not gonna start dating. No way.”

“It’s a modern world we’re living in,” she shrugged, Carl was looking behind her with his mouth gaping.

Negan already got out of his car and was chatting up one of the teachers, presumably looking for Carl but Carl knew better. That bastard had seen him already but was trying to find a reason to weasel his way in to that teacher’s pants. She was one of the better looking ones at the school.

“If he’s in love with my dad why is he flirting with her?”

“He’s trying to keep his options open.”

Why the hell did Enid have to have an answer for everything?

“Oh great he’s coming over.”

Negan was grinning ear to ear waving like a tall stupid idiot. “Howdy kids.”

“Get out of here, Negan,” Carl grumbled, Enid sighed and crossed her arms.

“Hey are you the little ninja who went through my shit? Something tells me Carl wasn’t in that alone.” Surprisingly Negan didn’t seem too bothered and neither was Enid apparently.

“Yeah went through your porn. Gross,” she moaned.

“Well no one fucking asked you to go through it. You probably needed a good eye bleaching after that geez. Some things aren’t worth looking at,” Negan put his hands on his hips, then looked back at Carl. “So uh your usual ride isn’t picking you or Judy up today and your dad asked so obviously I said fuck yeah, why not.”

“You expect me to believe that,” Carl squinted his eyes.

“Uh yeah why the fuck not,” Negan said nonchalantly.

“Day one in school they said don’t get in cars with strangers. And you’re a stranger.”

“Seriously? What’s your real beef kid? I said your dad would stay unfucked and surprise, your dad is still unfucked, oh shit, sorry uhh what’s your name little lady?”

“Enid,” she pursed her lips, looking Negan up and down both perplexed and disgusted.

“I don’t like cussing in front of little girls. Something rubs me wrong about it,” he swallowed nervously.

“You were literally discussing porn with her a second ago,” Carl cut in.

“Geez. Why you gotta make me always look like the bad guy? How about I call your daddy—“

“Don’t say daddy, I swear to god,” Carl lowered his head, covering his face in embarrassment, meanwhile Enid was choking on her laughter.

“Okay your dad, whatever. He’ll clear shit up.” Negan pulled out his phone and started thumbing through it, eventually he found Rick’s number and called it. After ringing two times Rick immediately pick up.

“Please please please tell me you didn’t fuck up,” Rick’s shaky voice answered.

“Everything is a ok, just picking up Carl,” Negan winked at Carl, his voice firm and confident. “He’s acting like I’m about to snatch him up and sell him to some rich fat white guy or something. You think you can put in a good word for me?”

“What? Right. Okay. Yeah just hand over the phone to him,” said Rick. Negan had a shit-eating grin on his face as he handed the phone over to Carl.

“Dad,” Carl questioned.

“It’s me,” Rick sounded exhausted, “Beth’s car broke down and so she’s relying on other people for rides. I was honestly out of ideas. I know you two don’t get along. But please for my sake…get along.”

“He’s so weird, dad,” Carl said under his breath.

“Yeah. I’m not gonna say he isn’t,” Rick chuckled. “Be the better man and keep an eye then. I trust you.”

“Here,” Carl gave Negan back the phone.

“Weird? Seriously,” Negan said low, narrowing his eyes at Carl, “Hey strawberry shortcake.” He said to Rick.

“I will smash your nuts with a hammer if they aren’t home safe and sound when I get back,” threatened Rick.

Negan uneasily laughed. “Hey uh—that’s awful sweet of you. Thanks for your gratitude.”

“Just think of my bare hands around your neck…”

“Honey not in front of the kids,” Negan snickered.

“I’m not joking,” Rick was sitting in a cop car with Shane, their windows rolled down, a piping hot coffee in between Rick’s legs. Shane took it from him, shooting a worried look as he put it in the cup holder carefully.

“I know papa bear,” teased Negan. “I’ll even make you dinner.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I want to.”

Rick was speechless, he huffed, then spoke sternly, “Fine. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Up and at em kid, you’re either walking home or you’re getting in the car with me,” Negan said to Carl.

“Hey can I come with,” asked Enid.

Negan watched her worriedly, cocking an eyebrow, “Uh. Do you usually come along?”

“She doesn’t,” said Carl, suspicious about her growing interest.

“Yeah I don’t but I have nowhere else to be and my parents aren’t even home. I’m an only kid and I have to take the bus—“

“Stop it right there. Don’t make me feel more obligated than I already do. Yeah whatever. C’mon,” Negan started walking to his car, giving the teacher he was talking to earlier a flirtatious wink before getting. It was a two door which wasn’t necessarily ideal to be picking up kids in but it was a last minute decision. Negan helped move the seat forward so Enid could climb into the backseat. “Watch out there’s a lot of junk back there. Just kick the shit out of the way its fine.”

“Wow this is a mess,” she struggled to get comfortable praying there weren’t any sharp things in the trash that’d cut her.

“It’s not that bad,” Negan scoffed.

“Yeah it is that bad,” Carl chuckled, getting into the passenger seat.

“Push some more stuff so there’s room for the baby.”

“There is so much gym equipment back here,” there was a hint of curiosity in Enid’s voice as she went through the stuff. Baseball bats, ping pong paddles, tennis balls…”Is this a cat toy,” she jingled it and Negan went red.

“Yeah I got a cat. Who cares? Plenty of tough guys like cats.”

“Thought you’d have a pitbull or something,” Enid mused out loud.

“I’m sure you weren’t wishing for that when you were sneaking around my shit back home,” he grumbled. Enid silently agreed.

“I like cats,” Carl crossed his arms. “Cats aren’t even that bad. They are natural born predators.”

“That’s right,” Negan nodded and pointed, agreeing with Carl’s completely valid point as he looked over his shoulder at Enid.

“I’m like not even insulting cats I’m insulting his image—“

“Whatever. The damage is done,” Negan started up his car and pulled out of the parking space. The tension was thick and for whatever reason both Negan and Carl were sulking. 

Enid moaned, forming her hands into fists. “What the hell I like cats too! It was just a stupid joke.”

\-------

“You’re looking worse for wear,” Shane adjusted his belt as he and Rick walked down a sidewalk side by side.

“I’m just worried,” Rick stretched, then yawned. “Negan used to be around kids at his old job. I just keep reminding myself that.”

“He probably can handle yours.”

“Really,” Rick had a deadpan look in his eye. “Carl hates him, even you hate him.”

“Aw c’mon. Don’t do me like that. Hate is a strong word. I can’t say I hate him. Never met the guy.”

“I can hear it in your voice. You don’t like him, then.”

“Well that I can’t argue with. He sounds like an ass. Seems like you like it though so who am I to argue?”

“Now what gave you that impression?”

“I don’t know. You obviously trust him enough to take care of your kids.”

“That was a last minute decision. You know that. The babysitter cancelled and there’s was no one else I could call.”

“Really,” Shane smirked. “So when you were going through your contacts list on your phone there wasn’t anyone else who came to mind before reaching the letter N?”

“No,” Rick shook his head, his eyes wide and panicked. There was nowhere else to hide though, Shane knew him better than he did.

“What about Glenn? What about Maggie?”

“What about them?”

“They are how you got your babysitter in the first place.”

“I don’t know. Didn’t want to bother them. They’re newlyweds and—“

“Can’t bullshit a bullshitter, brother. Your instinct is telling you something and it’s that you trust Negan whether you want to or not.”

“I trust him as far as I can throw him,” Rick stopped and looked at the playground they were patrolling.

“There’s always high traffic on the slide, huh,” Shane leaned in, chuckling. “Not all that different than people on the freeway.”

Three kids got stuck in the slide, they all slammed into each other then fell into the sand. Rick and Shane stifled their laughter.

“You’re right,” Rick kept on walking, Shane jogging to catch up to him.

“About Negan or—“

“He promised me dinner, Shane,” Rick stopped walking, giving Shane an overwhelmed look. “When I get home he’s gonna have dinner ready for me. That’s taking it too far isn’t it?”

“I don’t know. Is dinner just dinner for you or does it mean something else?”

Rick didn’t give it much thought he spoke the first thing that came to mind, this was Shane after all, he was at ease, “It makes me think of Lori.”

“Shit,” Shane rubbed his head, nodding side to side, trying to make sense of it.

“I do like having him around. No offence but it’s nice having someone who knows what all this feels like and is probably handling it better than I can.”

“No offence taken,” Shane swallowed. “It takes a lot to let someone in. I can’t take all the responsibility for your well-being,” he pat Rick’s shoulder with a smile.

“I don’t know. The day seems slow enough, maybe I’ll go home early and see what’s up.”

“Alright then.”

Their walkies went off. Rick and Shane got into their car, Shane at the helm, sounding off the sirens. There was a break-in not far from where they were at. Rick could feel his palms sweating. So much for going home.

\----

“He’s the one who found me. When I moved in he was always going around my legs and tripping me and shit. He’s been spending more time indoors and he’s been looking bored as all hell. Not gonna lie but when I really get into relaxation-mode I’m boring as fuck. I try to think of the stuff he’d do and see on a regular basis so I guess I tried to compensate for that. I got that stupid toy and like an idiot I’m holding the handle bouncing the feather and the bell around and he loves the ever living fuck out of it. Hell. I mean. Hell. He loves the ever living hell out of it. But he kept losing it cause you know…that whole one eye deal…and the poor bastard kept hitting the wall over and over again. He’d always find a way to hit the damn wall. Depth perception I guess. My bad. Anyway the toy was for twelve dollars and I want my twelve dollars back. Twelve dollars goes a long fucking way for me. You guys have seen how I live right? I’m not a rich bastard. Every last dollar I make matters to me. Big deal though. I can buy him other toys. Cheaper ones that don’t hurt him as much.”

Negan would never shut up, he talked the whole way there. Carl and Enid were silent, both of them shutting down and zoning him out.

“It’s right there,” Carl pointed.

The daycare looked cute enough. There was a small playground outside with a fence around it. The sign had a picture of a penguin and a duckling holding hands. Negan stared at it for a while. Didn’t make sense. In a real life scenario those two birds would never come into contact. But then again he’d never seen a penguin wear a backpack outside of Batman Returns and that wasn’t real life either. Negan shrugged and sighed, pulling to a stop.

“Do I get down or,” he asked.

“No I usually sign her out. They know me there anyway,” said Carl.

He got out, slamming the door after himself. Negan stared at him as he got into the establishment, then it dawned on him, there was still someone there with him. His heart grew still, he turned to Enid who was staring out the window.

“You don’t need to talk to me,” she said through her clenched jaw.

“Your wish is my command,” Negan said, then cringed. Awful. So stupid. She gave him a disgusted look, then turned back away. Now he was anxious and embarrassed. He started rubbing his hands up and down the steering wheel. “He’s taking so long.”

“it’s literally been a few seconds,” she moaned.

Carl eventually came out with Judy in tow.  Negan had to get out to help him set up the baby car seat, with her in it. She was looking very sleepy, very angelic. Her little hand touched Negan’s and that was it, he was absolutely in love, his lips parting, staring at her through half lidded eyes.

“She is so—“ Negan muttered.

“Yeah she is,” Carl shoved him so he could secure the seatbelt over the seat, on the other side Enid clicked it.

“That it,” Negan stood up straight with his hands on his back.

Carl gave him a slightly irritated look, narrowing his eyes, “You seen a baby before.”

“No. I have none of my own,” he hated hearing himself say that each time. “I mean—I’ve been around babies but she’s really something.”

For once Carl believed he was genuine. He couldn’t find the will to make a scowl like he usually did, instead he just shrugged and smirked. “Yeah.”

“Okay so here we go then,” Negan hopped and rolled on his hood to the other side. Both Carl and Enid perked up in awe at how freaking crazy that guy was and in all honesty it gave Negan a thrill to know they were both surprised by him. Maybe he still had it. He popped on a pair of sunglasses he had in his cupholder. “Time to buy some damn groceries.”

It was surreal pushing a cart with a baby in it and two kids following after. This was the most normal Negan felt in his life and it was as ab-fucking-normal as all hell. Didn’t take long for Carl to start pushing the cart, he couldn’t stand the idea of Negan looking like he was their father, that was on him. But Negan realized he didn’t exactly mind it. They were quite the ragtag group of assholes. Carl had a pair of shades on, so did Enid and Judy had no sunglasses on but she had an air of not giving a fuckness even for being an infant.

“I’m keeping these,” Enid pulled down on her aviators.

“No you’re not,” hissed Negan. “They cost a shit ton. You’re lucky I’m letting you wear them.”

“Do people usually stare this much,” Carl looked at an elderly couple straight in the eye then back at Negan.

Negan smirked, then cackled. “It obviously means you’re doing something right, kid. So do me a solid. What is your dad into?”

“Not much. All he does is watch tv and sleep. I think he’s really depressed,” Carl spoke a little too honestly.

It took Negan bye surprise. “Uh no. I mean food-wise.”

Carl loudly sighed, obviously this was too much for him already. “Why are you doing this?”

They were in the pasta section and Negan was looking at the selection, his hand on his chin. “If I could I’d make my own pasta.”

“No way you can’t do that,” Enid cut in.

“Yes way. Geez. There wasn’t a whole lot of reading material at my pad as a kid. But there were cooking books so yeah it was like chemistry, chemistry I could eat and actually wrap my noggin around,” Negan was sounding a little sensitive now.

Carl grabbed some boxes of penne and threw them into the grocery cart, pushing on forward. “I had a long day and I want to go home and eat already.”

“Excuse me. You think your dad hasn’t had a long day either? I think he’d appreciate it if he came home to some home cooking, anyway I promised,” said Negan.

“Yeah. You promised. I don’t know why you had to do that.”

“Geez. Stop busting my balls.”

“Why is this so important to you?”

Judy was watching both of their expression with wide eyes and by then Enid had made herself scarce, staring at the different types of sauces they had there.

“Do you really need to make me say it?”

“Yeah,” Carl’s eyes grew intense and Negan was tired of this constant battle already. He caved in immediately.

“Look at me. Do I look like a guy who clicks with anyone? I’m pretty much hopeless. Strangely enough your dad likes me. I haven’t really thought much about the reason why but there’s no point is there? I just know I don’t want him going anywhere. I want him to be my friend and I want him to stay that way.”

Looking up, this tall man was appearing to be less foreboding and more sensitive all of a sudden really took Carl out of his element. He blinked a couple of times in shock, then away from his pleading eyes.

“Make this easy on me. C’mon. This is the most I can do. My mouth I can’t control but this—this is the only way I can’t fuck up. So go ahead. Laugh,” Negan continued but Carl wasn’t laughing or mocking him.

“Don’t try so hard. He’s a simple guy. Sitting in the backyard with a beer in his hand kind of guy. “

“Okay. So let’s not make it all about me trying to impress your dad. Why not let it be a group effort huh? Let’s half ass it but let’s half ass it _together_.”

It was a big step for Negan, not caring about himself so much. He knew he was flipping out, he couldn’t help it but it wasn’t all for nothing because at this moment Carl didn’t look like he hated him so much.

\------

Rick was playing with his phone trying to distract himself. Another job well done, or whatever. Shane was in the backseat of the car shoving the suspect of the B&E inside. The guy kept squirming, and kicking, giving Shane the hardest time to close the door. With a deep breath he finally got it closed.

It was getting close to the end of their shift. Shane was supposed to meet up with a girl he’d been seeing on and off meanwhile Rick would finally go home. It was only a couple of hours ago that he thought that it was going to be like every other night. That the only thing he’d anticipate was cradling Judith in his arms, resting his chin on her head, then casually walking by Carl’s bedroom door to see it a crack open enough to see him working on his homework.

He was lucky. Really lucky despite it all. But with Negan, well, Rick felt strange. He was so close to admitting it to himself, not so much admitting actually, but reaching some kind of acceptance.

For all the highs, he felt equal lows.

After showering back at the police department, he changed into some clean clothes. They were simple enough, a white shirt and blue jeans, the kind of outfit Lori liked him wearing.

 _You look like someone straight out of a Wranglers ad._ She said.

Dinner would be on the stove, something bubbling in the saucepan. She’d turn slightly but let it go quickly as soon as their lips met, her arms crossing behind his neck, smiling into their kiss.

 _It can wait._ She’d say.

Rick was at his front door now, he pulled out his keys and dropped them. His hands were trembling and before he knew it there were tears streaming down his eyes. He could hear the voices coming from inside, Negan’s being especially jovial and deep.

He wiped his face with his t shirt and unlocked the door. After he dropped his things at the entrance, he made his way to the kitchen, standing just for a moment looking down the hall. The house smelled of garlic and butter, like actual honest to god home cooking. Rick’s stomach rumbled, his heartbeat growing rapid. Enid came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands off on a towel, pulling her phone out from her back pocket.

She caught notice of Rick and he caught notice of her, he’d never seen her once in his life.

“Uh hello,” she nervously tucked her hair behind her ear.

“Hey is that bastard here now, or what,” Negan called out from the kitchen, he came out with an apron on, holding a ladle. “Well what do you know? It’s the man himself.”

All of a sudden Enid felt trapped in the middle of whatever weirdness there was between both Rick as Negan, almost as soon as they caught sight of one another, she wanted to find any way possible to get out of that room.

“They are intense,” Enid shirked away from the dining room back to the kitchen.

“Who,” Carl was bent over looking into the over at the garlic bread that was cooking.

“Your dad is home. Have you ever seen them when they’re together before? You haven’t right?”

Carl nodded. They sneaked down the hall to catch a peak of Negan with Rick. They were smiling, obnoxiously smiling. Rick was acting weird, messing with his hair, and Negan was leaning against the wall flirtatiously looking at him. Definitely something was there.

Carl’s eyes were now saucer sized, he turned to Enid who calmly nodded.

“I think he’s gonna fuck your dad.”

Negan made the first move, leaning towards Rick and rubbing his shoulder, leaving his hand there. Rick laughed and cursed at him, moving his hand away, then nudging him, then Negan nudged back. And they just kept doing it, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. It was so gross. It was so out there. They were like a couple of teenagers. Carl felt his stomach turn.

“Oh shit he is gonna fuck my dad,” he grumbled.

Just to add to Carl’s worsening mood, he was left to set the table. Rick insisted on using their good dishes but Negan had already brought out the paper plates and plastic utensils because he couldn’t stand the idea of Rick having to jerk off with pruny hands.

Gross.

He said it just loud enough that Carl could overhear. Just beyond disgusting. He rolled his eyes.

His dad actually laughed at the joke, before cursing him out, of course. But still he laughed.

The two people lucky enough to not be subjected to this mating ritual were Judy and Enid who were sitting and watching tv in the living room. Overall though, and strangely enough, this was nice. Whatever feeling that was creeping up on him contrasted the annoyance that made his knees tremble with anger. The house smelled good, everyone was in good spirits and for the first time this new house had a warmth to it.

Life had a sick sense of humor because Carl had to be the one setting the table and not enjoy this, whatever this was. He didn’t want to admit it but Enid had a lot to do with it, and if it weren’t for Negan well—maybe he wouldn’t be living this moment.

“You need help,” Enid’s voice startled Carl. He turned and shrugged.

“The cups are in the kitchen if you want to get those.”

“Okay,” she walked into the kitchen, Carl watching her with a timid smile.

\-----------

“So the kid is knocked down on his face, right in the mood, blood streaming down his nose cause the poor runt got it broken and the other kid in the opposing team is crying harder than he is. Little asshole is in the grass clutching his knee like he didn’t knock him over on purpose. I went up to the referee told him he was cheating and he just wouldn’t hear it. We were about to lose the game and I was thinking real nasty things about that guy, he was clearly giving the other team preferential treatment. So there was nothing I could do without getting myself in trouble. I just bit my tongue and concocted a little plan with some of the other boys that were watching the game in the bleachers,” Negan grinned, wiping his face with his napkin, sitting up straight as everyone’s eyes were on him as he continued with his story. “I knew that referee by the way, he was a real shit. He graduated in my class. Real stuck up. I don’t know what the hell he did in his life to end up refereeing some little league game but there he was, that damn asshole with a shit eating grin. I wasn’t going to let him get away with letting my boys lose when they trained their little asses off. I’m not gonna say they were great, but I don’t know, it still didn’t sit right with me. I was blowing steam out of my ears at that point but sweet sweet revenge was brought upon him. My boys weren’t afraid to get dirty. No way jose! While I was there coaching what was left of that rigged game, they were dumpster diving for old milk cartons the cafeteria had thrown out the day before. It was Saturday and it was a hot summer, they smelled bad, like your boozy grandpa with a bad case of acid reflux bad.  They got a bag full of them and climbed up to the tippy top of the bleachers and dropped each curdled, chucky, foul smelling carton right on top of his mommy’s lexus. After we lost, I sure as hell hauled ass the second he was heading to the parking lot just to see his reaction, to see that ugly, rotten toothed smile drop when he saw his car. It was really life affirming right there. I took those brats to that pizza place with the rat, what’s it called? But whatever. That was a great moment. If there’s one thing I wish I could forget was the smell, god awful, I put some vicks under my nose to try and get it out of my nostrils. That shit’ll really stick.”

That was it. That was the story. Everyone sitting at the table didn’t really know what to say. It was probably to be expected that Negan would immediately look at Rick’s expression but instead he looked at Carl’s.

“Wow,” Carl said, actually appearing to be genuinely impressed, “He sounded like he deserved it.”

Negan leaned back satisfied, shoving a forkful of pasta into his mouth. “Yeah it was pretty badass.”

“And no one got caught,” asked Rick.

“No,” Negan said with his mouth full, “People sitting on half the bleachers were suspects. What else could he do? He had to open the door and get into his car and drive away like the little bitch that he is. The thought of it is just nasty.”

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop cussing in front of the kids,” Rick said tiredly, “I mean you cussed about a million times during this whole narrative.”

“Chill. I mean, I didn’t use any of the big ones,” he grinned, wiping the red sauce off of his mouth with a napkin. “Sorry kiddos, sure you hear worse on tv.”

“He’s right,” Carl nodded, looking at Negan and then his dad.

Even Enid was nodding. “Mom lets me watch Tarantino movies,” she said, with a shrug.

“I don’t know who that is but I get the picture,” Rick stood up, grabbing his plate. “Looks like we’re done here. Enid, want some leftovers to take home?”

“No I’m good,” she smiled. “I need to go home. Who is gonna give me a ride?”

Both Negan and Rick were now standing confused, “Take it easy, Rick. I’ll take her.”

“Oh,” Rick blinked, suddenly things grew awkward. Carl studied the situation and wondered if his dad didn’t want Negan leaving so soon, but with Rick being the strong silent type that he was, he wasn’t about to say anything about it. “I just remembered there’s ice cream in the fridge. You want some before you leave,” he said to Enid. “It’s chocolate.”

That’s all he really needed to say to win her over. “Really? Okay why not.”

Carl, Judith and Enid were back in the living room again eating their ice cream contentedly, meanwhile Rick and Negan were eating it with their backs leaning against the kitchen island.

“I don’t know what to fucking say, Rick,” Negan said, fluttering his lashes before looking at him. “What you got there, I’d straight up kill for. It’s something out of a god damned picture book.”

“Thank you. I know. Sometimes it keeps me up at night, wondering if it’ll stay like this. Even when everything’s at its worst, I got Carl and Judy. They keep me stable, they keep me waking up every morning, and sometimes it’s so hard to you know. It gets harder,” Rick blinked, he was overlooking Negan’s face and they were unknowingly standing too close to one another, almost always drawn to each other that way.

“I wish I knew what keeps me going. I’m still just going,” Negan raised his eyebrows, he paused licking his spoon and putting it back in the bowl as he overlooked what Rick was wearing. “So what’s with you? White t-shirt and blue jeans, is this the casual Rick I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting until now or are you late to a James Dean audition.”

“I like to think I’m more cowboy than James Dean.”

“Oh right, that twang of yours and the cowboy boots,” Negan nudge his boot with his shoe. Rick smiled and dropped his head bashfully.  “You want me to stay don’t you?” He asked all of a sudden.

Rick was taken aback, “What,” he blinked.

“Ice cream? C’mon. I know you don’t want Carl anywhere near girls so you weren’t doing it out of the kindness of your own heart.”

“I like Enid.”

“I didn’t say you didn’t,” Negan had a smug look in his eye. “Just admit it. You like me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. If you want to leave, then leave.”

“Okay,” Negan threw the bowl in the trash and walked to the living room, giving a loud whistle to get Enid’s attention. “Let’s go kiddo.”

“Oh okay,” she stood up and waved at Carl, then pet Judith’s head. “Bye you two.”

And like that they were out of the house. Rick stalled for a second then went chasing after him. He was out the front door when he saw Enid already in the car, putting on her seatbelt except Negan was nowhere to be seen.

“Boo,” he came out from behind the door scaring the living shit out of Rick.

“What the fuck,” Rick cursed, Negan pointed and laughed.

“Thought you said no cussing.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Oh c’mon. So you weren’t going to thank me or anything for all this nice stuff I did.”

“No. Not if you thought you were going to get something out of it.”

“Hmm,” Negan rubbed his chin, making his worst thinking face. “Now what would I get out of it?”

Again Rick was speechless. He tried to get the words out but all he could stammer out was, “Uhh…umm I-I don’t know…”

“Calm down,” he nudged Rick, playfully, “I’m just messing with you. Fine I’ll be the first one to say it. I had a nice time tonight.”

Rick swallowed his spit, relaxing his posture, “Me too.”

“That’s just great then. Maybe you can return the favor. I’ll see you around. Hopefully sooner than later,” he walked away with a wave and got into his car, he roared the engine then drove off in a spectacular fashion.

Rick couldn’t help frowning. Hopefully Negan didn’t feel the need to show off anymore now that he was out of his sight, for god’s sake, there was a kid still in his car with him.


	10. Chapter 10

Things were significantly quieter with Negan and Enid gone. Carl got all the garbage together and threw it out in the back. When he got back inside he tried to look around for his dad. It’d been a while already since things had calmed down. He just had a couple essay questions left to do from his homework that he’d neglected to tell anyone about so he figured he could get to that before going to sleep.

If he didn’t know any better he was alone. After coming out of the dining room he saw the tv was still on in the living room, the lights illuminating the room and flashing with whatever movie that was playing. He turned the corner to see his dad asleep, his head rolled back, Judy on his lap resting her head on his chest. He didn’t have the heart in him to wake them so he grabbed the remote and switched off the tv.

Negan was sitting in his car in a lone parking lot. He just dropped off Enid who lived in a suburban area outside of town so he was a little lost, not lost enough that he’d think he wouldn’t get home. He knew with enough time he’d figure it out.

The hard part was actually giving it thought.

Which road did he go down again?

He got his phone out from the cup holder and texted Rick.

_Wanna hang out tomorrow after work?_

Usually Rick would answer quickly. Negan wondered if he overstepped his bounds, he was never one to be careful, he always seemed to rush into things, scare people away. Did he scare Rick? Maybe he was too confident with that stunt he did at the end. Rick looked pretty pissed but Negan liked him pissed, something about his face, the way he’d snarl and hiss and spit. That fire always made his eyes brighter.

He swore that asshole was going to give him diabetes, so fucking sweet at his core.

Negan kept licking his lips, fidgeting, sweating. He turned up the air so it was blowing in his face. There was a soft voice singing on the radio, he had the volume turned down low and by fucking god it was none other than the Bee Gees.

“Fucking fuck,” Negan rolled his eyes and rested his forehead on his steering wheel.

This was killing his punk rock cred but he was so over that thing a long time ago. The second he traded in his band t shirts for polos, he knew that was it and well, it wasn’t so bad doing whatever he liked. Listening to sad songs when he wanted to, buying a hello kitty bobble head that was on sale, admitting to himself that he liked men too, he really really liked men. One man in particular. His eyes felt heavy all of a sudden. He turned up the radio so it was blaring on his speakers.

 _'Cause we're living in a world of fools_  
_Breaking us down_  
_When they all should let us be_  
_We belong to you and me…_

Shit, he was singing along.

He turned on his car and revved up his engine. It was doughnut time. Motor running, tires skidding, just going in circles at top speed, trying to keep in control. It really helped, him singing at the top of his lungs all the while.

Rick texted back by the time he got home.

_We’ll see._

Negan huffed and grinned. He knew that was a yes but you know Rick. He loves to keep things on his terms.

As he was walking to his doorway, he saw out of the shadows a silhouette move. He squinted and got closer, she came out into the moonlight with her arms crossed, her eyes weary.

Negan’s mouth fell open, he put his hands on his hips, leaning forward in surprise, “Oh fucking shit. Lucille as I live and breathe?”

“It sure is.”

“Well uh—“ he was trying to find the right words to say, a million times he’d rehearse this in his head but now he was a blank.

“Were you gonna say I look good?”

“You know you do. Man you always do, babe.”

“Thanks,” she weakly smiled. “Can we talk?”

“Yeah. Inside though? Cause these mosquitos already left enough bites on my ass.” He grabbed his keys and opened the door, she followed after him.

“Wow.”

“Yeah wow,” Negan said with a cigarette in between his teeth. He looked at her and remembered, there was a time and a place to smoke those things and it certainly wasn’t now. He quickly put it away, hoping she hadn’t noticed.

“At least I know you missed me.”

“I ain’t denying that. You got plenty of evidence to prove it. Lots of weepy embarrassing voicemails, I bet.”

Lucille shrugged, “I always deleted them as soon as I saw it was you. I think it’s funny though. I was so angry. But we spent so much time together that it suddenly just hit me, I can’t do this cold turkey. It’s killing me.”

Negan blinked, his eyes wide, he felt them tearing up so he dropped his head biting on his lip. “We were so close to hitting those two decades.”

“Don’t make it sound like I was the one who fucked it up.”

“I know. You didn’t,” Negan forced a smile. “You want something to drink, honey?”

“I’m okay.”

“Really?”

“How long were you standing out there?”

“Not long.”

“And so,” he felt his mouth go dry. “You came all the way here to tell me you miss me, then.”

“No. I could have shot you an email.”

“Nice,” Negan laughed, Lucille just smirked.

“There’s still unfinished business here. I came for some kind of closure. I’m seeing someone new and I kept thinking there was something missing. I knew I was falling in love and everyone knew, everyone except you.”

“In love huh.” It was impossible not to sound hurt, but he wanted to play it off like it didn’t anyway. He was always a terrible actor.

“He’s nice. You’d hate him.”

“Hah. Fucking A.”

“You’re not going to find him and kill him are you?”

“No,” Negan said in between his teeth, “I shouldn’t fucking be surprised, with your tight ass and those amazing tits. A guy would be crazy to pass up on that opportunity to make that shit jiggle.”

“You always kept complimenting me, even when I wasn’t at my best. And when I found out you were off doing what you were doing,” she ground her teeth looking away from him, “Then you chose me over her. I kept thinking I wasn’t good enough. You were a liar but a liar with a conscience. You chose to stick around cause I was dying…”

They looked at one another for a moment, the both of them breaking contact at the same time.

Negan licked his lips before he spoke, “My dad up and bailed as soon as mom ran into trouble. She’d say men were fucking awful. I remember the fights, then I remember him being gone. She was gone too, even if she was still fucking there. It was that bad. But even when you take the whole cancer bullshit out of this whole equation with me and you, I never saw myself going anywhere. Sure I fucked that chick but you were home base. I wasn’t anything without you. And that’s a fucking fact. You made my dick hard and my heart hard. I’m at a fucking loss cause I feel this cocktail of shit and all I can fucking do is talk, but I never know what to say or how to say it.”

Lucille dropped her head, running her hand through her hair. Negan took a moment to really look at her, she was disheveled, like she was wearing clothes she had been planning to sleep in. Her hair was mess, no make-up, dark circles under her wide brown eyes. God she was still something.

“You’re such a fuck-up,” she nodded side to side, “Come here.”

“What about that restraining order you keep threatening,” Negan grinned, swaying side to side as he got closer.

“Shut up, just come here.” She extended out her arms and Negan was right there with her, holding her tight. He felt her pulling him in close as he rested his chin on her head. They stayed that way for a while, all the memories flooding him at once. Their first time in the bathroom of a Denny’s, her eyes looking straight into his causing him to cum faster than he thought he would. Her laughter filling the room. _It’s okay baby. I’m flattered. I know you like me. I like you too._

That confidence she had, she knew she had him the first day he saw her and he was okay with it, so fucking okay with it because no one had what she had. No one could compete.

Her smell filled his nostrils when he inhaled deeply, so familiar. Like home but what came to mind were unfamiliar ceilings. At the hospital. In his mistresses’ bedroom. A world of pain and all that history. The good and the bad.

He was melting right into her and she was letting him. Her arms started moving up and down his back like it was familiar territory she had explored a million times before. It was all innocent until she was grabbing at the hem of his shirt, trying to expose his skin. She stopped herself, waiting for his go ahead. Negan shuddered feeling it too, she pulled away just enough to look him in the eye before making the decision to kiss him. There was hardly a moment of hesitation on Negan’s part, he kissed her just as hard, clutching her face in his hands.

But just as fast as it overwhelmed them, they quickly came to their senses.

It was so easy to climb into bed with something familiar and so frightening to explore something new. He knew she was in the same boat as he was, but her man had a face and Negan well…he had an idea of what he wanted, but who? Well he just wasn’t an option, he was still having trouble accepting that. But he was certain there’d be someone new. There had to be.

“I uh—“ Negan furrowed his brow.

“Oh shit, that was so stupid,” Lucille took a deep breath, her hands on his chest, gently pushing him so there was space between them. “I was so scared. I’m treading on uncertain waters. God I always loved that about you, you were so what you see is what you get.”

“Most people are big fucking mysteries, huh.”

Lucille nodded in agreement. “Yeah. I’ll have something to drink. We need to catch up but we need to stay as far apart as we can.”

“Prince charming not doing his job or?”

“He knows where my clit is if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Woah is he a rocket scientist then?”

“Enough about me. What about you?”

“Oh fucking boy,” Negan pulled a water bottle out of his fridge, then leaned against the counter. “Believe it or not I am bi as fuck.”

“Really,” she laughed.

“Yeah. What the fuck? Just really?”

She shrugged, grabbing Negan’s water and twisting the cap open, taking a huge drink of it. “I’m not surprised. Took you a while to figure it out.”

Negan scoffed, looking away. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Your obsession with dicks wasn’t fooling anyone. So tell me then…who is the guy?”

Before she could finish her sentence, Negan had already pulled out his phone and was showing her pictures of Rick. “He’s straight as a board. What a bummer right?”

“Hey I recognize him,” she snatched phone from him.

Oh right the fake dating profile. Negan nearly shat himself trying to cover his tracks. “Oh yeah. He gets around. A huge whore. Doesn’t know when to tell a girl no.”

Her eyes grew wide, she gave Negan back his phone. “Okay. Well…” she grinned, “Just so you know, I’m bi too.”

“Oh shit really?” He paused, then spoke again. “Why didn’t we do any threeways?”

“And that right there, that’s why I divorced you,” Lucille groaned.

_\---------_

“So do you play in a band or is it just a little fib…”

“Me? Fib?”

“So you could y’know…”

“Get a little puss,” Negan smiled wide, taking a gulp out of his drink.

“Why does it always end up this way,” Rick struggled to get up but his legs were all wobbly and uncoordinated and his head was somewhere else, he didn’t know where, but it certainly wasn’t there. “Oh shit.” He slipped and fell back into the cushions of his couch.

“What a lightweight. Nothing wrong with a little drinkie-poo. Judy is asleep. Carl is bowling with his friends. Stop making yourself feel bad over everything.”

“You didn’t answer my question you uh,” Rick belched, then burst into giggles. Negan wasn’t laughing but he was smiling, admiring Rick’s features, that amazing smile, his engaging eyes. “That whole band thing.”

“Yes there’s a band thing but we’re old we have lives.”

“You have a life?” There was that dry Rick he’d see whenever he was boozy. Rick cocked an eyebrow and Negan rolled his eyes.

“I don’t tell you everything.”

“Heh. Right. If anything you tell me too much.”

“Did I tell you about the glory hole?”

Rick sat up straight immediately, “You didn’t?”

“I did,” Negan smirked.

“What is wrong with you? You could get yourself in a scary situation. How do you know whoever is on the other side isn’t some crazed asshole about to take a huge bite out of your—“

“Out of my what,” Negan leaned back, watching Rick adoringly.

“Your dick,” Rick said softly like god would smite him right there and then.

“I’m playing with you. I didn’t. I’m crazy but I’m not that crazy. God fucking forbid someone take a bite out of my [pièce de résistance](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/pi%C3%A8ce_de_r%C3%A9sistance). Someone could dunk my head in hydrocholoric acid and I'd still ask if my cock was okay, nasty fucking melted face and all."

“T-that’s a good visual. So like…the whole…band thing,” Rick did quotes with his hands, narrowing his eyes.

“Yeah what about the band thing?” Negan mimicked, mirroring his hand gestures.

“So sometimes you practice or do you play at bars or—“

“Both.”

“Oh c’mon. I can’t imagine you doing that.”

“Why? You think I got no rhythm?”

“Don’t put me on the spot like that. I’m just asking questions. You like talking about yourself all the time anyway.”

“So what? I’m interesting. Well we play rock music. Good rock music.”

“Hmm,” Rick looked at Negan through half lidded eyes, “That’s up to me to decide.”

“You want to see me play that bad?”

Rick nodded, putting down his drink, leaning towards Negan, “Yeah.”

“Alright,” Negan started going through his pockets and pulled out a flyer, placing it on the coffee table. He flattened it, and straightened it out, jabbing at the flyer with his pointing finger triumphantly.  “I’ll be there since you care so fucking much. Show up or don’t, I don’t give a fuck. I go to have a good time.”

Letting himself fall back onto the cushions Rick just shrugged, jutting out his lower lip. “Hmm.”

“So are you going?”

“We’ll see.”

“We’ll fucking see. Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you? You’re the world’s biggest tease.”

“Just say you want me to go then,” Rick had a huge Cheshire grin, it put off Negan seeing their roles suddenly reverse. He licked his lips, shifting in his seat, letting his tongue run across his lips as he rubbed his palms up and down his knees.  He clenched his jaw and gave in.

“Yeah.”

“Well shit,” Rick scratched at his scruff, laughing low to himself, “You coulda said.”

“Man. Fuck you.”

Oh Jesus, Rick wished, and damn, he let his mind go there for just a moment. That split second was too much, he wondered if Negan felt it too. He had to.

On the couch, on the table, on the floor.

All the places they could do it on. All the places he could touch and kiss and god, he was so lonely and Negan was something that he had missing from his life.

He knew in the morning when he’d wake up, he wouldn’t feel this as intensely as he did now. The longing would fade, logic would set in and that’d be that. But it didn’t have to be that way. Maybe the next morning things would be different. Maybe he’d let himself feel it for once, he deserved that much.

“You’re the bad one here. The bad influence,” Rick crookedly smirked.

Negan rubbed his chin looking a little too deep into his eyes, clearly intoxicated. Booze or attraction? His eyes always seemed to be dark that way. He couldn’t figure it out completely. Rick blinked, trying to focus on his face. It was a nice face, charming and unnerving at the same time, like his confidence and good looks were too much for him to handle in one sitting. But that was Negan. He was always a bit much, but Rick held his own.

“You’re a big asshole too but you think because you’re a goody two shoes you can get away with murder. There’s a big bad wolf somewhere inside you, I can see him just itching to get out. Every time I see you, I lure him closer to the surface. Can’t wait to see him when he gets out.”

Now this was sounding a little too sexual, not bad though, Rick had to adjust himself. He let himself grin, flashing his canines. Negan looked impressed, looking at his devilish smile, then back at his eyes.

“Hey Dad,” Carl came in, he stared at Negan and Rick moving apart from one another all of a sudden on the couch. He rolled his eyes and covered his face.

“You have fun,” the dark look escaped Rick’s eyes all of a sudden, his eyes bright and sunny.

“I guess.” Carl saw Negan, who gave him an awkward wave. Easily he could have said a word or two that sprung to mind as soon as he saw them together on that couch but there was something deeply unnerving about the idea that he was the one running in on them, not vice versa. He was the teenager after all. He was the one who was supposed to be figuring all that shit out. But these two were doing their own soul searching, midlife crisis or whatever adults called it. Carl grimaced, it was nausea inducing.

“So turns out Negan really does play in a band,” said Rick.

Negan crossed his arms, “It’s like no big deal. C’mon.”

“You kinda made it sound like a big deal in your dating profile,” said Carl.

“Whatever,” pouted Negan.

“Hey you better help me figure out the camera so I could get video of him making a fool out of himself on stage. I’ll post it the internet,” Rick said to Carl.

“Hey,” Negan objected, “Who am I kidding though? I’m a sex god. Everyone will probably start showing up, wanting a piece of this.”

“Didn’t need to hear that,” Carl left, his groans fading as he walked down the hall.

“Rick. Wanted to clear something up. But that was weird right,” Negan scooted closer to Rick, his voice low so Carl couldn’t hear him.

“Huh weird how,” Rick tried his hardest to stop his face from getting flushed given Negan’s close proximity at the moment.

“Carl probably thinks that we’re...you know…me and you.”

Okay Negan knew that was exactly what Carl thinking.

Rick swallowed, he tried to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal, that he wasn’t wondering the same thing. “Whaaaaat,” Rick’s voice sounded weirdly high. Even Negan wrinkled his nose, shaking his head side to side in bemusement.

“I was just working up to asking you if we could play ping pong when the boys come over to my place. I think we could show them a thing or two. You’ve been getting meaner and meaner when we do it. It’s great.”

Honestly Rick was turning into a complete asshole when they’d play. Balls to the wall asshole, he was getting better, so good that he now had Negan on his toes. But his secret wasn’t practice or technique, or whatever Negan thought he was born with, it was complete fire in his veins, pure sexual frustration.

“Really so that whole wolf speech—“ Rick sounded disappointed all of a sudden. “…was about ping pong?”

Negan smirked and shrugged, “I get it everything I say has sexual connotations to it. Sometimes I can’t control it. I’m not trying to, you know, suck the straight right out of you through your dick. Heh. I probably fucking could, though.”

“Ugh,” Rick moaned.

“Hmmph,” Negan’s voice grew deeper, satisfied with himself, crossing his legs. “Whatever. I think underneath that icy cold, bitchy exterior you just want to be good ol’ badass me.”

Truth was, Rick kind of did.

He wished he was stupid enough to find joy in ordinary things, blissfully unaware of his surroundings, zero shame whatsoever.

All he could ever do was think and think and think.

“Is it me but is it hard to make the distinction between being hungry and horny or can it be both like I really want to pound someone hard while taking a bite out of a big mac. Oh shit…let that secret sauce dribble down their back…that’d be pretty sexy…”

Rick’s eyes grew wide. “Why did you tell me that?”

“I don’t know…just thinking out loud. Isn’t that what best buds do? Think about it, you’re that special, you know everything about me. I feel comfortable enough to open up to you and tell you my innermost thoughts.”

“It’s thousand island dressing.”

“What?”

“The secret ingredient. You know that right?”

“It’s not funny when you say it that way. I fucking prefer saying secret ingredient.”

“Just admit it.”

“What,” Negan was suddenly worked up and Rick was getting amused by it.

“You didn’t even know.”

“I did. It’s like…general knowledge.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t know.”

Carl could hear them playfully arguing from his room. He started unbuttoning his flannel shirt and sat down at the edge of his bed, thinking to himself. If his dad was this happy, was it really all that bad to have Negan around?

\---------

Deciding to go for a change Negan wore a denim jacket with patches for all his favorite bands sewn on by his own hands. He didn’t do a good job doing that by any means but being a hard ass meant he didn’t have to. When he was in the process of moving he found it in one of those vacuum sealed bags that Lucille had in the furthest part of the closet.

He probably made it in his college days, his community college days at least. Shit, that didn’t last long. But at least it still fit, he was happy with that. With his hair greased up and slicked back, he felt like that coolest shit on the planet.

His band started tuning up and the place was getting pretty full already but Rick’s face still wasn’t in the crowd. Negan felt his heart sink to his feet.

Rick didn’t think he’d find himself back at that same bar again. He paced outside rehearsing the same words to himself over and over again.

_I think I’m love with you. I want you. Let’s do this._

He ran his hands through his hair, palms sweating, fingers trembling. Rick wanted to get this over with already, he was already certain of himself, but he was always scared he’d change his mind.

_Ugh you’re always getting so ahead of yourself. Love? Really? Does Negan need to hear that? Do you know for sure?_

It’d been so long since he figured it out with Lori. Was it some epiphany or did it develop over time?

There was definitely something there, though. He couldn’t deny that. When he got the balls to go in he saw Negan on the stage chatting with Simon. Suddenly it made sense why they could easily book that venue. No one was really looking at them though. Everyone was preoccupied with their drinks or conversations.

Rick calmly walked to the bar and ordered a beer. He briefly looked up and Negan still hadn’t noticed him. Made sense though, he probably had other things on his mind and it was a Saturday night so the place was getting full.

Then they locked eyes, a grin spread on Negan’s face. He pointed and motioned for him to get closer to the stage. Rick mouthed a no and nodded side to side. Negan made a pained expression, putting both his hands over his heart, then shrugged.

Simon was standing at the front, stroking his mic suggestively, Rick noticed this and cringed. Was this somehow going to be worse than he thought?

That’s when Simon spoke into the mic, “You guys having a good time? Yeah? Okay we’re starting our set with our favorite song, Sex Kitten.”

“Fuck yeah,” Negan roared, before smashing at his drums. Rick’s eyes grew wide, he had to look away, oh man this was so bad.

If there was anything he positive he could take out of this was that Negan was really good at smashing things, he’d sing backing vocals sometimes too, a real multitasker. So that was something. After a while Rick started watching him more without feeling as embarrassed. He was having the time of his life up there. That was his thing right? Living like the world was a stage and he was putting on a show.

“Hey uh—I want to dedicate this song to my buddy here,” Negan said, he was getting out of breath, swallowing his spit and grabbing a warm beer that was to his side. “You see that guy Rick, he’s sitting at the bar, piercing blue eyes, looks like a Marlboro man come to life. Pretty sexy right? He’s single you know. Just throwing that out there. But don’t fucking break his heart, honest to fuck, he’s gone through some real shit.”

At this point Rick was bright red ear to ear, he tilted his head down covering his face in pure embarrassment.

“Don’t hide your face Rick, that’s your selling point right fucking there. Am I right you guys?”

One of the women whooped so loud even Simon burst out into laughter.

“Anyway lets get to this song. It’s our cover of Like a Virgin. My boy Rick isn’t a virgin but it’s been a long time since he’s gotten some. Might as well be. He needs himself a taste of something new, am I right? Yeah.”

Rick was absolutely horrified being put on the spot like that. And what was he hearing with his own two ears? It was a punk version of the song and it sounded horrible, Negan and Simon screeching along and moaning. Despite this, out of the set it was more of the livelier songs and people were getting into it, jumping around, smashing into each other.

 The song started slowing down and that’s when it was Negan’s true time to shine. He was in the middle of a long drum solo, he started hitting the cymbal and the kick drum, leaving one of his drum sticks free. He deep throated it while looking straight at Rick. He winked, but then his gag reflex kicked in, and now it wasn’t only Rick who was gagging.

He had to stop his solo short and grabbed the beer, guzzling it down so it spilled out the sides and onto his face and shirt. Nothing was slowing him down because he threw what was left of it at the crowd and started playing again.

“So am I a bullshitter or not,” Negan grinned after the set was over. He was beaming, it was nice for Rick to see. He blinked a couple of times, looking at Negan through half lidded eyes.

“You looked stupid. You’re the worst.”

“Shut up.”

“No really you are. Don’t quit your day job,” Rick giggled. Negan slung his arm around him and sighed.

“Carry me to that table. My arms fucking hurt, I’m tired.”

“Okay I’ll do you that much.” They started walking but Negan stopped still, a woman approached them and Negan practically flew at her.

“You actually came? I can’t believe it,” Negan now had his arm around her and Rick was completely confused.

It didn’t take long to add it up before Negan actually said it.

“Rick. This is Lucille. Lucille this is Rick.”

“Lucille,” Rick’s heart stopped short, he tried his hardest to smile, seem genuinely glad to meet her and not like he was completely blindsided by this. “Wow you made up or…”

Such a person question but Rick wasn’t thinking straight at the moment. He just needed answers.

Negan and Lucille were like deer caught in a headlight trying to answer the question. Lucille was the one to answer, she nodded side to side and smiled.

“Yeah,” she swallowed, “Yeah we keep in contact now. Things are better.”

Rick tried to read her expression, wanting to know the status of their relationship. Better, how? It nagged at him. Were they together now or—

“We’re not fucking or anything,” Negan said bluntly with a shrug.

“That’s a nice way of putting it,” she said with a sigh. “So Rick, huh?” She said with knowing eyes.

What did Negan tell her?

After licking his lips, Rick nodded, “Yeah that’s me.”

“Negan says nice things about you. Sounds like he has a schoolboy crush.”

Negan rolled his eyes, placing both of his hands on Lucille’s shoulders, guiding her away. “Rick you go sit at that booth, I’ll join you in just a sec.” Always having a problem with toning down the volume of his voice Rick overheard Negan saying “That whole threesome thing is still on the table you know.”

“You’re gross,” Lucille laughed, shoving him off of her.

They were at the bar, Negan ordered her a drink, and stood next to her as she stayed silent. “I thought you were kidding when you’d say you’d show. You were always making fun of me before for this—“

“I don’t regret seeing you play. You know how to have fun and not care if you look like an idiot while doing it.”

“Hey are you saying I’m an idiot.”

She took a sip out of her drink, suddenly quiet again, mulling over something. Negan could see the gears turning as he overlooked her sweet face. He blinked slowly, feeling his heart already beginning to sink. It was coming. Something big.

“I didn’t have the heart to tell you the other night. I didn’t know what you’d say. We were becoming friends again and…”

“C’mon,” Negan swallowed, “Just spit it out, doll.”

She looked up at him, “I’m engaged. I’m getting married.”

“Oh,” Negan said softly. “Like when?”

“Next weekend.”

He felt like someone gutted him. Her hand slid up his wrist and he dropped his head, trying to digest the news. “Oh. That’s great. That’s fucking amazing.” He meant it to sound optimistic but it came out sounding so fucking sad, he could even hear it himself. “So am your maid of honor?”

“No.”

His smile was fading quick.

“Your bridesmaid. Heh.”

“No, babe.” it caused her so much pain to speak and to watch him try to joke.

“I’m just kidding. Am I invited?”

“No,” she dropped her head, staring at the drink she held in her hands.

“Right. Fuck. Okay,” he rubbed his eyes, “He doesn’t want me there? You’re right that’d be fucking weird having two guys you’ve fucked sitting around in the same room.”

“It wasn’t him. It was me.”

“Alright. Fuck. I get it. I’d fuck it up somehow.”

“You say things…without meaning to. And you get drunk, real drunk. Then it just gets worse. I don’t want you to do that to me or yourself.”

“That’s okay. I’m a big boy. You were always the adult anyway. Uh so. I gotta go…I have to uh…sleep early. You know work and all that shit. My boss, he’s always on my ass. Nice guy but he’s a real—god I can’t even talk crap about him but you get me, right?” He didn’t wait for her answer, much less to see the grief on her face. He walked away back towards the stage where he had his jacket hung over the stool behind his drum set. Rick noticed him leaving and got straight to his feet to go after him.

“Negan. Hold up,” Rick jogged towards him, he was making his way straight to his car but nearly ran into a Jeep that was driving by. “Stop.” Moving towards Negan’s line of vision, Rick stared at him straight in the eye.

Tears were streaming down Negan’s cheeks, Rick didn’t know what to do. He could do nothing, be like all those other guys caught up in their testosterone, not doing what friends are there to do in the first place or he could just pull him in close into an embrace. Rick went with what felt natural, even if it wasn’t his nature. Negan was surprised but he quickly warmed up to it, hugging him back, finding comfort that at least he went after him.

But god the highs and the lows, they were really killing him. They were killing the both of them. Only Rick could really get it.

“Hey are you okay. You’re not really one to not say anything,” Rick warmly laughed, talking low into the other man’s ear. Negan didn’t say anything in response but he buried his head in his neck and that was more than enough. At least Rick felt like he helped in some small way. “I was kidding you know. I couldn’t go on stage and do that. I’m heh—I’m too shy.”

He felt Negan’s low laugh vibrate against him.

“I’m sorry I put the spotlight on you. I just want you to be happy and get yourself out there. Maybe go home with a girl or two,” Negan sniffled and rubbed his nose as he and Rick moved apart.

“That’s fine. I wanna go home with you,” Rick paused realizing how suggestive it sounded, he felt himself die on the spot.

Negan just tucked his hands into his jacket pockets and nodded side to side, his cheeks rosy, eyes twinkling as he smiled his million dollar smile. “If you could hear yourself, jesus fucking christ.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey thanks again for reading! I think I took a while longer than I expected with this chapter, I kept revising it over and over again. I made my bff annoyed with all the stuff I kept adding in, she just had to keep rereading it hah. 
> 
> Storywise, things are looking a little grim but hey, it's ultimately going to lead to some kind of enlightenment and bring about some change in the wind. The boys are getting closer and closer and honestly, their friendship is so rich to me, I'm having so much fun writing it. I'm loving the comments and the kudos, they're great. I'm going through a really hard time so it's difficult for me to answer all of them like I like to but they really keep me going. x

Death was the first thing that came to mind as Negan sat in the passenger seat in Rick’s car.

A death in the family?

No, that didn’t fit it right.

Something else came to mind, he remembered his dog dying. That was his childhood dog right there, thirteen long years. He'd really been pushing it, Negan knew it was inevitable, that was the worst part of growing up. Getting older and losing some things along the way was never easy. It was inevitable, just like his dog staring straight into space, each labored breath getting slower and slower, until it stopped.

Negan choked, he tried to keep the tears from coming again. 

The heart monitor just going lub/dub lub/dub over and over. He remembered holding Lucille's hand, her head turned away from him. He knew she was still awake, she just couldn't look at him in the eyes anymore. 

“Tonight we’re staying away from alcohol,” Rick stated when they were reaching a stoplight.

“Really? What the fuck am I doing with you, then?” He playfully started trying to undo his seat belt but Rick reached out his hand in his direction.

“Jesus, stop," Of course Rick wouldn't take it as a joke, "There’s other things we can do.”

“I want doughnuts.”

“No binging either. C’mon. I’m worried about you,” Rick’s piercing eyes looked straight into Negan’s puffy red ones.

 _Worried?_ Negan swallowed and nodded.

“Fine. You’re the boss.”

Rick wasn’t one for great ideas. They were back at his house. Carl was playing video games in living room and the babysitter was about to tuck in Judith. She was blonde with the hugest blue eyes in the universe, buggy in a good way, like in a disney princess sort of way. Carl acted weird around her, so Negan swore there was some unresolved feelings going on there. She was bouncing Judith, then handed her to Rick. Judy was already reaching her arms out, clinging immediately once she was being held by him.

“You’re here early,” the babysitter smiled, looking a little concerned.

“Don’t worry, Beth,” Rick reassured her, “I’ll still pay you what I promised.” He was starting to move Judy from one arm to another when Negan got Rick’s wallet out of his back pocket and started digging through it.

“How much,” Negan asked Rick.

Words escaped the other man. The fucking gull. He ground his teeth and rolled his eyes then answered, “Fifty.”

“Fifty?” Negan repeated, pleasantly surprised. He turned to Beth, “Wow you must be a big deal, huh.”

Rick elbowed his rib, “Don’t patronize her." He smiled at her warmly, rubbing her shoulder, "You're really great. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

"Thank you."  Shit, she was giving the doe eyes to Rick, Negan smirked, obviously the girl had a crush on him. Not that Negan could blame her. He was a living breathing wet dream. A lonely divorcee with two cute kids and no woman in his life, like c'mon. She took the money and put it in her purse. “You need anything else?”

“No we’re good.”

After gathering her stuff, she planted a kiss on Judith’s head then went over to the living room, saying her good bye to Carl and then left. Carl waved, his face a light tint of pink, it probably wouldn't have been so noticeable if he weren't so fair skinned.

“Jesus you little shit,” Negan was lingering behind the sofa, Carl turned slowly, his eyes narrowing into a stone-cold glare. “Didn’t take you as a guy who likes to play the field.”

“Dad come collect your emotional baggage. He’s in the living room bugging me,” Carl screamed at the top of his lungs.

Rick reappeared from the hall, harshly shhing him, “It’s bedtime. You finish your homework?”

Carl didn’t have an answer.

“Yeah that’s what I thought,” Rick said sternly, he motioned at Negan, “Hey wanna come over here?”

“Sounds like I don’t have a choice Mr. Bossy Pants, am I right,” Negan made a silly face at Carl, the kid just smirked and shrugged.

“I’m gonna need your help here. Judy lost her elephant and she can’t sleep without it.” Negan nearly fell back from the obscene amount of pink that was her room. He had to stop himself from falling in love all over again with the mere thought of Rick wearing old clothes covered in pink paint. He was fucking one of a kind, some kind of god send.

Rick was on his hands and knees, crawling around, looking underneath furniture while Judith watched him, standing in her crib.

Fucking picturesque in a strange _he wished he could see this every day he had left in his sorry excuse of a life_ kind of way. When Negan zoned back into reality he saw the elephant's trunk peeking out from inside of the closet behind one of her dolls.

“Bingo,” he grabbed it triumphantly.

“Wow great. Okay,” Rick said from the floor. “Give it to her then.”

“Right. Okay,” Negan approached Judith, handing her the elephant which she snatched and held close to her. Negan let himself get closer, rubbing her head, dirty blonde curls getting caught in between his fingers. “Aren’t you beautiful?”

“Hey,” Rick leaned in, his chin barely brushing against his shoulder, “How about you tell her something she doesn’t already know?”

“Being calling beautiful isn’t something she’ll ever get sick of. Even I want to be called beautiful.”

Rick laughed, “Hey sweetheart. Want a story tonight?”

“No I’m okay,” Negan answered, Rick scoffed.

Judy was distracted, she was grabbing at her stuffed toy, holding it close to her.

“Shit. She couldn’t give a shit if I was here or not. Just like dad,” Negan smirked, amused with his own snark. “Guess the curls aren’t the only thing you inherited you sweet angel.”

“I’m hungry. You hungry,” Rick asked.

“Guess I always have an appetite.”

In the kitchen Rick threw together some sandwiches and put them in the panini maker. He noticed Negan looking at the strange appliance, probably ready to make a joke.

“Bad baby shower present I know. At least it’s useful.”

“That’s fine. Whatever. I was gonna ask…I don’t mean to impose…”

“The guestroom is there for a reason,” Rick smiled warmly. “It needs to be broken in.”

“Jeez,” Negan scratched at his beard, “I lied to Lucille and said I had work. On a Sunday? C’mon. I was just planning on sleeping in, watching one of those wildlife shows. See some baboons get it on or something. Get some pointers from them.”

“You could sleep in here too. I’m not planning on running you out or anything.”

“You’re okay with me staying? What has it been like…a couple months already since we met?”

“Not long. I don’t keep track of things.”

“What’s got you trusting me,” Negan’s eyes were tired but still a little bright, just for Rick.

“Well,” Rick had been trying to look for an answer for a while already so he said what the first thing that came to mind, “I always had good intuition.”

“I could come into your room, watch you sleep while holding a knife. What would you say then?”

“I’d say get in bed or get out,” Rick chuckled.

Negan beamed, grinning ear to ear, dropping his head bashfully. “That right there is one hell of an offer. I might try that tonight.”

“I will call the police.”

“You are the police.”

“Shut up.”

“Fuck the police. No really, fuck them.”

“Bad joke,” Rick chuckled.

“Not so bad, nah,” Negan took the sandwich Rick handed him and took a bite, screaming in pain almost immediately. “Oh fuck fuck fuck,” he breathed out.

“That’s hot!”

“Shit fuck balls,” Negan yelped, sticking out his tongue. He opened up the faucet and started lapping at the water like a dog.

Rick was frowning. “Did that actually help?”

“Fuck you.”

“How about some ice cream and Tylenol?”

“Tylenol? Seriously?”

“It’s got codeine.”

Negan faced Rick and loudly sighed, nodding in defeat. “Yeah. Yeah.” He said with a lisp.

He was sitting at the edge of the bed in the guest room, licking an ice cream cone. Rick walked past the open door, stopped then walked back, leaning against the doorway.

“You feeling better now?” He asked.

“Yeah a lot better. It’s numb from the ice cream at least.”

“Okay,” Rick stood there in awkward silence until he decided to join him, sitting next to him on the bed. His lips pursed into a smile, and Negan gave him an odd look.

“Each time I come here, you know, I always wind up feeling like some stupid kid. Guess what? This is some next level shit, now we’re having a sleep over and I’m eating ice cream.”

“Heh yeah, now let’s talk about all our innermost thoughts.”

“I’m game.”

“I wasn’t serious—“

“Me first or you?”

“You, then,” Rick watched Negan, ready for whatever would come out of his mouth

“You ever find yourself thinking,” Negan blinked, then stared back at him, feeling a little uncertain all of a sudden, “Like if we were kids on the playground…would we even get along?”

“Depends," Rick said thoughtfully, " What kind of kid were you?”

“Hah,” Negan dropped his head and ran his hands through his hair, “I wasn’t good. I know that.”

“No one liked me cause I took things too seriously.”

“Explains the whole officer Rick thing then.”

“I was always fiercely loyal to a fault and well, I want to see the good in others. I like to think I’d try to get to know you even if you were an asshole. We’d probably be friends then too.”

“I’d probably try to make you eat dirt. Not sure you’d be cool with that.”

“Then I’d knock your teeth out,” Rick chuckled.

Negan did too. “I like having all my teeth, thanks.”

“Lucky for us we’re grown up.”

“Yep."

“Look, Negan, if you need to talk,” Rick’s fingers uneasily gripped at the sheets next to him as he contemplated reaching his hand out to touch him, to comfort him. Those kinds of gestures were like second nature with anyone else he cared about. But here...it was different. He was nervous, so stupidly nervous but his heart was so exposed already. “We used to talk about this kind of stuff and it was easier before. I don’t get why you didn’t tell me about talking with her in the first place.”

“We uh—“ Negan tried to gather his thoughts, sitting up straight. Rick bit his lip and let himself touch him, rubbing his back in circles. It felt good, it calmed Negan. God, just being touched was so nice, he was melting already, “You’re gonna have to stop there, buddy.” He moved Rick’s hand away.

“Oh. Sorry I don’t know what I was—“Rick stammered.

That look on his face, Negan felt like lightning should fall from the sky and strike him dead. He didn’t mean to hurt his feelings.

“No it’s just,” Negan felt his face go hot trying to explain himself without sounding like a total creep, “It doesn’t take much for me to—well. You know.”

Rick was confused, “What?”

“I’m a very,” Negan was embarrassed, looking at anything else but Rick, “I’m a sensitive dude. It doesn’t take me much to you know, pitch a tent. If you get my drift.”

“Oh,” Rick’s eyes grew large, his face going beet red.

“It’s night. I’ve got a full stomach. I’m a little bit emotional. And I’m on a bed with you.”

“A tent? Really,” Rick was honest to god looking flattered. Negan wasn’t so sure how to take it, all he could do was laugh any uncertainty away.

“I really don’t want to have to apologize for showing you all I’ve got to offer.”

Rick let curiosity get the most of him, his eyes briefly skirting along the fly of Negan’s jeans, looking away as soon as he ran his tongue across his teeth. “Yeah we wouldn’t want that,” Rick nodded side to side.

Was he fucking playing with him? Negan’s eyes were just following his, misty and dark and half lidded.

“So you were saying?” Rick played coy again, shooting Negan's hopes down swiftly. 

“She was waiting at my place and we got to talking and then we kissed…we stopped though, before we uh—we…yeah. The whole time from that point  I kept thinking if I should have kept on. Maybe I’d show her physically cause I’m good you know…real good at—“

“Yeah I get the picture,” Rick cringed.

“I mean I’m great at fucking. Real good. I know how to get her off to a tee. It’s programmed in me. Tongue and fingers really. I talk big shit about my dick but—“

“I am good. No more.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah really.”

“Whatever. We were in a good place. We are in a good place. She gets me better than anyone else and she’s—“he lowered his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. “She’s getting married and she doesn’t want me there.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. It fucking hurts like a fucker. She didn’t even wait that long but _fuck_ neither did I. I get most of this frustration makes absolutely no sense. She deserves better. I _am_ shit.”

“You’re not shit,” Rick said with absolute certainty, Negan watched him with disbelief on his face, “You’re shitty but you’re not shit.”

“I don’t know what fucks me up most, that she doesn’t need me or that I lost out to moving on first.”

“It’s not a competition.”

“Right,” Negan laughed, rolling his eyes, “Do you know what Lori’s been up to?”

“No.”

“Do you want to know?”

“I don’t want to,” Rick said softly, “I don’t need to.”

“That’s what you say now.”

“It was a clean break. It hurt like hell but it was her choice. I wouldn’t want her unhappy stuck with me. We tried to make it work but when that woman makes up her mind, there’s no changing it.”

“You’re a fucking saint. I went crazy for Lucille, man. I stalked her, I gave her hell and grief when she didn’t need it. She probably thought the worst part of her life was long over but there I came in like some kind of wrecking ball. I’m selfish and I take and take and take. I’m that kind of man.”

“Watch it,” Rick pointed to the vanilla ice cream that was melting.

“Oh,” Negan licked it off his hand, then shoved what was left of it in his mouth, crunching loudly. “God. This hit the spot.” He rubbed his stomach and laid back onto the bed with a sigh.

Rick got an idea. He wasn’t into Negan’s pity party so he thought of something else. “Hold on this is pretty cool.” He got on his feet and turned off the light switch.

Negan was on his elbows, looking curiously. Rick crawled across the bed and switched on the lamp that was next to them blanketing the ceiling and walls with stars.

“Rad,” Negan’s head hit the bed again. Rick joined him, with a childlike joy in his eyes.

“Yeah. It used to be Carl’s but he outgrew it. Didn’t know where to put it and I honestly never thought anyone would use this room. So here it went.”

“You never thought we could just go outside and sit in the grass and look at the real stars?”

“No,” Rick turned on his side, “Mosquitos.”

“Fuck you’re right. Those little bastards, “Negan laughed, he hesitated for a moment, he wasn’t sure if could handle looking at Rick this close especially in this romantic of a situation, but he turned anyway. “So you were in the middle of saying I’m not a complete shit?”

“I’m not gonna further inflate your ego any more than I need to,” Rick smirked, a hazy look in his eye, “I think you got the picture.”

“Hmm.”

Rick blinked, then furrowed his brow, “Why hmm?”

“I keep getting closer and closer to you admitting you like me.”

“Alright,” Rick licked his lips, Negan’s eyes widened in anticipation, “I like you.”

There it was. Something he had been longing to hear.

“Shit,” a devilish grin spread on Negan’s mouth. “Didn’t think I’d live long enough to hear that.” Rick lost the staring contest, he was laughing softly, one of his arms above his head as he moved away, stretching and yawning.

The sat in silence for a while, both of them on their backs again staring at the fake stars moving across the white ceiling. There was something important about this moment, deep in meaning, just knowing each other more intimately than they had before. Negan found himself trying to remember how to breathe, he kept looking at Rick's chest rising and falling, reminding himself to keep in rhythm with him.

“I honestly don’t know why I didn’t tell you about Lucille,” Negan admitted. “I probably thought you’d talk me out of thinking she’d take me back. That it’d feel real. That I had to get up and move on. You’re the smart one and I’m just—I’m a real badass but in that department, I’m really fucking lacking.”

“Makes sense. And you’re right. I would tell you to move on.”

“Moving on is scary as all hell. Whaming and baming and thank you ma’aming is easy for me. But that’s like a business transaction. Now me, I’m a big ol’ softie. I want love and nothing’s clicking. And I keep thinking how many dudes did I write off just cause I was stuck on the straight and narrow, not listening to what my dick and my heart were saying. There was so much I was missing. The other day I saw Reservoir Dogs and with these new eyes I realize how fucking gay that movie is. Honest to god gay. Those two dudes, totally gay for each other. They are fucking in love but they sure as hell don’t know it. But when you got an awesome soundtrack and blood and guns and shit, I just didn’t bother noticing it was a love story. A dick sucking love story.”

Rick tried to understand where he was getting at. He just blinked and swallowed trying to make sense of it.

“This is more than knowing I like men though, I’m feeling shit suddenly. But just to give you an idea, when I let myself feel shit, I fall way too fast. Look at what I did to you. I was swimming so deep in your blue as fuck eyes that I was ready to dive right in, lock it down, tap it, put a fucking ring on it. I was so fucking game. And I barely even knew you. I don’t even know your favorite color.”

“I don’t think I have one.”

“Jesus Christ you’re boring as fuck. Why do I like you?”

“So what are you saying then,” Rick was trying to get a read on Negan’s expression.

“I’m a sucker for love. I’m always game for a toss in the hay. But love, that’s the biggest high.”

Suddenly Rick felt uneasy. He was using past tense, and pretty much confirming Rick’s biggest fear and that was Negan could never be certain of his own feelings. He licked his lips, biting back on the bitterness he was feeling wash over him.

“So how many people have you invited in your home and kissed so far?”

“Including you? Two.”

“Wow. And you’re saying I need to get some—“

“I don’t like taking people home. I’m some kind of sexual deviant but I don’t shit on my doorstep. You’re special. I don’t usually kiss all my friends. At least it was just one kiss, one really bad one.”

Wrinkling his nose, Rick took a deep breath, shaking his head side to side, “Wasn’t just once.”

“Huh?”

“You tried again later that same night.”

“Oh fuck,” Negan gasped, “Really?”

Rick nodded, then shrugged, “Yeah.” He didn’t fight back though, not that time. Curiosity ate at him, did Negan remember?

“I’m such a dog.”

“Can’t believe you forgot.”

“I was drunk. Real drunk. Not that it fucking justifies it.”

“Aren’t you gonna ask how I felt about it?”

“Lay it out then,” Negan nervously laughed. “I can't feel any shittier than I do already.”

“It wasn’t good,” Rick raised his eyebrows, recounting the moment, “It wasn’t bad either.” He raised his eyebrows with a bemused look on his face. Leaving it at that, he got up off the bed and stretched again, yawning loudly.

Negan sat up, watching him, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s getting late. You need to rest.”

“This sleepover sucks. The whole point of one is never sleeping and giggling under a blanket fort. We haven’t even started making one.”

“Sleep it off and try not to stay awake thinking about everything that happened. It’s the most you can do.”

“The painkillers are probably working. I’m feeling all fuzzy and warm inside right now. My tongue still fucking hurts though.”

“It takes a couple of hours,” Rick chuckled, “I don’t know what the hell you’re feeling right now.”

“Well fuckity fuck,” Negan rubbed his knees, “Neither do I.”

He really did try to sleep, his hands resting on his stomach as he stared at the stars this time alone. There was something wrong, his eyes dry, a heavy feeling on his chest. His body was tired but wasn’t ready to shut off. He kept thinking.

He pulled his shirt off and walked to the bathroom down the hall where Rick had given him the pills from before. A couple more couldn’t hurt, he was a tall guy, Rick probably didn’t give him a high enough dosage. Negan shook the pills into his hand and swallowed them dry. He started coughing so he turned on the faucet scooping water into his mouth with his hand.

“You’re spending the night,” Carl sighed.

Negan grabbed a towel off the rack and wiped his mouth. “Looks like it.”

“Oh okay,” the kid shrugged. Negan pat his shoulder and started walking out the door when Carl stopped him. “Hey…what you said about Beth.”

“Hmm? Oh right. Yeah what about her?”

“Do I…” Carl swallowed nervously, “You think I have a chance?”

“She’s older than you. Most times I’d say aim high but kid, what happened with Enid? Thought that was a done deal.”

“I don’t think she likes me. Not that way.”

“Have you even told her how you feel?”

Carl paused, looking down, then back up, tilting his head sideways, “No. We hang out a lot but nothing’s happened.”

“Well shit, nothing’s gonna happen if you don’t do something about it.”

“So what? Are you saying I should ask her out?”

“I don’t know. If you’re this worked up just ask but be you know,” Negan shrugged, “Be cool about it. Keep your cool don’t act like your world’s gonna fall apart just cause she shattered your expectations.” Hearing himself say this out loud hit so close to home.

Carl was nodding and Negan felt uncertain about his own advice. “Alright, then.”

“Look Carl, maybe you should go to your dad about these sorts of things. I’m probably not the best person to be asking.”

“Yeah but dad he—“

“Don’t hold it against him about the whole thing with your mom… He’s given me plenty of good advice—“

“Look at you, some asshole talking about something you don’t know shit about,” Carl spat out, taking Negan by surprise.

“My bad.”

“You’re the one who came in acting like you run this place. Dad might like you but that doesn’t mean you’re a part of the family. I’m sure you’ll fuck up and he’ll see who you really are.”

“Shit,” Negan flinched, if he had heard this any other time he could have laughed it off. But now, it hurt like daggers in his chest. “Wow. Okay. I crossed a line. Won’t do that again.”

“You’re sleeping in the guest room, the one with the ugly lumpy mattress no one wants to sleep on. You’re a guest. Don’t forget that,” Carl hissed.

Okay, Carl was exaggerating. That bed wasn’t great but it wasn’t awful either. Certainly wasn’t lumpy, so where the fuck was he coming from? He was just some territorial kitten spitting and hissing in his face, but god damnit, those insults still cut deep.

Negan walked back to the bedroom, cursing under his breath. He could feel himself feeling more and more drowsy, the bed was spinning but he was staying still. His brain traveling, thinking about things that were routine, dreaming about things that were so far away. There was a gaping hole, names that were sticking to him, Lucille, Rick, the lines blurring between the two. It was less about how their names were pronounced, it was about the same feeling he’d feel after repeating them to himself.

Kissing Rick, remembering once, not remembering the second. How shitty was that? Lori and Jessie they had it all and he got scraps. Why was the world this unfair? He started crying again, gasping in between deep breaths, tears dripping down his cheeks. He hated Rick seeing him like that, crying like a baby, he hated letting himself go there but he couldn’t help it. He wiped his face, his intense emotion turning into a big fat nothing, just a grey void. That’s when sleep carried him away, pulling him deep.

\----

Carl was met with an uncomfortable silence coming from the other end of the line.

“I can’t believe you said that,” Enid said in a tone of voice that struck Carl with guilt.

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean is you went a little overboard.”

“He can’t just be talking about Mom and Dad like he knows things.”

“Why did it come up in the first place?”

Carl swallowed nervously, “He was saying I should talk to my dad more.”

“He’s right.”

“I don’t like that he gets to come here and be all macho and put his feet on the table and change the channel to whatever he wants to see. Then he hogs up all of Dad’s time so we can’t do stuff. Like he’s always here. Then he says I shouldn’t be so hard on Dad? Dad isn’t so great okay.”

“I don’t know, he’s juggling a lot of stuff at once. And before Negan he seemed really sad didn’t he? I mean when I saw him he was practically radiating joy. He didn’t look like the picture you’d always paint me.”

“Okay,” he wasn’t so sure how to argue because it was so plain to see. She was right but it still irked him. “It’s frustrating. Back when Mom and Dad were together they were always fighting. They’d try to hide it from me but I could hear them. When I was right there Mom would sometimes say things that were underhanded and mean but Dad never said anything back. He was such a pushover. I didn’t want them to go at it right there. I just thought he could tell her to stop. He’d just give up and leave, give her nothing, like he couldn’t let himself.”

“He probably didn’t want to tell her something he’d regret.”

“Mom wanted a reaction so she’d keep on and he wouldn’t give her one.”

“And you’re thinking Negan is going to do the same?”

“I’m not saying I hate mom. I don’t get her. It’s so complicated. She was a different person with me than whoever she was with dad. It’s that Dad is weak. There I said it. He’s weak and Negan will take advantage of that. Who knows how far he can go? I don’t know him. He could steal stuff from him from under his nose and like an idiot, Dad will be like, yeah cool, go ahead buddy.”

Enid started laughing, “I don’t think your dad is stupid. And I don’t think Negan is half as bad as you think. I doubt he’s trying to take your mom’s place.”

“What,” Carl scoffed, “Whatever. Negan is some animal that barged in—“

“If it works out or not, you’re making it a bigger deal than it is. Anyway I thought we reached a conclusion that Negan is just some lonely guy who likes hanging out with your dad.”

“I don’t know.”

“I didn’t tell you cause it seemed so unimportant at the time but when he took me home he had to go get gas and he did the nice thing of asking me if I wanted anything cause he was gonna get himself a soda. I said I wanted sourpatch kids. And he was like, okay, I’ll get that, he didn’t say it that way. He always says things in really weird ways but you get the point. He came back with nothing and apologized like a million times and I was like hey it’s okay just take me home. But you know what he freaking did? He went to three different other gas stations until he just went to a dollar store and got me a big bag full of them. He didn’t have to do that. I don’t know why he did but when I got home I hid the bag under my pillow and ate them all when my parents went to sleep. I got sick after but I don’t regret it. The point is the more I think about it, the more I realize he didn’t want to disappoint. It’s like he cared what I thought. He wanted to give me a good impression, like he was really trying. It was a little sad.”

“Wow.”

“How about next time you’re a little easier on him. Those candies actually made me sick enough to pass out and phase out my parents fighting in the next room.” She chuckled and Carl couldn’t help smiling too.

“You doing alright over there? I don’t know when to shut up and ask you how you’re doing.”

“I’m okay. I’ll see you at school, yeah?’

“Yeah. I’ll see you.” Carl hung up and rested his head against the pillow staring out the window. He closed his eyes and let himself fall asleep.

\-------

It was Sunday. Unfortunately Rick worked this particular Sunday, he took a shower, got dressed then got picked up by Shane who was shamelessly holding a bag full of mcgriddles like they were the holy grail.

Everyone slept in, curled up in their own respective beds. Negan dreamt of clouds and blue skies. He travelled from one place to another, living out scenarios that he couldn’t remember until he was at an Applebee’s type restaurant. Lots of different things hanging on the walls, guitars, baseball players, paintings of pin up girls with big bright smiles. He was with a group of guys sitting at his table, he saw Simon and he saw Rick, they were the only two he could really recognize. They were smiling, talking, laughing. A real guy’s night out.

Rick excused himself, probably to piss. If there was something he’d always notice was that Rick had the smallest bladder in the universe especially when he’d drink.

As soon as he was gone there was a chick at the table, Simon sat up and leered slightly ready to get his flirt on. Negan noticed she was good looking but recognizable. He never had an accurate image of Jessie stuck in his head, Rick had shown him her picture once or twice but in the dream he registered it to be her.

“Where’s Rick. You were with him right,” she asked the table.

Negan had his head down trying to text Rick but the phone wasn’t working. It wasn’t reading his fingers and he grew frustrated with it, putting it down on the table.

“Who are you,” Negan was restraining the anger brewing at the pit of his stomach. He knew who she was but he wanted her to feel like nothing, like she wasn’t important to Rick.

“What do you mean? Who are you? Where’s Rick?”

“Ohhh,” Negan slurred, “I know you. Well I’m his boy, I’m his friend. You know, whatever they call it, a boyfriend or whatever. I don’t know.” He chuckled low to himself, swaying side to side.

“Huh? Shane?”

“Shane?” Weird of her to say that. “What? No this is Negan. You hear me? KNEE-GUNN. And I’m his knight in shining armor, okay. I rode in on my horse and snatched him up and I’ll mend his pretty little battered heart, make it all shiny and new. I’ll undo all that damage you did. You’re an awful awful person, you thought you could use him all up and just ditch him without a thank you or nothing? He’s too scared to put himself out there and let himself be vulnerable cause you’re some soul sucking succubus just suck suck sucking away. Well guess what? You suck, so stop it, stop sucking.”

And like that it all came out at once, and it was a mess, Negan felt good but sickness set in pretty fast. He knew Rick would come out of that bathroom, that she’d tell him everything he said and that it wasn’t entirely true. But hearing himself saying it, seeing that look in her face.

He didn’t even know he was this upset at her in the first place. It was a mixture of his protectiveness and his jealousy. But what the hell would come after, that’s what killed him.  His eyes were burning red because this was what made things go wrong with Lucille in the first place.

“Look I’m not even going to get into this with you. I don’t even know who you are. I’m hanging up,” she said sternly, the line went silent.

_Hanging up?_

Everything went sideways and his head fell against the comfort of a cushion.

“Heh,” he grabbed at a blanket and pulled it over his face, “Sure as hell showed her. That Jessie chick ain’t calling again, I tell you what. Good riddance to trash. Mmhmm, yeah.”

The sun was shining bright through the blinds when Negan finally really woke up. He was confused why he was on the sofa, one of his legs slung over the top, his head nearly hanging off. If he had moved a couple inches to the right he would have fallen off. He shook his head and loudly moaned.

“Oh shit,” he covered his face, he got up and walked to the kitchen to see Carl sitting on one of the stools eating his cereal. Judith was on her high chair next to him grabbing cheerios and shoving them into her mouth. “What time is it?”

“Eleven,” Carl sighed. Negan’s eyes met with his then moved away to a carefully placed note held down with some car keys. He picked up the note and read it.

_Went to work. You can use the car. Don’t wreck it asshole. –Rick_

“The car? Well shit.”

“Yeah. He’s like that,” Carl’s head was buried in a comic book, Negan smiled seeing him so invested in it. That kind of thing was sobering, Carl was still a kid and it made what he said the night before considerably less hurtful.  

“It’s one hell of a compliment.” He walked over close to Judith, patting her head then leaning over and kissing it, taking a deep breath before happily sighing. “Man oh, man. Can anyone get sick of that baby smell? It’s like a new car smell.”

“Did you just compare my little sister to a car?”

Negan was unfazed. Wasn’t such a bad comparison to him so no harm done. “So you got room there in your stomach for a pizza? It’ll be on me.”

“Mom’s supposed to pick us up today. We’re going on a road trip since its spring break. She hasn’t come yet so we’re just waiting around.”

“Oh, right. Okay,” he brushed his hair off of his face, sounding perplexed. Music started playing from down the hell startling him.

“What the hell is that,” Carl turned in the direction of the bedrooms.

 “It’s my ringtone. You know that song, The Wild One.”

“The Wild One?”

“Yeah like me,” Negan smiled and posed, Carl wasn’t really buying it with his bed head and blanket slung around his shoulders like a pancho.  “I’m a wild one! Don’t tell me you’ve never heard it.”

“Go answer the phone!”

“Yeah yeah,” Negan waved him off, jogging to the guest room.  “Hey Rick, how’s it hanging?”

“Lori was supposed to get the kids.”

“Yeah Carl told me. So that mean you were planning to book me for a babysitting gig instead of the rest and relaxation you promised me in the first place?”

“No,” Rick laughed, “I’m starting to feel more confident that Carl can take care of himself at least during the day. Anyway though, what I was saying about Lori. She called me and well—“

Negan’s eyes grew wide and his mouth went dry. “Is everything fine?”

“I can’t shake how strange she sounded. But she’s fine. Totally fine.”

“Well that’s wizard.”

“Her car broke down on the way over. Me and Shane are gonna go drive up and help her out with that, then she’ll get the kids.”

“I can stay regardless if you trust in Carl or not. Personally I trust him about as far as I can throw him.”

“He’s pretty light.”

“I think he’d put up a good fight.”

Rick chuckled, “Yeah. Okay keep an eye on them.”

He knew perfectly well Negan was trying to get an opportunity to hang out with the kids. They had some kind of bizarre bond, especially him and Carl. Despite the bickering, they just clicked.

“Guess who’s in charge, bitches?” Negan’s voice boomed so hard Carl jumped in surprise, knocking his spoon to the floor. Judith was unaffected, she just turned with an eyebrow up. “Oh shit. Sorry. That’s sexist and there’s a girl in the room…” He started rambling, Carl just glared. “I’m always trying to learn, I don’t want to be a total piece of shit.”

“Shut up and tell us what happened.”

“Well since you asked so nicely…that on the phone was your daddy.”

“Ugh what did I say about calling him daddy?”

Negan shrugged, distracted with whatever he was doing on his phone, “I’m not apologizing anymore. I’m being pretty literal about it and there’s zero sexual connotations. He is your father right? Or is there something I’m missing?”

“Whatever,” Carl got up to get himself another spoon but he felt Negan staring at him, “What?” He snapped.

“What are you doing? We’re going out,” Negan said. “Get you and your sister dressed.”

“Fine.”

“Alright,” Negan looked genuinely excited.

Carl dropped his head, smiling a little. “Hey wait where are we going,” he asked right as Negan was about to leave.

The man laughed out loud, jingling the keys in his hand, “Gotta go feed my cat, duh.”


End file.
